IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX......OR IS IT?

Yesterday I received a question from one of my favorite people (you know who you are love you for your thoughts) asking me if I had real feelings for this mystery man or if I was just horny?
MY RESPONSE:
I do like him and I have for a year but due to circumstances it has not been ok, and still is not, we talked last night and we are both very clear on that but are still having a crazy hard time, and my god girl its been almost 10 months so god damn right I'm horny too!! ERRRR haha! I so hate myself for feeling this way!

Not sure if that was 100% true though, I have been thinking about that question and the truth is I'm sick about it, I do have feelings, for him but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if it is because of the excitement behind it, and what keeps popping into my mind it WHAT can really happen out of all of this. He asked me about me ed last night and wanted to know if this was effecting it at all and of course I lied,He said because if in anyway it is you need to tell me. I love that he said that but I hate that I'm am letting it. It's the stress behind it all I think! I have had a really hard time with it and I sinking back into the body issues really bad and not wanting him to see me ever with the weight I have gained knowing that he has seen me several times. He keeps telling me how amazing I look and all I keep thinking is yeah right you have only seen me in clothes, hoping it will stay that way~
Confused to say the least!
I love how you all make me think! It really does help.

Another issue that has been going on with me is over a patient that we have here in the clinic. He is 88 years old and seriously one of the sweetest men ever, always smiling and so in love with me haha I love it, anyways his Dr. is coming in today and because he is so sick I have been told that the Dr. may be telling him that he needs to just stop his dialysis which means he will die in a week or two as soon as the toxins fill his body and his kidneys are completely gone so they can not fight them off. I just don't understand this, I believe from personal experience that if there is a will there is a way and dammit if he wants to fight fucking let him, who are you to judge Dr. F? I hate you right now!
This is where my job is so hard, I love my patients and over the last 2 years have built such amazing relationship with them, I cannot even imagine him not coming in anymore! I just do not know how to deal with death.
Speaking of death and sickness, I got an email from my step mom telling me that they have found a mass in my aunts abdomen as well as behind her breast bone, they think it may be cancer, and my grandmas cancer is also back however she wants nothing to do with treatment makes me so sad but I guess I understand. ALSO my other grandma, has fallen into severe depression and wants to die, she has emphysema and other lung issues and is on oxygen all the time, she does not want to take anything for her depression because she is not willing to deal with the temp side effects, now this just frustrates me because she is putting my mom is such a hard place, making here feel guilty all the time and wanting here there for any little thing such as (polishing the silver) now is that really a necessity? My mom is going through so much and I hate seeing her in pain, I just want to hold her and make things ok. Why can't I heal everyone? Heal wow think about what you are saying Lauren heal what a word, why can't I do that for me? I know I deserve it but I just cannot seem to believe it!
I don't know what to do with all of this shit? I don't know why I cannot talk about it to others who are actually around me.
I feel so safe here.
Exhale
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!