Am I really defending myself to myself?

I swear my life gets more and more complicated as the days go by! I'm so ready for this weekend. One of my most favorite friends is in town from Vegas for her wedding shower so I'm so FREAKING happy about that. Going shopping tonight for a gift and am completely clueless on what in the hell to get, any suggestions?
I feel like I have noting to write about when if I look inside of my head it is totally overflowing with all kinds of feelings, such as OH MY GOD do I have the worst cramps EVER! This is one part of being a I guess you would call it a normal weight I hate, I know I am at least 10 lbs above my normal weight for my height which fucking sux. I feel like I cannot even hold in my stomach anymore, it drives me nuts, right when I feel like I am in an ok place with my body my head gods into full on ed mode! I totally just b/p'd and now I cannot quit with chocolate, weird thing is I never purge on it! Don't really get that but I always am able to justify that one in my head!
I'm really unhappy with my body right now! I feel like if I don't write about it all the time then my ed is not so real, but it is, it has to be...... or else I would not feel this drug addict NEED to b/p, I tried to talk to my sweet friend C about my ed I swear people think they get it but unless they live even 5 min in our head hearing those voices and uncontrollable feelings that must be like what a cocaine addict goes through then they just really don't get it! I was thinking about my higher power (or lack there of) last night and really started to think about the rest of my life and am I going to be able or have to deal with this EVERYDAY? I cannot even imagine going another day let alone years.
I just don't understand this disease and the thought of why do I hurt myself like this? Have I ever done something that bad that I deserve to deal? I want to say no but my actions in the last week with Mr. Wrong I think would say differently! Well I guess in that sentence I basically said what I needed to get out! Not ready to much more than the admitting part yet! I did tell my mom pretty much everything the other night and on Thursday morning she looked at me and said "If -A- ever finds out and asks you about it........ you lie, never admit it" I was not to sure what to do with that bit of advice, she is usually right in what she has to say but this felt odd to me! God knows I would not want to be confronted with this issue but if I was is that the best decision to make? Weird thing is that I feel so bad about this not because of the situation but because with Mr W we laugh we have fun we talk what the hell is wrong with that? A has been my friend for about a year now so it feels weird to be so freaked about this whole thing but a friend is a friend right? I guess I'm no a very good one! I feel so overwhelmed with her sometimes, because she is dating this guy who we call her "Whatif" from high school anyways he is a TOTAL LOSER TOTTTTTAL TOTAL! I cannot stand him, and since I met her I have had to hear about him non stop, which is fine but it is really really hard when it comes to a man and being asked for advice time and time again and nothing changes, I mean this winner moved out from Texas broke as a joke, no job, a car that looks like it is going to fall into 8000 pieces at any minute, lives with some guy he met barely pays his rent, treats her like shit, tells her he is going to kill himself if she leaves, borrows money for her, makes her pay for everything god I could seriously go on and on and the worst part of it all is she still wants him, she has a 8 year old daugther that I told her she needs to think about I asked her if she could ever leave her daughter with whatif and she said never, so why in the fuck would you keep playing this damn makeup breakup game? I don't know it does get old. I found myself today telling her that I thought it was a good thing for her to see him on Sat night because I know she is going to do it anyways and it has gotten me nowhere to say other wise but feeling like an ignored asshole.
I don't know maybe it just makes me feel better to think that if she is happy that is all that matters and then maybe she would get that I am not the worst most horrible lying untrustworthy friend ever! Which we all know I am~
Wait a minute, no I'm not fuck I have always been there for my friends unconditionally I have been the person who they all say I have no one to talk to about this, what would I do with out you and I take it as I'm the one they need the special one, I trust listen treasure protect love run at any give minute give with no expectations. doesn't that mean something! I love my friends I just did not think before this issue, no wait that is me not taking responsibility for this I thought... I ignored..... I fell for someone that is what I did, and in the process I know that my actions will be very hurtful to her, so what do I do punish myself forever no I'm not gonna do that, I can fess up to the fact that I may have not made the right choice, but shit it was my choice and I'm gonna be 30 years old, I choose what actions I make good or bad. I really do love A I just get tired of being the only person who listens and takes on the shit, especially when it is about the biggest loser ever, he is seriously minus the drugs just as bad if not worse than my sons father. Ugh whatever there is nothing I can do but forgive me and know that I'm a grown woman and I live for me and my son not anyone else, I AM NOT responsible for other peoples actions. That is me taking responsibility for me! Ok and maybe being a bit defensive to those voices in my big fat head!!! I hate the battle