I need sleepy time!

I think its time yet again for another post!
I have had so much going on lately, fam emergency took me away on Thursday night (late) and not to return to Sat night! The unfortunate finally happened, I ran into M!!! I was with little c at the Classic Car Show in my town, and walked out of the bathroom to only turn around and see him in my face..... We both smiled and said hi,,,,, weird thing was his daughter was with him and totally started talking to me which felt nice, and f him because I am a good person.
AND SHE LIKES ME!
Saw my TMJ doc today went well but getting up at 5 for a 7am appt just does not work well with me, I was falling asleep the whole time! Meditation is not good to mix with being exhausted....
Been doing something the last few days and not sure why but it is really effing me up! I found a pro ana and mia site and I CANNOT stop reading it! I know I should but it is addicting and so effing triggering.
I need mad help!
My weight is back up 2 lbs, and its driving me nuts because I barely ever eat and when I do I purge. The only thing I seem to keep down it luna bars (lemon zest) yummy!
But no more than 1 a day due to the amazingly high calories in them 180!!!!! I don't even like to look at that number is makes me insane!

The upside to everything is I'm in good spirit's, well as much as I can be!!
I feel really ugly right now though which is hard. I hate those ugly days!
Well I feel like Im gonna fall asleep while typing this so to wake up a bit I'm gonna stop for now!!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I'm out!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY FF!!! LOVE YOU MY AMAZING FRIEND!

Hi guys..........
I'm starving! Why do I do this to myself?

And don't be afraid of saying something stupid. Not speaking up is stupid.

I love this quote!

I love you my bubba!!!!!!

Hee Hee spike!!! Time for a trim I think!!!

7 days but feels like forever

It has only been 7 days since my last post but it really feels like forever.
Things have been really busy and really frustrating, this whole situation with moving has been a nightmare but hopefully things will turn around. I found out when they ran my credit report that there was an eviction on my credit from when Sam and I lived together and we were NEVER evicted and even if we would have been I was not on the lease so there should be nothing on my report at all. I have been fighting with that apartment for the last week and finally today I called the owners of the apartment and told them I would be pressing charges if this was not corrected, and thankfully the one I was dealing with (ended up being the VP) sent me a letter stating all the truth, so hopefully this will mean that I am going to get the apartment. They said that was the reason why I was denied. I will not give up dammit I will get this effing apartment! (Update: The lawyer that filed these charges, has disappeared no where to be found) filed a dispute with the credit agency today but was told it will talk 30-45 day for a reply!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate SAM!!!! He is like a effing weed that keeps coming up to haunt me!
Hopefully his lame ass is in jail........... How did "I" ever end up with someone like that?? A question I will ask myself till the day I die!
Work ugh don't even want to go there!!!
Therapy has been going really well, I really like her and the specialist I am seeing for my TMJ is great too. I have started my search of an Ed T but that may take some time considering I have just gotten comfortable with the ones I'm with!
Picky picky picky!!!!
Had a great weekend. Spent Sat at this place called "Pump It Up" which is this huge 6000sq ft building with jumpy houses in it..... It was the twins birthday so we were there jumping around like a bunch of 4 year olds with all the kids.... I had so much fun but cut my arm open on the first slide down....hahaha go figure the only one that got hurt was the 30 year old....
Then went to my dads to hang with my grandma and my sister but ended up mainly with my sis and helping her get ready for a "big" date!!! She is such a pimp I swear!!! Love you A!!!!
Sunday I took a drive up to Calistoga with my little man, we walked the town, had lunch and then went for a little hike,, it was fun and much needed mom and bubba time!
Eating has been not so hot, but hey when is it ever, my body is like a 4000lb horse. I feel the fat coming out of every spot on it and want to cover up unless I'm alone then I want to wear a huge tee shirt and not have anything touching me!!
3 episodes today thus far, god why do I do this to myself????
My headaches and TMJ are not so hot but I know they will continue until I get mia under control. Wish I could wake a wish and let this all go away!
"All we need is love"
"All we need is love"
"All we need is love love love"
"Love is all we need"
God if only these lines were true!!!!!!!
I have plans to go out with my mom (funnest date ever) on Thursday night
it is the first Farmers Market and there is a Jazz band playing that we always go see, then off to this great little wine bar in town. People in our town look forward to opening of Farmers Market every year, (shows how little our town is) big night to go out. I'm hoping M and his little one will not be out and about but fear that they just might be. The good thing is that lately I have had someone else to occupy my mind since him and honestly even if it is only in my mind and never a reality I'm ok with that because I smile so big when I think of them! Thank you sweets!!! Huge kisses your way!

There is an issue that I have spoke of several times since I have been blogging and have always said I was not ready to go into but I think that maybe just maybe it is time.
Ok maybe not yet,,,,haha chicken shita!!!
Soon I promise, fear of judgement like always, but I don't know why because you have never judged me, only been loving and supportive!!! I love you and thank you for that.
Time to work, off early thank god.

Panic attack in a large way

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I SO just needed to yell and this is my only way to right now!
I'm so freaking frustrated with my JOBBIE-JOB!
Panic attack over lame issues but I tell you what, if my BOS$ does not get her shita together I'm gonna freak out!

April 15th......M's B-day and thought it was appropriate

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Falling Behind, but trying so hard to stay ahead!!!!

OMG guys this last week has been so crazy, apps after appts after appts, will it ever end????
My head has been in complete overload since my RN meeting and I have had no room to even process, all I know it I need a 3 hours appt with the school to get all of my shit in order and get in the right lane....
My Jaw is so fucking out of whack, I literally could barely open my mouth this weekend without popping it back into place and trust me the B/P shit does not help at all! I told my Dr, that the V med that I was taking was giving me headaches but I think it was the birth control I was on so I have stopped that and they have gotten a bit better but I think all in all the V works better then the harsh pain meds!!
5 slip-ups today.... that's all I have to say about that one!!!
I really do not know what to do about this pain, I just don't want to wake up sometimes and deal another day with it let alone the fact that I have to purge to be able to live with myself another day!!!! I cannot wait till my appt on Wed am, I have done some research on some TMJ stuff and have been trying to work with it but it is a pain in the ass and who really has time for that shit?
So need less to say my head is in some serious pain and yet again I had to go to urgent care this weekend for my bi weekly dose of med to even be able to deal let alone open my mouth to eat. A few years ago the topic of surgery came up and I was totally against it but holy shit the way things have been going I almost feel like it is the right thing to do....
B/P front......not good at all and started on the milk of mag which I know is horrible but fuck how do you get out of the shity cycle... mia has been in my life for so long that I have no want at times to lose her. I truly love her and I love that I can turn to her at any time with no judgement except for my own, which I can live with.
I want really to sit down and eat a meal and not feel anxiety and fat thoughts and just simply enjoy without the panic about hitting the restroom while no one else has to!!! Then I get to deal with the issue of everyone knowing my issue which fucking sux!!!!
Ok I'm so done for now work is so effing crazy today and my patience level is shit!
I just had a nurse from Kaiser ask me what my deal was today...now we all know that is never a good sign!!!
Bye loves!!!!!!
To you my sweet sweet girl have an amazing night!!! xoxoxox

Sorry took so long

I have been sitting here for what seems like forever at work wondering how I was going to ever blog about last weeks appt, so please excuse the bla bla bla.

SO I met with my T and I cannot tell you how high the anxiety was, my legs were going 1000 mph and there was no end in site. I was there 20 minutes early so basically I walked outside for a few smoke breaks only because I thought I would lose my mind sitting in that freezing office.

Dr. J came out of her office and asked me to come in.
I sat there and started to talk with her when all of the sudden my P came into the room. Dr...L it was the first time I have ever met her even though she has been giving me my meds for over a year now.
I liked her right off the bat, very sweet and listened to me and my concerns. She only stayed for a bit and then I was left with my T to continue talking. I brought out my posting that I had printed out for her to read. She did something that I was not expecting, she asked me if she wanted me to have her read them out loud or if I wanted to....I was a bit stunned because I though she would just read them in some free time that she may have but I decided that since I was there I might as well read them, shit they are my writings right?
Well BIG mistake, I cried through the whole thing. It is crazy how reading so VERY personal stuff can make you realize how fucked up someone really is.
We talked about what I had written and a few other things, and she asked me a question that I have been asked so many times,,,,,,"since my legs were moving so fast" she asked "If my legs could say how they were feeling what would they say?"
I said anxiety and anger............... We did not go into it a whole lot, guess she just wanted me to be aware of it, which I was.
We talked about my TMJ alot and I actually did not get to see the TMJ Dr. that day, so that was a bit disappointing. However I was given an appt with him which I actually had this am.
I think the main reasons why I have not wanted to post about it was for 2 things, 1 being that, I felt VERY exposed in giving such personal info out and putting myself out there which we all know I hate doing and 2 because she made a comment to me that has been really hard for me to process. She was talking about going back to basics and she stated that if she was to look at me today she was not looking at me as if I had an ED. I automatically took that as great I am a big fat fuck and then I thought about it more and realized that she meant it as she wanted to deal with the TMJ because she felt that no one had ever focused on that and my chronic pain and that having such a huge thing to do with my ed. I have been going over that comment over and over and have not decided what I want to do with it, but I guess that is ok as long as I an not ignoring it.
It all in all was a really good appt and even though I feel/felt that way I still bp'd when I left. Stress reliever I guess.
I went in and met with her and the TMJ specialist this am and basically did an overview of my TMJ and how it ties in so much with my mia.
I had done alot of the stuff that he went over before but I told him that I have nothing to lose so I was willing to give him a shot. I will see him again next week as well as my T. Actually looking forward to it.
I was not surprised at all but she did ask me to weigh again when I saw her last week which I AGAIN refused to do. I will not do it, I don't care if they kick me out of the program just won't do it! I will not allow anyone know my weight. I weigh so rarely that I don't even want to know it.
Ok that's basically it on the 2 T appts.
As far as other stuff, well had an odd weekend, since I have been feeling so exposed lately I have also been very withdrawn, not into talking very much which is ok I guess because I don't have to if I don't want to.
Easting has been shit. Other than some string cheese and a few pieces of chocolate here and there I do not keep anything down that I eat. No meals ever, unless I am completely out of the option to purge.
I don't feel like my weight has been effected I guess the morning chocolate milk and coffee with lots of cream is keeping it pretty much stable!
C and I went to a movie which was pretty fun, and challenging considering he likes to run up and down the isles and push on others seats.
Also my roomie was gone all weekend and just got back last night so it was really quiet and CLEAN around my house....Thank god because I really don't know how much longer I can deal with the mess that her and her kids make, don't get me wrong I let C make a mess and play with his toys but I am also a freak so I clean them up as soon as he is done.. SO OCD I GUESS!!!!!
I'm sick of making dinner for her kids and doing their dishes and having to help with baths and freaking cleaning up after them all the time... Shit I'm not their mom. My roomie is a slob and puts shit off to the last minute. I have left her dirty dishes in the sink for almost 2 days and I wanted to lose my mind I HAD to wash them and it made me so angry. I just cannot deal with filth.............
I HATE IT!
I'm must sound like such a fun person to live with......That is just why I have to live alone. Little C is a bit of a slob but that is only 1 little one and we work together cleaning up and with meals. I love taking care and cooking for him but I don't love doing it for someone else's kids.....
I hate thinking of telling her about moving but the truth is she makes over a thousand dollars more than I do a month and gets child support..... I get nothing extra from anyone, and I deal, not great but I deal, and she complains all the time about how broke she is. How is that possible.... God I hope I feel better after getting this out because I want to pull out my hair right now.
I have not seen her kids since last Tuesday night and I only have to deal with them tonight,,,,, thank god... Little C is going to my parents tomorrow afternoon until Friday because I have an RN class to go to for the program and then my interview Thursday am with my dad and it is to hard to get him up and out to daycare so early.
I will be staying at my moms so I do not have to hear them scream at the top of their lungs all night. These little men have the highest pitch voices EVER!!! Little c tries to copy them when they do it and it makes me cringe.......... Thank go he takes after his mommy and has a total and completely raspy voice.
Ok well this is long enough for now and you are all probably bored to tears,,,sorry for that!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I want to go today, I want to go today, I want to go today, I want to go today!!!!!
I have to keep telling myself that or else I will cancel!!! My jaw is killing me my headaches are freaking stupid, and I'm a huge woman today!! Ick I hate calling myself a woman. Anyone ever feel that way? That word is a really hard one for me, makes me so uncomfortable. Anxiety well I don't even want to go there because my chest really hurts today. I better not be asked to weigh today because I won't. Stubborn, call me what you will but, that is ~MY FINAL ANSWER~!

With the bad can come the good.....Right?

So I got a phone call this am from and apartment building that I have been trying to get into off and on for over a year now and the woman lets just call her an angel said to me that there will be a 2 bedroom open in 3 to 4 weeks.....
So that is the good and with the good comes the bad.....
First I have to interview with them which I am not to worried about however my credit due to Little C's dad and of course me is not the best however my rental history is great.
Second this means moving again which may/is a good thing but it brings on a ton of stress for me which right now not sure I can physically handle. Guess I will bring that up in T tomorrow.
Third and WORST OF ALL this means having to talk with my roomie, which brings on its own full load of stress because I would be leaving her with a VERY high rent to pay alone which I don't know if she can handle and not so sure what it will do to our friendship and that scares me but I also know that little C's and my happiness is what HAS to come first.
SO much to think about but I think I will put it behind me right now until I do my interview and they give me an answer.
Eating.........well that is an issue in itself. Yesterday was not good at all and the worst part is that I took some ambein from my mom and also smoke& which put me into a binge stage and I ate more and kept it down due to the situation I was in, 1/4 box of crackers, 4 pieces of string cheese and 2 cookies, ick it makes me totally sick to even see that, that amount of food was and is in my body right now!!!
NOT OK!
I hate my weight right now.
I hate putting on clothes that are anything other than my scrubs or a tee shirt and undies which trust me is such an ugly sight right now! I feel like there is nothing but huge rolls staring at me when I get in the shower I am constantly checking at the gap between my thighs (sorry if TMI but its my blog and I have to vent right???)
to make sure it is big enough and that my legs are not touching. I hate the constant battle that is always going on in my head.
I just got off the phone with my step mom and thank god she was there for me to vent. I told her that yesterday when I was driving home from work I could not get the thought of just simply going to sleep and not waking up out of me and what it felt like for me. I know it hurt her because I told her that little C is the only reason why I would not do anything like that but that the feeling is still there and sometimes it is so fucking strong. I know this is not what others want to hear and may be triggering to some and for that I'm sorry but I have no way out right now. I just need these triggers that are in my life right now to go away. I seriously cannot even think about my ed sometimes, sometimes I just have to "go with it" and let it be there because once I think about it, I physically feel like I am going to fall into a million pieces at just the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.
Can that really be the reason why I was put on this earth???? To suffer the fate of a life long eating disorder?
I know I'm here to be the best mom I can for little C but god how do I do that if I cannot take care of my own health. The worst part is, is that I am so over sensitive to him and his eating and health, poor little man has a neurotic lady for his momma.
I am so blessed to have him, I do know that but I feel like he deserves so much more than me.
Ugh I wish my T appt was today my jaw is killing me and I don't know what to do to stop the pain.........It is crazy how stress can effect our bodies the way it does.

I need some input if you don't mind on me printing out a few of my blogs for my therapist to see, she wants to get a good idea of where I'm at and I'm scared she will freak if she really knows the "real truth"??
Help me decide please!!!

Smiles, this is what I fake but wish I was honestly feeling!!!!

Spent Saturday at this amazing party, and here are some pictures of where it was.
I talked to dg before going and really thought it was something I could handle but to no surprise to me I spent most of the day in the bathroom.

I'm in the middle of a complete and total meltdown and don't know where or what to do. There are tears in my eyes all the time. Anyone ever just simply want to be loved???? Not fucking strings attached! I know I am from my family which helps a bit but I also know that they know that I am starting to crash. I need to get a fucking grip before I no longer want to deal......Confession time. I took way to many ambein the other night, not with the intention to die because I know in my heart that I would be fine but I just did not want to deal. Thank god the next am I flushed them down the toilet.
I want affection I want to be held and mostly I want someone to love me-for me- not for this person who is sick with mia and ana and who cannot seem to even "be" anymore. I want to not hold onto this secret that I have that is tearing me up inside but I know that if it ever came to light to the people I care about the most I would be completely cut off!
What is a woman to do? I have asked myself that question so many times and still NO answer.
I am terrified about my T appt on Thursday because I know that they will want me on the scale and I just can't to it. I WON'T do it!
God I tend to think I am so good at faking it but the reality is I fucking suck!
I hate living where I do. I actually went home from work right after I got here yesterday and picked up C early to spend some time with him and as soon as my roomie,(bless her heart she has been amazing) got home with the little ones, I lost it! It is not her it is not the kids it is the fact that I cannot handle 3 of them when all there is, is yelling and fighting all night long. I'm in bed at freaking 8pm every night just to get some time with little C and then him and I argue over the whole no juice at bed time that my parents are on my ass about all the time (potty training is a bitch).
My weight is up and I'm quiting the Prozac, there is just no way I will gain the weight back!! No fucking way!
Then to top off today I get to work only to hear that a patient of ours who was on vacation in Florida passed away last night. WTF?? I cannot handle or deal with anymore of this!