Have an amazing weekend!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Im such a clutz
First off I just want to send out such happy wishes for an amazing holiday weekend to you all!!!!!!
Today is kind of an odd day for me, getting mixed reactions about everything from my roommate, I feel like I am constantly doing things for her not to get mad at me! WTF? I know this is probably all in my head, but I actually think she was pissed off at me for not being home last night? I went to listen to some live music and drink some yummy wine with my mom which ended up being so freaking fun, god I love her and how NON judgemental she is being with me unlike my BEST friend! After that I went to see Mr. W you know what I hate that I call him that so dammit its M! Anyways I have been really worn out with feeling like I have to defend myself, I f'ng hate that. I'm gonna be 30 in a damn month and there is no reason for me to defend myself to anyone, even saying that feels defensive.
The hardest part about M is that we talk so much and I cannot remember the last time I laughed and as much as I do with him. He told me last night how beautiful I was and that every time he sees me he thinks I'm more and more beautiful! Bull shit or not it feels so good to hear those words from a man that you do NOT want to run away from.
Ok so kind of a funny story, totally embarrassing story,,, I was telling my mom about last night........ Ok so when I first went and hung out with M I was sitting on his bed post...... anyways TMI I know but so I went to lay back on the bed and completely did a back flip off landing on my face......It was so sososososososos funny, he was like UHHHHHHHHH r u ok??? I started totally crying I was laughing so hard. I seriously laid there for like 20 minutes I felt like the biggest ass ever. Its one thing to have something like that happen when you are with someone for along time but my god the first night we were together are you kidding me? SO when I was telling my mom this story last night I realized that this whole thing was worth it to make my mom laugh the way she did last night!
Being able to laugh right now is so huge for me because I know it totally brightens my day, maybe not the extent that I would like for it to but definitely to a point that FEELS GOOD!
I'm starting to not feel so confused about M and I think that is making me feel bad, I don't know why I have not been able to just give myself a break, god can we honestly really help who we care about? I'm so starting to think no! I mean shit I know I had no say when it came to all of you, I fell in love right away!!!
Well I'm seriously about to fall asleep so I think I will quit for a bit, sending love and happiness to all of you! MUAH! Happy Friday
Today is kind of an odd day for me, getting mixed reactions about everything from my roommate, I feel like I am constantly doing things for her not to get mad at me! WTF? I know this is probably all in my head, but I actually think she was pissed off at me for not being home last night? I went to listen to some live music and drink some yummy wine with my mom which ended up being so freaking fun, god I love her and how NON judgemental she is being with me unlike my BEST friend! After that I went to see Mr. W you know what I hate that I call him that so dammit its M! Anyways I have been really worn out with feeling like I have to defend myself, I f'ng hate that. I'm gonna be 30 in a damn month and there is no reason for me to defend myself to anyone, even saying that feels defensive.
The hardest part about M is that we talk so much and I cannot remember the last time I laughed and as much as I do with him. He told me last night how beautiful I was and that every time he sees me he thinks I'm more and more beautiful! Bull shit or not it feels so good to hear those words from a man that you do NOT want to run away from.
Ok so kind of a funny story, totally embarrassing story,,, I was telling my mom about last night........ Ok so when I first went and hung out with M I was sitting on his bed post...... anyways TMI I know but so I went to lay back on the bed and completely did a back flip off landing on my face......It was so sososososososos funny, he was like UHHHHHHHHH r u ok??? I started totally crying I was laughing so hard. I seriously laid there for like 20 minutes I felt like the biggest ass ever. Its one thing to have something like that happen when you are with someone for along time but my god the first night we were together are you kidding me? SO when I was telling my mom this story last night I realized that this whole thing was worth it to make my mom laugh the way she did last night!
Being able to laugh right now is so huge for me because I know it totally brightens my day, maybe not the extent that I would like for it to but definitely to a point that FEELS GOOD!
I'm starting to not feel so confused about M and I think that is making me feel bad, I don't know why I have not been able to just give myself a break, god can we honestly really help who we care about? I'm so starting to think no! I mean shit I know I had no say when it came to all of you, I fell in love right away!!!
Well I'm seriously about to fall asleep so I think I will quit for a bit, sending love and happiness to all of you! MUAH! Happy Friday
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Busted!!
Ok so last night was a bit difficult, was talking or texting Mr. Wrong and I could tell he was really upset about somethings that was going on with A and so I told him that if he wanted to chat I was gonna be up. He was playing poker with some friends so it did not happen, anyways I started feeling a bit irritated with him because the last thing I want to do is spend my energy on THEIR issues, and we keep going back to them although he says I bring them up. I don't think I do but whatever maybe I do. SO short story even shorter, I was starving and decided that since the only freaking thing in the house to eat that was not something that took 2 hours to cook was that devil "Baskin Robbins" Ice-cream, so needless to say I ate the whole freaking thing and purged, that was when I got busted, I went tO the bathroom and when I was in there I knew that my roommate was near by so the second flush would just be way to obvious so when I came out she went in to go to the bathroom, when she came out I was sitting on my porch having a smoke and she came out and said "ok Heidi just to let you know our toilet is not the best at flushing" I knew what she was saying and did not want to hear it so I told her I had to poo, haha anyways she said that was not poo and I lied again, the subject was then dropped but I felt terrible about it! I don't want to lie to her, she knows me to well for that. God what am I turning into?
I have been fighting those urges all day, well all morning!
Kinda glad it has not happened, gonna try to make it through a needed day of health!
Ok any Big Brother fans out there? I know you are SWEET Robert!
How freaking excited and pathetic I was about Jessica and Eric finally hooking up last night however is it really necessary for him to use the mouth wash every time? haha, that would make me feel so weird!
Well not to much to write about other than this ramble, little c slept in his room again last night, this time til 5am yippie however it took 1 1/2 hours of me sitting on the floor in his room to get him to sleep! Well worth it though!
I have been fighting those urges all day, well all morning!
Kinda glad it has not happened, gonna try to make it through a needed day of health!
Ok any Big Brother fans out there? I know you are SWEET Robert!
How freaking excited and pathetic I was about Jessica and Eric finally hooking up last night however is it really necessary for him to use the mouth wash every time? haha, that would make me feel so weird!
Well not to much to write about other than this ramble, little c slept in his room again last night, this time til 5am yippie however it took 1 1/2 hours of me sitting on the floor in his room to get him to sleep! Well worth it though!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Die urges DIE
Tuesday and I still feel like I do not have a whole lots to say....How is that possible! I have been catching up with all of your blogs this am and that has been keeping my mind pretty busy, which is good!
My weekend went really good, I think.....can't really remember, went to the most beautiful bridal shower, I swear it was no joke, and best part was NO GAMES! They drive me crazy I always feel so out of place and put on the spot.
Ha it's always about me right?
Had a few glasses of the bubbly, yum and then hung with my mom a bit, talked about Mr. Wrong alot considering I was at the shower with my gf A. She sticks to the whole lie thing, and when I told her that made me feel weird she said something that I had not even thought about. I told her that I did not want to lie if anything came out and she said why so you can feel better about it? (she said it nicely though) and I thought about it for a min and what happened was I realized that that was the deal I did not want to have to deal, and I gave no thought to how it would effect her. Im thinking that she would be pissed at me huge but at the same time she is with someone else, betrail I guess, ugh makes my tummy hurt.
I have had a few really rough days with the bulimia. It is beginning to feel way to comfortable, I need to get into therapy NOW! No question about that, I have been replaying all of the food I eat throughout the day and how much I purge and trying to live with the reality of it all and Im just not doing a very good job.
I'm tired today
My head is sore
Im lonely
Im missing my little man big time today
Im confused and not sure that will change!
My poor little man got his 3 middle fingers slammed in the door last night by one of the twins that I now live with. I know my gf felt terrible and like always I went out of my way to make sure all was ok with her while trying to be there for my man! I actually felt sick and so helpless, I started to cry, seeing him in that kind of pain was just not ok for me, It brought me back to when he cut his lip open at 1 1/2 and they sewed it back up without numbing it and strapping him to the bed, I could not even stay in the room, I was having a panic attack and they said that I was making it worse on him, what kind of a mom leave her child because they cannot handle it! This pussy mom! (sorry for that I hate that word) anyways I have to get past that one finally! C slept in his bed in his room for the first time, almost all night it was awesome!! I was so proud of him and me, god knows it was hard, I get to do it again tonight hahaha! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hating that I have these damn urges, will they ever die?
My weekend went really good, I think.....can't really remember, went to the most beautiful bridal shower, I swear it was no joke, and best part was NO GAMES! They drive me crazy I always feel so out of place and put on the spot.
Ha it's always about me right?
Had a few glasses of the bubbly, yum and then hung with my mom a bit, talked about Mr. Wrong alot considering I was at the shower with my gf A. She sticks to the whole lie thing, and when I told her that made me feel weird she said something that I had not even thought about. I told her that I did not want to lie if anything came out and she said why so you can feel better about it? (she said it nicely though) and I thought about it for a min and what happened was I realized that that was the deal I did not want to have to deal, and I gave no thought to how it would effect her. Im thinking that she would be pissed at me huge but at the same time she is with someone else, betrail I guess, ugh makes my tummy hurt.
I have had a few really rough days with the bulimia. It is beginning to feel way to comfortable, I need to get into therapy NOW! No question about that, I have been replaying all of the food I eat throughout the day and how much I purge and trying to live with the reality of it all and Im just not doing a very good job.
I'm tired today
My head is sore
Im lonely
Im missing my little man big time today
Im confused and not sure that will change!
My poor little man got his 3 middle fingers slammed in the door last night by one of the twins that I now live with. I know my gf felt terrible and like always I went out of my way to make sure all was ok with her while trying to be there for my man! I actually felt sick and so helpless, I started to cry, seeing him in that kind of pain was just not ok for me, It brought me back to when he cut his lip open at 1 1/2 and they sewed it back up without numbing it and strapping him to the bed, I could not even stay in the room, I was having a panic attack and they said that I was making it worse on him, what kind of a mom leave her child because they cannot handle it! This pussy mom! (sorry for that I hate that word) anyways I have to get past that one finally! C slept in his bed in his room for the first time, almost all night it was awesome!! I was so proud of him and me, god knows it was hard, I get to do it again tonight hahaha! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hating that I have these damn urges, will they ever die?
Friday, August 24, 2007
Am I really defending myself to myself?
I swear my life gets more and more complicated as the days go by! I'm so ready for this weekend. One of my most favorite friends is in town from Vegas for her wedding shower so I'm so FREAKING happy about that. Going shopping tonight for a gift and am completely clueless on what in the hell to get, any suggestions?
I feel like I have noting to write about when if I look inside of my head it is totally overflowing with all kinds of feelings, such as OH MY GOD do I have the worst cramps EVER! This is one part of being a I guess you would call it a normal weight I hate, I know I am at least 10 lbs above my normal weight for my height which fucking sux. I feel like I cannot even hold in my stomach anymore, it drives me nuts, right when I feel like I am in an ok place with my body my head gods into full on ed mode! I totally just b/p'd and now I cannot quit with chocolate, weird thing is I never purge on it! Don't really get that but I always am able to justify that one in my head!
I'm really unhappy with my body right now! I feel like if I don't write about it all the time then my ed is not so real, but it is, it has to be...... or else I would not feel this drug addict NEED to b/p, I tried to talk to my sweet friend C about my ed I swear people think they get it but unless they live even 5 min in our head hearing those voices and uncontrollable feelings that must be like what a cocaine addict goes through then they just really don't get it! I was thinking about my higher power (or lack there of) last night and really started to think about the rest of my life and am I going to be able or have to deal with this EVERYDAY? I cannot even imagine going another day let alone years.
I just don't understand this disease and the thought of why do I hurt myself like this? Have I ever done something that bad that I deserve to deal? I want to say no but my actions in the last week with Mr. Wrong I think would say differently! Well I guess in that sentence I basically said what I needed to get out! Not ready to much more than the admitting part yet! I did tell my mom pretty much everything the other night and on Thursday morning she looked at me and said "If -A- ever finds out and asks you about it........ you lie, never admit it" I was not to sure what to do with that bit of advice, she is usually right in what she has to say but this felt odd to me! God knows I would not want to be confronted with this issue but if I was is that the best decision to make? Weird thing is that I feel so bad about this not because of the situation but because with Mr W we laugh we have fun we talk what the hell is wrong with that? A has been my friend for about a year now so it feels weird to be so freaked about this whole thing but a friend is a friend right? I guess I'm no a very good one! I feel so overwhelmed with her sometimes, because she is dating this guy who we call her "Whatif" from high school anyways he is a TOTAL LOSER TOTTTTTAL TOTAL! I cannot stand him, and since I met her I have had to hear about him non stop, which is fine but it is really really hard when it comes to a man and being asked for advice time and time again and nothing changes, I mean this winner moved out from Texas broke as a joke, no job, a car that looks like it is going to fall into 8000 pieces at any minute, lives with some guy he met barely pays his rent, treats her like shit, tells her he is going to kill himself if she leaves, borrows money for her, makes her pay for everything god I could seriously go on and on and the worst part of it all is she still wants him, she has a 8 year old daugther that I told her she needs to think about I asked her if she could ever leave her daughter with whatif and she said never, so why in the fuck would you keep playing this damn makeup breakup game? I don't know it does get old. I found myself today telling her that I thought it was a good thing for her to see him on Sat night because I know she is going to do it anyways and it has gotten me nowhere to say other wise but feeling like an ignored asshole.
I don't know maybe it just makes me feel better to think that if she is happy that is all that matters and then maybe she would get that I am not the worst most horrible lying untrustworthy friend ever! Which we all know I am~
Wait a minute, no I'm not fuck I have always been there for my friends unconditionally I have been the person who they all say I have no one to talk to about this, what would I do with out you and I take it as I'm the one they need the special one, I trust listen treasure protect love run at any give minute give with no expectations. doesn't that mean something! I love my friends I just did not think before this issue, no wait that is me not taking responsibility for this I thought... I ignored..... I fell for someone that is what I did, and in the process I know that my actions will be very hurtful to her, so what do I do punish myself forever no I'm not gonna do that, I can fess up to the fact that I may have not made the right choice, but shit it was my choice and I'm gonna be 30 years old, I choose what actions I make good or bad. I really do love A I just get tired of being the only person who listens and takes on the shit, especially when it is about the biggest loser ever, he is seriously minus the drugs just as bad if not worse than my sons father. Ugh whatever there is nothing I can do but forgive me and know that I'm a grown woman and I live for me and my son not anyone else, I AM NOT responsible for other peoples actions. That is me taking responsibility for me! Ok and maybe being a bit defensive to those voices in my big fat head!!! I hate the battle
I feel like I have noting to write about when if I look inside of my head it is totally overflowing with all kinds of feelings, such as OH MY GOD do I have the worst cramps EVER! This is one part of being a I guess you would call it a normal weight I hate, I know I am at least 10 lbs above my normal weight for my height which fucking sux. I feel like I cannot even hold in my stomach anymore, it drives me nuts, right when I feel like I am in an ok place with my body my head gods into full on ed mode! I totally just b/p'd and now I cannot quit with chocolate, weird thing is I never purge on it! Don't really get that but I always am able to justify that one in my head!
I'm really unhappy with my body right now! I feel like if I don't write about it all the time then my ed is not so real, but it is, it has to be...... or else I would not feel this drug addict NEED to b/p, I tried to talk to my sweet friend C about my ed I swear people think they get it but unless they live even 5 min in our head hearing those voices and uncontrollable feelings that must be like what a cocaine addict goes through then they just really don't get it! I was thinking about my higher power (or lack there of) last night and really started to think about the rest of my life and am I going to be able or have to deal with this EVERYDAY? I cannot even imagine going another day let alone years.
I just don't understand this disease and the thought of why do I hurt myself like this? Have I ever done something that bad that I deserve to deal? I want to say no but my actions in the last week with Mr. Wrong I think would say differently! Well I guess in that sentence I basically said what I needed to get out! Not ready to much more than the admitting part yet! I did tell my mom pretty much everything the other night and on Thursday morning she looked at me and said "If -A- ever finds out and asks you about it........ you lie, never admit it" I was not to sure what to do with that bit of advice, she is usually right in what she has to say but this felt odd to me! God knows I would not want to be confronted with this issue but if I was is that the best decision to make? Weird thing is that I feel so bad about this not because of the situation but because with Mr W we laugh we have fun we talk what the hell is wrong with that? A has been my friend for about a year now so it feels weird to be so freaked about this whole thing but a friend is a friend right? I guess I'm no a very good one! I feel so overwhelmed with her sometimes, because she is dating this guy who we call her "Whatif" from high school anyways he is a TOTAL LOSER TOTTTTTAL TOTAL! I cannot stand him, and since I met her I have had to hear about him non stop, which is fine but it is really really hard when it comes to a man and being asked for advice time and time again and nothing changes, I mean this winner moved out from Texas broke as a joke, no job, a car that looks like it is going to fall into 8000 pieces at any minute, lives with some guy he met barely pays his rent, treats her like shit, tells her he is going to kill himself if she leaves, borrows money for her, makes her pay for everything god I could seriously go on and on and the worst part of it all is she still wants him, she has a 8 year old daugther that I told her she needs to think about I asked her if she could ever leave her daughter with whatif and she said never, so why in the fuck would you keep playing this damn makeup breakup game? I don't know it does get old. I found myself today telling her that I thought it was a good thing for her to see him on Sat night because I know she is going to do it anyways and it has gotten me nowhere to say other wise but feeling like an ignored asshole.
I don't know maybe it just makes me feel better to think that if she is happy that is all that matters and then maybe she would get that I am not the worst most horrible lying untrustworthy friend ever! Which we all know I am~
Wait a minute, no I'm not fuck I have always been there for my friends unconditionally I have been the person who they all say I have no one to talk to about this, what would I do with out you and I take it as I'm the one they need the special one, I trust listen treasure protect love run at any give minute give with no expectations. doesn't that mean something! I love my friends I just did not think before this issue, no wait that is me not taking responsibility for this I thought... I ignored..... I fell for someone that is what I did, and in the process I know that my actions will be very hurtful to her, so what do I do punish myself forever no I'm not gonna do that, I can fess up to the fact that I may have not made the right choice, but shit it was my choice and I'm gonna be 30 years old, I choose what actions I make good or bad. I really do love A I just get tired of being the only person who listens and takes on the shit, especially when it is about the biggest loser ever, he is seriously minus the drugs just as bad if not worse than my sons father. Ugh whatever there is nothing I can do but forgive me and know that I'm a grown woman and I live for me and my son not anyone else, I AM NOT responsible for other peoples actions. That is me taking responsibility for me! Ok and maybe being a bit defensive to those voices in my big fat head!!! I hate the battle
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Texas take care of Sweet C!
Need to get my freaking feelings out and I CAN'T!
I don't know where to begin!
Basically LONELY!
Sad
and pissed that I get myself into situations I have NO control over.
Last nights dinner date with C was AMAZING! Sweetest man I cannot even begin to explain.
Why is it so in my head that I need to have a man in my life? Seriously I could not find a better man than C if I tried. When I got there it was a feeling I cannot explain, it definitely put perspective into my STUFF with Mr. Wrong that for f'ing sure.
C and I talked all night, about the past the future and the fact that the next time we see each other I would be the unavailable one. In going to see him I thought NOT FOR ONE SECOND that there would be feelings involved or that he had other intentions. They were all very sweet and innocent but they were there. He is in a marriage where she threatens divorce all the time and since they have a 5 y/o he feels like this is something that he has to do for his son. Not once did he say anything negative about his wife which I was happy about!
He has not changed at all in 11 years, I was hoping I had but he said no, which felt a bit like poo because that means my weight must look like it did then which SUCKS!
HE is beautiful. Definitely inside and out!
Amazing father and someone I wanted to melt into and I knew that was not something I could do because of being in our situation. I asked him if his wife knew that we were hanging out and he said no but that he wanted to tell her.
I cannot keep doing this to myself. What I need to do is have no life what-so-ever other than little C.
This really is my best option not that I don't want to do it because god knows I love my little man more than anything however I want to be loved so badly. I want to not feel that hurt from C's dad and all the other shity men I have let into my life.
I feel like such a crazy man freak, and I hate it, people always say when your not looking that is when it will happen but f that I don't buy that for a second.
C is on plane back to Texas as we speak, (saddened)!
He said that he may be back out next months again, what do I do with that, god knows it would be a mistake if we met up again, because I know he would only be going to this conference to see me.
All the great ones are taken I swear!
Whatever!
SO my last post of not wanting to blog really is something I am struggling with today, feeling a bit alone even in this world, not due to anyone but due to the fact that I am uncomfortable in my one writing and not able to express due to feeling ashamed about everything I do even if it is just taking a sip of something. Sounds stupid I know but maybe that is just where my head is at. Someone stated to me in an email that they would love to see me chill a bit......at first I did not know how to to take that message but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I would like as well, I just don't fucking know how to! Whenever I feel any sense of relief that is when I start to fall the hardest because there is no constant drama to keep my mind from focusing on this damn ed! I fear being sick and I live my day to day life being that way, how and what kind of sense does that make? None to me.
I'm tired of complaining, actually I'm so sick of it simply put SICK OF IT!!!!
What IS wrong with me, there are so many people out there with REAL issues REAL reasons to be where that are and my are fucking pathetic. I want to be happy with me but I want it to be under my own conditions. I do not want to run people away from reading my stuff, but shit why should that even be an issue dammit this is my place to come and vent right? If people choose not to read that that is ok who am I to make a decision or be butt hurt about it! The reason why I write is not only for me and to vent but to also let others know they are not alone and that is what I have found here, so why am I questioning this so much! Lazy.....Maybe.
As for now this is where I'm at!
I don't know where to begin!
Basically LONELY!
Sad
and pissed that I get myself into situations I have NO control over.
Last nights dinner date with C was AMAZING! Sweetest man I cannot even begin to explain.
Why is it so in my head that I need to have a man in my life? Seriously I could not find a better man than C if I tried. When I got there it was a feeling I cannot explain, it definitely put perspective into my STUFF with Mr. Wrong that for f'ing sure.
C and I talked all night, about the past the future and the fact that the next time we see each other I would be the unavailable one. In going to see him I thought NOT FOR ONE SECOND that there would be feelings involved or that he had other intentions. They were all very sweet and innocent but they were there. He is in a marriage where she threatens divorce all the time and since they have a 5 y/o he feels like this is something that he has to do for his son. Not once did he say anything negative about his wife which I was happy about!
He has not changed at all in 11 years, I was hoping I had but he said no, which felt a bit like poo because that means my weight must look like it did then which SUCKS!
HE is beautiful. Definitely inside and out!
Amazing father and someone I wanted to melt into and I knew that was not something I could do because of being in our situation. I asked him if his wife knew that we were hanging out and he said no but that he wanted to tell her.
I cannot keep doing this to myself. What I need to do is have no life what-so-ever other than little C.
This really is my best option not that I don't want to do it because god knows I love my little man more than anything however I want to be loved so badly. I want to not feel that hurt from C's dad and all the other shity men I have let into my life.
I feel like such a crazy man freak, and I hate it, people always say when your not looking that is when it will happen but f that I don't buy that for a second.
C is on plane back to Texas as we speak, (saddened)!
He said that he may be back out next months again, what do I do with that, god knows it would be a mistake if we met up again, because I know he would only be going to this conference to see me.
All the great ones are taken I swear!
Whatever!
SO my last post of not wanting to blog really is something I am struggling with today, feeling a bit alone even in this world, not due to anyone but due to the fact that I am uncomfortable in my one writing and not able to express due to feeling ashamed about everything I do even if it is just taking a sip of something. Sounds stupid I know but maybe that is just where my head is at. Someone stated to me in an email that they would love to see me chill a bit......at first I did not know how to to take that message but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I would like as well, I just don't fucking know how to! Whenever I feel any sense of relief that is when I start to fall the hardest because there is no constant drama to keep my mind from focusing on this damn ed! I fear being sick and I live my day to day life being that way, how and what kind of sense does that make? None to me.
I'm tired of complaining, actually I'm so sick of it simply put SICK OF IT!!!!
What IS wrong with me, there are so many people out there with REAL issues REAL reasons to be where that are and my are fucking pathetic. I want to be happy with me but I want it to be under my own conditions. I do not want to run people away from reading my stuff, but shit why should that even be an issue dammit this is my place to come and vent right? If people choose not to read that that is ok who am I to make a decision or be butt hurt about it! The reason why I write is not only for me and to vent but to also let others know they are not alone and that is what I have found here, so why am I questioning this so much! Lazy.....Maybe.
As for now this is where I'm at!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Harry the H.....Funny how this is all I could come up with!
Mistakes................
Or are they?
SO a freaking crazy weekend to say the least. My little heart is sad and confused and feels empty.
Long long long story short I saw Mr. Wrong on Friday, not ready to talk about what happened, but maybe I will talk soon, I promise. Lets just say still trying to process what has gone on with him and what it has turned into.
All I know for sure is that my heart is sad and confused, I HATE even dealing with men.
I swear I ask for the drama because in my life I feel like without it I am forced to deal with my own personal shit, which I cannot seem to do right now, however I have a sick feeling that I will have to very soon.
Going out shopping on Friday and then to a wedding shower with A who is his soon to be ex. I saw her for a few min yesterday and was feeling not really guilt but jealously. I know this is so spastic but that is all I can get out.
Well on a high note, I'm going to go see a friend of mine, actually someone I dated 11 years ago tonight in SF, he is living in Texas and is married and has a little one, out here till Friday for work. We are TOTALLY just buds, and I am really excited to just be with a male where there is no issues with. A normal male friend.
Ok here is one thing I am pissed off about though, this morning I woke up with a little tingle on my lip ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR what the fuck, can you say COLD SORE!
What is that about, it has been 8 years since I have had one, and now lucky me lucky lucky me I have this huge scary monster yelling out at people on my face. God it hurts. I have been putting alcohol pads on it all morning and trying to dry it out but don't think its working, So this will be me tonight "Hi there C :big hug: remember me? Oh ya and this is my friend Harry the Herp!)
GOD are you serious.
So this post is feeling very superficial but I guess it is because I am really not being very honest with not only myself but also with all of you.
I moved this weekend, and it all went really good, a lot of work and everything is falling apart in the house but truly I am so happy to be living with my Silly S!
Our place is a work in progress and will get better and better with time, but it is cute as shit I have to admit!
Well considering I did most of the work ha!
My weekend surprisingly went really good with the b/p thing, however after Sunday due
to stuff with Mr. Wrong I spent alot of the day crying and feeling depressed, I hate feeling..... I just fucking hate it, it is so weak.
Since then things have been NOT SO GOOD AT ALL!
I hate that I do not know how to deal with out purging, is makes me wonder if I wasted another 3 months of both little C's life and mine, trying to get help, and for what? TO be right here alone, scared and fighting a losing battle.
Mr. Wrong and I had a pretty intense conversation about god and higher powers, he kept telling me how he hopes I am able to find mine and that he wants so badly for me to see my beauty from the inside out as well as outside in!
I was so uncomfortable with our conversation he commented on the fact that I could not even look at him let alone sit still which could not have been more true, and I sort of felt like he was going somewhere he had no idea of or business talking about. Part of me was so jealous that he had that connection that I crave. I told him about an experience I had during a guided imagery that we did in treatment where I saw my higher power, I wanted to break down but thought it was just not the right time, never will or would I give myself to someone like that! He encouraged me to hold onto that and do more work with it, but god the energy it takes to do it just seems like more that I can handle, why would my higher power give a shit about me!
Or are they?
SO a freaking crazy weekend to say the least. My little heart is sad and confused and feels empty.
Long long long story short I saw Mr. Wrong on Friday, not ready to talk about what happened, but maybe I will talk soon, I promise. Lets just say still trying to process what has gone on with him and what it has turned into.
All I know for sure is that my heart is sad and confused, I HATE even dealing with men.
I swear I ask for the drama because in my life I feel like without it I am forced to deal with my own personal shit, which I cannot seem to do right now, however I have a sick feeling that I will have to very soon.
Going out shopping on Friday and then to a wedding shower with A who is his soon to be ex. I saw her for a few min yesterday and was feeling not really guilt but jealously. I know this is so spastic but that is all I can get out.
Well on a high note, I'm going to go see a friend of mine, actually someone I dated 11 years ago tonight in SF, he is living in Texas and is married and has a little one, out here till Friday for work. We are TOTALLY just buds, and I am really excited to just be with a male where there is no issues with. A normal male friend.
Ok here is one thing I am pissed off about though, this morning I woke up with a little tingle on my lip ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR what the fuck, can you say COLD SORE!
What is that about, it has been 8 years since I have had one, and now lucky me lucky lucky me I have this huge scary monster yelling out at people on my face. God it hurts. I have been putting alcohol pads on it all morning and trying to dry it out but don't think its working, So this will be me tonight "Hi there C :big hug: remember me? Oh ya and this is my friend Harry the Herp!)
GOD are you serious.
So this post is feeling very superficial but I guess it is because I am really not being very honest with not only myself but also with all of you.
I moved this weekend, and it all went really good, a lot of work and everything is falling apart in the house but truly I am so happy to be living with my Silly S!
Our place is a work in progress and will get better and better with time, but it is cute as shit I have to admit!
Well considering I did most of the work ha!
My weekend surprisingly went really good with the b/p thing, however after Sunday due
to stuff with Mr. Wrong I spent alot of the day crying and feeling depressed, I hate feeling..... I just fucking hate it, it is so weak.
Since then things have been NOT SO GOOD AT ALL!
I hate that I do not know how to deal with out purging, is makes me wonder if I wasted another 3 months of both little C's life and mine, trying to get help, and for what? TO be right here alone, scared and fighting a losing battle.
Mr. Wrong and I had a pretty intense conversation about god and higher powers, he kept telling me how he hopes I am able to find mine and that he wants so badly for me to see my beauty from the inside out as well as outside in!
I was so uncomfortable with our conversation he commented on the fact that I could not even look at him let alone sit still which could not have been more true, and I sort of felt like he was going somewhere he had no idea of or business talking about. Part of me was so jealous that he had that connection that I crave. I told him about an experience I had during a guided imagery that we did in treatment where I saw my higher power, I wanted to break down but thought it was just not the right time, never will or would I give myself to someone like that! He encouraged me to hold onto that and do more work with it, but god the energy it takes to do it just seems like more that I can handle, why would my higher power give a shit about me!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Hi New World
This is my new nephew I thought going into this weekend we could all use a picture of some BRIGHT NEW LIFE!!!! Welcome my sweet little man! I love you
What would it be like to have no worries?
I cannot and do not even have an answer to this question. I have been have been doing a lot of thinking about the subject and have been realizing how much I miss my life as a very young child, pre divorce of course. My family was exactly what you would call a "normal family" well if you add in the Jehovah's Witness stuff!
I miss feeling safe and protected by something other than my ed.
How did I get here?
Is it my fault?
Is there someone who is to blame?
When did it actually begin?
Was it all those force feeding?
Was it the feeling of neglect at 7 years old from both my parents maybe neglect is the wrong word, maybe its left behind?
Was it being told my mom and I were going to die and be taken to concentration camps because of our beliefs?
JW shit!
Was it feeling like I had to protect every ones feeling, and forget about mine at 7 years old?
God just typing this makes me cry?
I wish I could be able to do it all over again, I think maybe little c is me being able to do it all over again. I want so much more for him then what I went through.
For the first time in months I tried to call his dad this am, not sure why but I wanted to go off and tell him what a fucking looser he is and how the only good thing he has ever done what to fuck me the night my amazing little man came to be, I don't know what I wanted to say but I know it was not going to be nice!
Looking at this picture of him makes me feel like just maybe I'm doing something right for the first time. Could this be true or am I secretly ruining his life with my selfish fucked up mind?
So many of you have posted about what you have experienced with your own families as I have and I see so well how our actions effect our children and I cannot let this ed do that to us!
Clearing the air!
Ok so I don't have a ton of time to post right now, busy morning but first off HAPPY FRIDAY all my sweet friends!
Happy Birthday to you Sweet DG!!
I wanted to take a min to answer the couple of messages I got from my last post! The blogger whom I'm speaking of has never posted a comment, so please know that it was none of you! I completely regretted posting it when I read faith and ptc comments, my god ladies, NEVER!!!!!!! I love you all!
I will post later but just had to clear the air!
Happy Birthday to you Sweet DG!!
I wanted to take a min to answer the couple of messages I got from my last post! The blogger whom I'm speaking of has never posted a comment, so please know that it was none of you! I completely regretted posting it when I read faith and ptc comments, my god ladies, NEVER!!!!!!! I love you all!
I will post later but just had to clear the air!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Sushi Boy, Mr. D, Blogger, ALL
Ok frida........He called hahahahahahahahahaha Holla!
Yep Sushi boy called.
Had a great conversation and he told me that since I had brought a guy into the bar that he was working at before he thought that I had a boyfriend or else he would have given me his number. (WTF Hawaii Really)?
Ugh, so even with that phone call I still was having a hard time with Mr. S. Maybe I am just freaking horny (oh my god dirty bitch)haha.
I think I'm just really lonely!
Today's feelings~
Tired
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Guilty
F'ing fat as all get out!
Scared
Lonely
Guilty
Guilty
Guilty
Happy
Excited
God I'm all over the place.
I went to the VA yesterday to book an appt with the therapist that I saw a few years ago and waiting on a call from her. As soon as I left something hit me (Binge,Purge) thoughts,,,,Heavy ones.
I pulled into a parking lot of a place I used to go all the time and sat there picturing what I would order and how much and where I would purge. I got completely freaked out and left. I think it was just the thought of therapy that threw me off.
I have b/p alot here and there but never was I as pulled to engage the way I was at that moment! After I left I called my momma and told her what happened and all of the sudden when I was talking to her I had the deepest feeling of sadness and I broke down to her, I swear this damn ed is the love of my life, as well and the one thing that wants me dead more than anything! Fuck skinny it wants me dead. I don't want to die, not just for little c but for me, I have to believe there is more to life than this.
I think mostly I'm just feeling this huge sense of loss every time I cannot/do not engage in behaviors.
So my patient will call him Mr. D came in yesterday and it was so freaking sad, Dr. F told him that they would try 2 weeks of hemo dialysis in the in center and if he did not start feeling better then he wanted him to consider Hospices which we all know what that means, "die with no pain"!
He is such a little fighter, his will to live blows me away completely! He came in wearing his best dress shirt and slacks with his nice little dress shoes. I could tell just by looking at him how shity he felt, and when I asked he confirmed with no delay. I got his weight and he was 6 kg over his dry weight which means he is basically carrying around 12 lbs of fluid that is not coming off during dialysis. He could barely walk down the hall his daughter and I had to help him make it to his chair! I was so pissed off at my Dr. all day and he could tell, he would go out of his way to make comments to me (sweet ones) but I was just not hearing it. I want you to live Mr. D!!!!!!!!!!
Or Dr. so has that damn little mans syndrome SOOOOOO BADLY
Well he is only 5 foot nothing and so I guess he has to compensate where he can! ha
That experience may have also been a contributing factor.
And please do not tell me that I did a good job in not purging because as soon as I got home I did. I f'ing suck. So much for feeling like I beat the demon.
Will I ever~
Ok and just because I need to get this out this one needs caps~ I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH A FELLOW BLOGGER, I'M SURE YOU ARE NOT READING THIS..... BUT NEED TO SAY LADIES I LOVE YOU ALL, ANYWAYS NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I FELT SO BLOWN OFF AND USED FOR MY FEELINGS. MY CARE FOR THIS PERSON WAS AGAIN I SAY "WAS" SO REAL, THEY JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE WITH ANY KIND OF DECENCY, PULL YOU IN PUSH YOU AWAY OVER AND OVER, MAKE ME FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND THEN ACT LIKE AN ASS HOLE WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT BE A FRIEND! I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR BECAUSE GOD KNOWS YOU NEED TO.
ok enough energy wasted there!
I feel guilty for writing that but it has been weighing on me for weeks and now today i feel like i can let it go for good!
that was so hard for me to do and no one plese feel the need to comment on it, i just had to let go!
Yep Sushi boy called.
Had a great conversation and he told me that since I had brought a guy into the bar that he was working at before he thought that I had a boyfriend or else he would have given me his number. (WTF Hawaii Really)?
Ugh, so even with that phone call I still was having a hard time with Mr. S. Maybe I am just freaking horny (oh my god dirty bitch)haha.
I think I'm just really lonely!
Today's feelings~
Tired
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Guilty
F'ing fat as all get out!
Scared
Lonely
Guilty
Guilty
Guilty
Happy
Excited
God I'm all over the place.
I went to the VA yesterday to book an appt with the therapist that I saw a few years ago and waiting on a call from her. As soon as I left something hit me (Binge,Purge) thoughts,,,,Heavy ones.
I pulled into a parking lot of a place I used to go all the time and sat there picturing what I would order and how much and where I would purge. I got completely freaked out and left. I think it was just the thought of therapy that threw me off.
I have b/p alot here and there but never was I as pulled to engage the way I was at that moment! After I left I called my momma and told her what happened and all of the sudden when I was talking to her I had the deepest feeling of sadness and I broke down to her, I swear this damn ed is the love of my life, as well and the one thing that wants me dead more than anything! Fuck skinny it wants me dead. I don't want to die, not just for little c but for me, I have to believe there is more to life than this.
I think mostly I'm just feeling this huge sense of loss every time I cannot/do not engage in behaviors.
So my patient will call him Mr. D came in yesterday and it was so freaking sad, Dr. F told him that they would try 2 weeks of hemo dialysis in the in center and if he did not start feeling better then he wanted him to consider Hospices which we all know what that means, "die with no pain"!
He is such a little fighter, his will to live blows me away completely! He came in wearing his best dress shirt and slacks with his nice little dress shoes. I could tell just by looking at him how shity he felt, and when I asked he confirmed with no delay. I got his weight and he was 6 kg over his dry weight which means he is basically carrying around 12 lbs of fluid that is not coming off during dialysis. He could barely walk down the hall his daughter and I had to help him make it to his chair! I was so pissed off at my Dr. all day and he could tell, he would go out of his way to make comments to me (sweet ones) but I was just not hearing it. I want you to live Mr. D!!!!!!!!!!
Or Dr. so has that damn little mans syndrome SOOOOOO BADLY
Well he is only 5 foot nothing and so I guess he has to compensate where he can! ha
That experience may have also been a contributing factor.
And please do not tell me that I did a good job in not purging because as soon as I got home I did. I f'ing suck. So much for feeling like I beat the demon.
Will I ever~
Ok and just because I need to get this out this one needs caps~ I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH A FELLOW BLOGGER, I'M SURE YOU ARE NOT READING THIS..... BUT NEED TO SAY LADIES I LOVE YOU ALL, ANYWAYS NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I FELT SO BLOWN OFF AND USED FOR MY FEELINGS. MY CARE FOR THIS PERSON WAS AGAIN I SAY "WAS" SO REAL, THEY JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE WITH ANY KIND OF DECENCY, PULL YOU IN PUSH YOU AWAY OVER AND OVER, MAKE ME FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND THEN ACT LIKE AN ASS HOLE WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT BE A FRIEND! I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR BECAUSE GOD KNOWS YOU NEED TO.
ok enough energy wasted there!
I feel guilty for writing that but it has been weighing on me for weeks and now today i feel like i can let it go for good!
that was so hard for me to do and no one plese feel the need to comment on it, i just had to let go!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX......OR IS IT?
Yesterday I received a question from one of my favorite people (you know who you are love you for your thoughts) asking me if I had real feelings for this mystery man or if I was just horny?
MY RESPONSE:
I do like him and I have for a year but due to circumstances it has not been ok, and still is not, we talked last night and we are both very clear on that but are still having a crazy hard time, and my god girl its been almost 10 months so god damn right I'm horny too!! ERRRR haha! I so hate myself for feeling this way!
Not sure if that was 100% true though, I have been thinking about that question and the truth is I'm sick about it, I do have feelings, for him but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if it is because of the excitement behind it, and what keeps popping into my mind it WHAT can really happen out of all of this. He asked me about me ed last night and wanted to know if this was effecting it at all and of course I lied,He said because if in anyway it is you need to tell me. I love that he said that but I hate that I'm am letting it. It's the stress behind it all I think! I have had a really hard time with it and I sinking back into the body issues really bad and not wanting him to see me ever with the weight I have gained knowing that he has seen me several times. He keeps telling me how amazing I look and all I keep thinking is yeah right you have only seen me in clothes, hoping it will stay that way~
Confused to say the least!
I love how you all make me think! It really does help.
Another issue that has been going on with me is over a patient that we have here in the clinic. He is 88 years old and seriously one of the sweetest men ever, always smiling and so in love with me haha I love it, anyways his Dr. is coming in today and because he is so sick I have been told that the Dr. may be telling him that he needs to just stop his dialysis which means he will die in a week or two as soon as the toxins fill his body and his kidneys are completely gone so they can not fight them off. I just don't understand this, I believe from personal experience that if there is a will there is a way and dammit if he wants to fight fucking let him, who are you to judge Dr. F? I hate you right now!
This is where my job is so hard, I love my patients and over the last 2 years have built such amazing relationship with them, I cannot even imagine him not coming in anymore! I just do not know how to deal with death.
Speaking of death and sickness, I got an email from my step mom telling me that they have found a mass in my aunts abdomen as well as behind her breast bone, they think it may be cancer, and my grandmas cancer is also back however she wants nothing to do with treatment makes me so sad but I guess I understand. ALSO my other grandma, has fallen into severe depression and wants to die, she has emphysema and other lung issues and is on oxygen all the time, she does not want to take anything for her depression because she is not willing to deal with the temp side effects, now this just frustrates me because she is putting my mom is such a hard place, making here feel guilty all the time and wanting here there for any little thing such as (polishing the silver) now is that really a necessity? My mom is going through so much and I hate seeing her in pain, I just want to hold her and make things ok. Why can't I heal everyone? Heal wow think about what you are saying Lauren heal what a word, why can't I do that for me? I know I deserve it but I just cannot seem to believe it!
I don't know what to do with all of this shit? I don't know why I cannot talk about it to others who are actually around me.
I feel so safe here.
Exhale
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
MY RESPONSE:
I do like him and I have for a year but due to circumstances it has not been ok, and still is not, we talked last night and we are both very clear on that but are still having a crazy hard time, and my god girl its been almost 10 months so god damn right I'm horny too!! ERRRR haha! I so hate myself for feeling this way!
Not sure if that was 100% true though, I have been thinking about that question and the truth is I'm sick about it, I do have feelings, for him but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if it is because of the excitement behind it, and what keeps popping into my mind it WHAT can really happen out of all of this. He asked me about me ed last night and wanted to know if this was effecting it at all and of course I lied,He said because if in anyway it is you need to tell me. I love that he said that but I hate that I'm am letting it. It's the stress behind it all I think! I have had a really hard time with it and I sinking back into the body issues really bad and not wanting him to see me ever with the weight I have gained knowing that he has seen me several times. He keeps telling me how amazing I look and all I keep thinking is yeah right you have only seen me in clothes, hoping it will stay that way~
Confused to say the least!
I love how you all make me think! It really does help.
Another issue that has been going on with me is over a patient that we have here in the clinic. He is 88 years old and seriously one of the sweetest men ever, always smiling and so in love with me haha I love it, anyways his Dr. is coming in today and because he is so sick I have been told that the Dr. may be telling him that he needs to just stop his dialysis which means he will die in a week or two as soon as the toxins fill his body and his kidneys are completely gone so they can not fight them off. I just don't understand this, I believe from personal experience that if there is a will there is a way and dammit if he wants to fight fucking let him, who are you to judge Dr. F? I hate you right now!
This is where my job is so hard, I love my patients and over the last 2 years have built such amazing relationship with them, I cannot even imagine him not coming in anymore! I just do not know how to deal with death.
Speaking of death and sickness, I got an email from my step mom telling me that they have found a mass in my aunts abdomen as well as behind her breast bone, they think it may be cancer, and my grandmas cancer is also back however she wants nothing to do with treatment makes me so sad but I guess I understand. ALSO my other grandma, has fallen into severe depression and wants to die, she has emphysema and other lung issues and is on oxygen all the time, she does not want to take anything for her depression because she is not willing to deal with the temp side effects, now this just frustrates me because she is putting my mom is such a hard place, making here feel guilty all the time and wanting here there for any little thing such as (polishing the silver) now is that really a necessity? My mom is going through so much and I hate seeing her in pain, I just want to hold her and make things ok. Why can't I heal everyone? Heal wow think about what you are saying Lauren heal what a word, why can't I do that for me? I know I deserve it but I just cannot seem to believe it!
I don't know what to do with all of this shit? I don't know why I cannot talk about it to others who are actually around me.
I feel so safe here.
Exhale
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
This is for you!
Ok so the only way that I am able to respond to all of your posts to me is to do it out in the open where you ALL can see! I have to say first off, I was so terrified to open my e-mail this morning, and I cannot even begin to describe how sick I was last night worrying about what you all were going to think of me.
Please know all of the love that I felt, and all the tears that have already fallen!
LuLu, Sarah, ae, Faith, Carrie, dg, I have NEVER in my life came in contact with anyone who is as special as all of you, NEVER! I have been feeling so much hate for myself and I have had no idea what to do with it other than b/p and it is tearing me up inside, I see myself looking in the mirror and loving the pain I am inflicting upon myself, and I know that is a bad sign! I LOVE you women all too much (actually I do not think that is possible) however I NEED you to know that no one has ever listened to me and tried to understand my feelings and weaknesses and horrible acts upon others and myself the way you all do! I need to make it VERY clear when I say that NEVER ONCE have I felt judgement from you, it is my own fears, and now I know that 100% I am able to come here to this place I treasure and feel no worries only the knowledge of knowing that I am cared about for me and only me. This place and YOU have given me something that I have never received by anyone (except my mom and chance) and that is unconditional love.
I feel like I cannot take that deep breath that I know I need to because if I do I will completely break down, I need to cry I need to breathe and I need to feel all of your love that you have shown me. I cannot imagine my life with out this blog world and you, this is my secret world that I treasure being a part of.
Thank you for making me feel like I am not a horrible person even though my actions show otherwise!
lulu and Sarah, thank you for telling me to remember to breathe, I think that was were I lost it, so easy for me to say but so f'ing hard to do! I treasure you soooooooooo much!!!! I love you my sisters!
dg, I would give anything in this world to not feel this pain of our ed anymore, not only for me but all of us, your words of wisdom always leave me thinking, not many people have a way to make things stick and you do! Love you
Faith, thank you for being my new amazing gift! I'm so grateful for you and your friendship!!
Love you
ae, I have always treasured you words and support!!! ALWAYS I love you!
Auntie Carrie, you sweet wonderful woman, honesty is not one of my best assets so thank you so much for acknowledging that, I think I really do need to continue with the healthy purging and not the negative, Little C and I send you so many hugs right back!
I want to breathe, I want to breathe, thank you for making me feel as if I am worth breathing!!!
I truly love all of you!
Please know all of the love that I felt, and all the tears that have already fallen!
LuLu, Sarah, ae, Faith, Carrie, dg, I have NEVER in my life came in contact with anyone who is as special as all of you, NEVER! I have been feeling so much hate for myself and I have had no idea what to do with it other than b/p and it is tearing me up inside, I see myself looking in the mirror and loving the pain I am inflicting upon myself, and I know that is a bad sign! I LOVE you women all too much (actually I do not think that is possible) however I NEED you to know that no one has ever listened to me and tried to understand my feelings and weaknesses and horrible acts upon others and myself the way you all do! I need to make it VERY clear when I say that NEVER ONCE have I felt judgement from you, it is my own fears, and now I know that 100% I am able to come here to this place I treasure and feel no worries only the knowledge of knowing that I am cared about for me and only me. This place and YOU have given me something that I have never received by anyone (except my mom and chance) and that is unconditional love.
I feel like I cannot take that deep breath that I know I need to because if I do I will completely break down, I need to cry I need to breathe and I need to feel all of your love that you have shown me. I cannot imagine my life with out this blog world and you, this is my secret world that I treasure being a part of.
Thank you for making me feel like I am not a horrible person even though my actions show otherwise!
lulu and Sarah, thank you for telling me to remember to breathe, I think that was were I lost it, so easy for me to say but so f'ing hard to do! I treasure you soooooooooo much!!!! I love you my sisters!
dg, I would give anything in this world to not feel this pain of our ed anymore, not only for me but all of us, your words of wisdom always leave me thinking, not many people have a way to make things stick and you do! Love you
Faith, thank you for being my new amazing gift! I'm so grateful for you and your friendship!!
Love you
ae, I have always treasured you words and support!!! ALWAYS I love you!
Auntie Carrie, you sweet wonderful woman, honesty is not one of my best assets so thank you so much for acknowledging that, I think I really do need to continue with the healthy purging and not the negative, Little C and I send you so many hugs right back!
I want to breathe, I want to breathe, thank you for making me feel as if I am worth breathing!!!
I truly love all of you!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Read with CAUTION! And know you may HATE me after you do!
I hate this post already, I'm sickened by it and by myself! I had the best weekend with my momma for her birthday, so many laughs, wine, beer, peddlers fair, hugs, and quality time, did quite well with my b/ping had a hard time but overcame for the most part. and then it happened, ok have to back about a month or so, I was out with my gf and her ex husband showed up, we had tons to drink not that that is ever an excuse but alcohol and hormones are a terrible combo......Anyways lets just call him S, well we were talking alot which we always do when we see each other and somehow not to sure how but somehow it came up that we had both had a crush I guess you could say for quite a long time, (God I hate myself) so the night went on and we talked about it a bit more and he made a comment about how he would so love to rip my dress off right there, I had no comment to that but in my SICK head I was thinking OMG PLEASE DO!! (I hate myself) SO nothing happened in fact I have not seen him since and yesterday I got a text from him and he wanted to call me and talk he said it was no biggie and just wanted to see how things were, so stupid me called him, (BIG MISTAKE HUGE) We started talking and things were said (I hate me) Nothing to bad but stuff that a REAL friend would and should not even think about. Now he keeps sending me messages about wanting to see me and I'm having the hardest time ever saying no. (i hate me)!!!! WTF is wrong with me, never have I felt judged by any of you but in writing this down I feel judgement and I know it is so well deserved. I feel guilty as I should and I have told him that, Noting has happened but I guess that really does not matter because if I were a true friend I would never do this. What is wrong with me???? I think my feelings are so out of whack because I know this is a situation with no strings attached and I feel so safe with that but I also know it is by far so NOT right!
I have purged so many times today and I know its all stress and guilt. I was with this gf last night and there daughter whom I love so much and it made me sick to even look at myself in the mirror! Not only have I gained 3,000 lbs but I'm a terrible fucking person. I'm need to say this out loud or I will die. I do not expect anyone who reads my blog to understand me or try to console me because I do not deserve it for even a second.
I need help and any advice that one can give me, I NEVER want to hurt my gf and I think this would piss her off so bad, please(higher power) give me strength to deal with this in a correct way! Never once have I done something like this and I am so f'ing angry with myself, but yet I cannot seem to find the strength to say no!
I really do hate me right now and it does not help the fact that I have no therapist to turn to for help and advice when god knows I do not need that to make the right decision because I already know what that is!
Just fucking do it Heidi say NO!
ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I want to run away, and I have NO ONE to spill to, NO ONE but my amazing friends here who I fear of loosing so much because of this post!
I'm so sorry I have become that person, the one women hate, and do not trust and, never want to call a friend, that person who people talk about behind there backs and who people say "See she's the kind of person who gives women a bad name"!
I want to be the complete opposite and I thought I was but fuck I guess I am the kind of person who no one wants to be like! I have always been taught to not be this person. God LISA where are you! I hate this! F you Heidi F you and you f'ing ED!
I have purged so many times today and I know its all stress and guilt. I was with this gf last night and there daughter whom I love so much and it made me sick to even look at myself in the mirror! Not only have I gained 3,000 lbs but I'm a terrible fucking person. I'm need to say this out loud or I will die. I do not expect anyone who reads my blog to understand me or try to console me because I do not deserve it for even a second.
I need help and any advice that one can give me, I NEVER want to hurt my gf and I think this would piss her off so bad, please(higher power) give me strength to deal with this in a correct way! Never once have I done something like this and I am so f'ing angry with myself, but yet I cannot seem to find the strength to say no!
I really do hate me right now and it does not help the fact that I have no therapist to turn to for help and advice when god knows I do not need that to make the right decision because I already know what that is!
Just fucking do it Heidi say NO!
ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I want to run away, and I have NO ONE to spill to, NO ONE but my amazing friends here who I fear of loosing so much because of this post!
I'm so sorry I have become that person, the one women hate, and do not trust and, never want to call a friend, that person who people talk about behind there backs and who people say "See she's the kind of person who gives women a bad name"!
I want to be the complete opposite and I thought I was but fuck I guess I am the kind of person who no one wants to be like! I have always been taught to not be this person. God LISA where are you! I hate this! F you Heidi F you and you f'ing ED!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Pizza is so not my friend!
I just ate 3 freaking pieces and on purpose had no fluids just so I knew I would keep it down, ERRRRRR this is so hard. I ordered it last night knowing I was going to b/p and did and ordered it for lunch knowing I was going to do the same however when it arrived I had a change of heart. Not sure where it came from just might have been all the strength I felt today in reading all of your posts. SO thank you for that....ALL OF YOU!
I'm feeling kind of lonely today, and at the same time really satisfied. I'm wearing scrubs which can work either way but today they are working in a most positive way. Not hating myself even though those 3 pieces of pizza were about 8,0000000000 calories (wow is that even a number)?
My throat is hurting and has been for the last few days, god I swear everytime I make out it hurts, must be those 50,000 germs that we carry around in us and not really caring when it comes to sucking face with another person who is carrying the same GROSS! ICK YUCK
Oh well temporary satisfaction is usually a plus for me!
I was thinking about what I wrote about little c's father and have been really judging myself because of it! I mean what makes me a better person than he is, I definitely have my own addictions that I struggle with and at the same time I would NEVER leave my little man! I AM a better person than he is dammit, I have to believe that and let that be the truth because no matter what, little C is my world and should be his too! I hate the way I compare myself to others and how I always seem to come in last place with them, its not fair, I should be able to love me with no conditions and I just am not able to feel like I deserve it! I want to stop this madness and move forward I DO but I am so FUCKING scared to do it, to let go, to trust in me, to have faith that others will be there for me and will not leave me at the sense of some very allowed weakness. BUT how do I even begin to see that when I have living proof of the opposite, my own effing sister for example, I have to tell you what I did last week. Ok a few months ago right before I went into treatment I posted about my sister giving me a watch that had been left to her from my aunt who had killed herself, I stated how much it meant to me and how special I felt that my sister had told me that not everything had to end like that and that she knew I had the strength to overcome this, well I GAVE IT BACK! Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not and not sure if it was just me needing to get in the last word with her or show her how much I hated her and the way she has treated me and made me believe that I was actually special and meaningful in her life but in any case it went home to her! I know the watch was my aunts and part of that felt so special to me but the truth of the matter is that it meant more to her as did my aunt, my aunt always treated her like the special one and the one who was better and deserved more love, it was a told tale that my mom loved me more so my aunt I think tried to make up for then when actually my mom loved my sister just as much however the connection was just so different, my sister was an extremely difficult child and showed it to my mom every chance she got, not sure why but that was just how she was....God not sure how I ended up here just alot of monkey mind today! Im gonna quit because I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.
Bored at work so I'm gonna watch Dodge Ball...I need to laugh and let this pizza settle!
I'm feeling kind of lonely today, and at the same time really satisfied. I'm wearing scrubs which can work either way but today they are working in a most positive way. Not hating myself even though those 3 pieces of pizza were about 8,0000000000 calories (wow is that even a number)?
My throat is hurting and has been for the last few days, god I swear everytime I make out it hurts, must be those 50,000 germs that we carry around in us and not really caring when it comes to sucking face with another person who is carrying the same GROSS! ICK YUCK
Oh well temporary satisfaction is usually a plus for me!
I was thinking about what I wrote about little c's father and have been really judging myself because of it! I mean what makes me a better person than he is, I definitely have my own addictions that I struggle with and at the same time I would NEVER leave my little man! I AM a better person than he is dammit, I have to believe that and let that be the truth because no matter what, little C is my world and should be his too! I hate the way I compare myself to others and how I always seem to come in last place with them, its not fair, I should be able to love me with no conditions and I just am not able to feel like I deserve it! I want to stop this madness and move forward I DO but I am so FUCKING scared to do it, to let go, to trust in me, to have faith that others will be there for me and will not leave me at the sense of some very allowed weakness. BUT how do I even begin to see that when I have living proof of the opposite, my own effing sister for example, I have to tell you what I did last week. Ok a few months ago right before I went into treatment I posted about my sister giving me a watch that had been left to her from my aunt who had killed herself, I stated how much it meant to me and how special I felt that my sister had told me that not everything had to end like that and that she knew I had the strength to overcome this, well I GAVE IT BACK! Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not and not sure if it was just me needing to get in the last word with her or show her how much I hated her and the way she has treated me and made me believe that I was actually special and meaningful in her life but in any case it went home to her! I know the watch was my aunts and part of that felt so special to me but the truth of the matter is that it meant more to her as did my aunt, my aunt always treated her like the special one and the one who was better and deserved more love, it was a told tale that my mom loved me more so my aunt I think tried to make up for then when actually my mom loved my sister just as much however the connection was just so different, my sister was an extremely difficult child and showed it to my mom every chance she got, not sure why but that was just how she was....God not sure how I ended up here just alot of monkey mind today! Im gonna quit because I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.
Bored at work so I'm gonna watch Dodge Ball...I need to laugh and let this pizza settle!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
OH MY EFFING GOD! I did a google search on my name and this article came up! I have never authorized this info to anyone! Who does this shit?
THIS IS FROM WHEN I WAS IP IN 2002!
www.italknews.com/view_story.php?sid=91 - 19k
www.italknews.com/view_story.php?sid=91 - 19k
Little C deserves so much more than a sperm donor!
Sometimes I wonder what I ever even was attracted to in little c's dad. Well the sperm donor, because god knows that someone who had a 2 1/2 yr old and is $10,000 in debt with on child support, no phone call in a year and has not seen him in almost 2 in no winner in anyones book! I'm so angry about him lately! Not only for me but mostly for little c, he is the spitting image of his dad. I just DO NOT understand how someone can be like that, how can you KNOW that you have a child and do nothing about it! Never call to see how they are errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it makes me want to beat the fuck out of something just thinking about it! Rage this is a feeling I never feel about anything..not even my ed but when it comes to sam I want to KILL him! Not really but I feel so much anger and I just don't know what to do with it!
I have been talking to Sams brother lately well emailing and this is the message I got from him today!
Lauren,
Sam texted me Saturday, I called him we spoke for a min and he was supposed to call me back as he was in Reno. But of course that flaky fucker never called back. I know that asshole is just being a bum in Tahoe and shoving white shit up his nose. He is almost 30, I can't believe he has not got over this shit, gotta get kind of boring. I partied hard too, but it got old after a while and it just stopped when little O was born. My dad is the same way right now, like father like son I guess. Both of them are just plain selfish, I love em both, but they are just out to destroy themselves. I do not get upset by it anymore, its just a waste of my time.
R
Funny don't you think?? more like sad as hell that even his own brother feels this way! I just wish I had an answer, but I feel like I will never get one! I DON"T EFFING UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT!
I love my little man more than I could ever love anything and I have no idea of how to deal with this situation when it arises with little c.
Confused, angry, irritated, happy that I'm not alone in my feelings, my little man deserves better!
What kind of a person would not want to hear "I love you daddy?"
I have been talking to Sams brother lately well emailing and this is the message I got from him today!
Lauren,
Sam texted me Saturday, I called him we spoke for a min and he was supposed to call me back as he was in Reno. But of course that flaky fucker never called back. I know that asshole is just being a bum in Tahoe and shoving white shit up his nose. He is almost 30, I can't believe he has not got over this shit, gotta get kind of boring. I partied hard too, but it got old after a while and it just stopped when little O was born. My dad is the same way right now, like father like son I guess. Both of them are just plain selfish, I love em both, but they are just out to destroy themselves. I do not get upset by it anymore, its just a waste of my time.
R
Funny don't you think?? more like sad as hell that even his own brother feels this way! I just wish I had an answer, but I feel like I will never get one! I DON"T EFFING UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT!
I love my little man more than I could ever love anything and I have no idea of how to deal with this situation when it arises with little c.
Confused, angry, irritated, happy that I'm not alone in my feelings, my little man deserves better!
What kind of a person would not want to hear "I love you daddy?"
Monday, August 6, 2007
What a crazy freaking weekend!!!! I loved it!!!
Ok so first thing first I MADE OUT!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SWEET!!! He was so country but the hottiest little country boy I ever met!!! Oh yeah and in flight school!!! I was over it by the next morning but while it lasted my goodness, I wish I was good at returning phone calls! Oh well guess that is when I realize that maybe I just am not ready, well that or I have not met the "IT" man.
Also got to see my Sushi boy, totally dragged my gf to meet him, we totally flirted but I refuse to ask this one out even though I so want to because "GREG" author of "He's Just Not That Into You" Says no!!!!! Not sure if he is always right but hey what have I got to lose!
Sat was a bit crazy, my gf S that I went out with and am moving in with had a really bad morning with her kids father so I spent the day with her while he was an ass with his kids at his parents house, anyways after watching about 6 hours of Big Brother After Dark, we fell asleep only to be awaken by what felt like an earthquake or like someone had broken into the house, huge bang fucking scared the shit out of us, so after a few min we got up and went outside only to see a sheriff outside the next door neighbors house, as well as smoke coming out of the garage and house. We told the cop that no one was home because they went camping and the cop said that, someone was in the house and that they were putting the fire out, anyways 6 fire trucks and 12 cop cars later we went to bed only to be awaken by a cop with the confirmation about what we suspected was going on and guess what METH LAB! Can you freaking believe that shit!!!! This is one of the nicest neighborhoods I have ever seen too, the saddest part is that they have two children under the age of 7, and guess what that means....CPS! I cannot even imagine the fear these children will feel! Makes me so sad!!!
Sunday was great, freaking freezing but so fun, we took the boys to the beach, private little beach in Oakland, so pretty and I cannot even begin to explain how fun it was seeing little C run around with all of this excitement and energy he had no idea of what to do with it!!!!
Physically I'm doing ok I guess although I hate my boobs again haha, have a call in to my Dr, I feel like they look like they did before surgery and I'll be damn sure I'm not gonna pay 7000 for uneven tits!!! Oh well just got a phone call from them and they are gonna see me this afternoon!!!
Food wise whelp not interested in going there right now, really hard couple of days and trying to deal with that internally first!!!
Love to you all I hope you weekend was amazing
Friday, August 3, 2007
I FEEL SO FAT I CAN BARELY SCRATCH MY BUTT!!
Morning ya'll, What the heck am I from Texas or something??? Just messing with ya I LOVE TEXAS~ Not that that has shit to do with tea in china, ugh what am I talking about? My weight is so outta control, my stomach has the biggest rolls and love handles it is so not bad body image either, and I refuse to get on the scale because I know it will do nothing but damage me even more!
This morning has been really peaceful, and I want so send some extra love out to FF today, girl you F'ing rock sista, your words make me feel this strange connection to you and I treasure that sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, love you hun!
Sarah and Carla and AE that you so much for being there for me when I felt such a meltdown yesterday.
SO when I got off of work yesterday I went to my moms house because I could not bare the thought of sitting at my dads for 3 hours until Big Brother started, need some away time and time with little c. Anyways I sent my mom a copy of yesterdays post, it was really hard to do but she has known that I have this blog and about all of you however I have yet to let her read my stuff. I share tons with her and it made me feel so good to let her know where I was at with my ed. SHe told me that I take her breath away! God I can honestly tell you that I know of no one else in my life who is as blessed as I am to have the mom that I do, fucking amazing woman she is!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really excited about tonight, I have a date this my gf, the one whom I'm moving in with by the way we got a house!!! YIPPY!!!!!
Anyways there is a sushi place next to my work with the hottest waiter ever, grrrrrrrrrrrr I NEED TO GET LAID>>>> Sorry tmi I'm sure but f it its my blog and its the truth!
Any who we are going to this great little wine bar in Benicia called the Chill that is such a great place and awesome wine I might add.
My boss is on vaca for the next week and a half which is a bummer, but it will be really quite around here so that will be nice, at the end of the day yesterday she took me aside and told me how happy she was to have me back and how much she appreciates me and the work I do and that she is there for me anytime day or night, shit how many people can say they have a boss like that?? God I am lucky!
Weekend plan: (I thought I should have one)
1; Dinner and get Bombed with S
2; Sleep in yeah right!
3; Spend day with little c, picnic and park
4; Spend evening with e and little c at my dads
5; Sunday do shit maybe take little c to hear some music!!! oh and we have are pizza date little c and I!
That's all!!!!
So
Sound exciting!
Happy Friday!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
What I want but am so terrified of!
The last two days have been really difficult for me as far as my ED is concerned, I have realized I am 100% completely in love with it, but in a weird way, I ache for it daily, it is the only time I feel safe anymore, I cry for it all the time and that is when I fall. I have been listening to this song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie and it finally clicked to me that it said everything that I feel for my ed and everything I want to say to but feel that I am just to weak to do, so this post today is me trying to say it for the first time to any of you out there who may read.
This is me "HEIDI" not fucking" Lauren" the real me crying and screaming and yelling with all my might to anyone or no one that will listen!!
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
Like your little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine, Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
Love to all of you!
Today I sit hear completely open and vulnerable please hold my hand
\\\|///
\\ - - //
( O-O )
---------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo---------------
Twenty years from now you will be more
disappointed by the things that you
didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain
-------------- .oooO-- Oooo. --------------
( ) ( )
\ ( ) /
\_) (_/
This is me "HEIDI" not fucking" Lauren" the real me crying and screaming and yelling with all my might to anyone or no one that will listen!!
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
Like your little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine, Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
Love to all of you!
Today I sit hear completely open and vulnerable please hold my hand
\\\|///
\\ - - //
( O-O )
---------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo---------------
Twenty years from now you will be more
disappointed by the things that you
didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain
-------------- .oooO-- Oooo. --------------
( ) ( )
\ ( ) /
\_) (_/
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