So bad night,,,, not as bad as I guess it has been in the past and not to sure what exactly happened but I purged! Why, I kept freaking asking myself? The answer is plain and simple, I have no freaking clue!
Right when I start talking about feeling good or "ok" with my recovery status I seem to jeopardize what I have accomplished. I get scared and confused and the feelings of complete panic begin to take over.
Prozac you are not doing your job dammit!
I have a card that I have been holding onto and taking everywhere with me, and it reads; "You're Being Helped, Heaven is working behind the scenes to help you, even if you don't see results yet."
I have been trying to hold onto those words, even though I have no kind of relationship with any sort of higher power I still am hoping that one of some sort is out there for me and I have to have faith in something right?
This a.m. I'm feeling ok, I had my breakfast which consist of flax seed granola and frozen blueberries and milk, and have kept it down along with 2 cups of coffee, but still in the back of my mind I feel the stress. One min at a time Lauren that is all you have to worry about.
Something I was thinking about on my way home from work last night was how I started acting towards the end of my treatment with the new girls who were coming in. Not that I am proud of my actions but I felt myself getting frustrated with them, and then I realized why...... I have been feeling angry that this eating disorder is not JUST MINE! This whole time even though I knew others were suffering I have felt like it was my secret my passion my ed and now I realize I'm just one of so many who suffer, and that makes me feel so not important or at least no where near what I thought I was when I was at my sickest!
I feel so guilty saying this but honestly I don't know what else to do with it! I want to purge my feeling with the strength that ae had. I want to feel that relief from something other than food. Im so in awwwwwwwwwww of you ae!!!! You brave amazing thing.
Well I actually have to work today but I will try to post before this beautiful weekend happens!!! happy friday to all of you
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13 comments:
One day at a time is right, Lauren. I don't know what else to say. It's going to be hard and you're going to have slips ups, but you can't let them get ya down.
Lauren-It is so great to have you back. I missed you so much. I have been in outpatient treatment now for about a month and hear are some things that have been helping:
1.if you can, get rid of your scale; it does nothing but sabotage recovery
2.whenever you feel like weighing yourself or purging, make a phone call (if you want my phone number, E-mail me)
3.Before you want to engage in an ED behavior, think of someone important to you
You were able to go so many days w/o purging, you can do it again. You are on your road to recovery.
That's great advice from k and Palm. One day at a time is all you have to do. Actually you only even have to do one hour at a time! Don't beat yourself up, just keep moving forward. You're doing SO GREAT.
I think its very normal to have a setback or do something to jeopardize recovery when you're feeling good. At least that is what I have noticed about myself. It's almost like there is part of me that doesn't believe I deserve to feel good or be happy and so I sabotage myself.
But you are doing such an amazing job, I am sooooo proud of you. Don't let this one slip mess you up!
xoxoxo
Sarah
PTC-I hate the slipups the guilt is almost unbearable
k- god your words are exactly what I have been taught and yet so hard to remember! People call me all the time and I'm totally there for them, it is just so hard for me to not feel like I'm being a burden! I would love your email!!!
xoxo
Sarah-I wounder why it is that we start to want to ruin all that we have worked so hard for! I don't ever want to go back to where I was, I was in hell and yet I'm not so sure I can handle complete recovery!!! Errrrr lame I know!!
xoxo
I feel the same way, Lauren. I always feel like a burden so I just keep everything to myself! K's an awesome person, believe me, I've met her.
Hi Lauren,
you know, I think that even though we all share the common struggle of food and body problems, we are also all very unique. You are Lauren and no one else can be just like you. That's what makes you such a valuable member of this community--you just being you.
I appreciate your compliments. I don't feel too great about where I'm at today, but it's nice to hear that you can still my good days.
lots of love,
ae
I completely understand the burden feeling but, from what i learned, if people offer to talk, they mean it. ED's are very selfish diseases. They take away everything. It is time we start being selfish and doing whatever it takes to sop the behaviors. Push the thoughts of being a burden aside and start putting yourself first.
My E-mail is mylifethusfark@gmail.com
I, too, had "issues" with the other people who were IP. But you know... (and it IS so dreadfully difficult to remember!!!) - it's good enough being HUMAN.
As Ms Em says, recovery is reality. Our EDs seem easier - simply because they're postponing (and subsequently magnifying) the inevitable: LIFE.
We're afraid, I think in part, of feeling the pain of life. We think that recovery is all smiles - and to be recovered is to be, well, ouch, perfect.
But to be recovered is simply to be human. And that means ups and downs and highs and lows etc etc - smiles and tears and anger, frowns, joy, laughter...
:)
Chin up! You sound so strong, really! (and yeehaw, doesn't a nourished mind function better!!! Amen, sista!!)
:)
Hey sweetie,
One step back does not negate all the progress you have made. One day at a time sweetie.
I love the card you carry around. Even if you feel you don't have a relationship with a higher power, you can still pray to the Father. He hears you, always.
DG
lauren-
....good luck to you!!it sounds like you have already come a long way!
You are absolutely right, what I always say, it's ok to fall, as long as you fall forward.
XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXO
Great advice ff,
i miss you
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