1. Are there any weird "food rules" you have?
Not to many weird food rules, only one I can think of is that I have to have a drink in front of me no matter if I drink it or not it HAS to be sitting there for me to see!!!
2. When you were growing up, what ONE thing did your parents always remind you of, when it came to meal time (or cooking)?
Always had to have that damn napkin on our lap and elbows off the table, I still suck at that one.
3. Is there anyone you know whose food you won't eat (for one reason or another)?
I refuse to eat food at someone house if they have cats and it smells like cats, (let me reword that) you can have a cat but if it smells like one I will barf!
4. Is there anything you "specialize" in cooking, that people actually ask for?
Nope, I SUCK at cooking!!! ERRRRRRRRRR I wish I could use more than a microwave!
5. When you were growing up, what one meal do you remember as being your favorite?
My all time fav way our sat morning mickey mouse pancakes or french toast, yummy my mom is the best chef in my book!! I so love you momma!
6. Today, what is your IDEAL meal?
I just want some damn glazed donut holes!!!!! Oh and some hot coco, guess I have a sweet tooth today!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Where have I been?
First off I just have to send my love and thoughts out to Jen, not going to say anything else other than my heart is so with her!
Second thank you all for your support this week, obviously my surgery went well and I'm actually back to work already. I wanted to come back last wed but had to do a follow up with my Dr. and luckily she said all looked good and I was finally able to take a shower, haha my smelly self with no shower for 2 days, I was going crazy!
Things with my sis are still the same only I have decided that I am going to cut off the ties between her and my son, she was asked by my dad on Tuesday to pick up Chance since I would be in surgery and she said no so that was the deciding factor on Little C and her relationship, all for the best I guess!
Sorry I have not posted in awhile I just have not been up for it, not sure why maybe I'm just ashamed in myself for my actions with my ED lately, its not out of control in any way just not where I wish I was at.
I had a really weird dream again the other night and I woke up feeling really depressed, it was about little C and I also had another baby who was like 6 months old and I left him at daycare not sure why but for some reason I did not take him with Little C and I. Anyways I left and was trying to hit on my cousins husband (gross) not sure why about that either, when all of the sudden I looked at my watch and it said 7:40 pm and and my heart sank, I rushed over to the daycare and the lady that was there said that she had the results on my son and that he was very depressed, I was confused how someone could tell that my 6 month old was depressed, anyways I woke up with this urge to want to get rid of all the bad in my life and be a better mom to little C, but for some reason when I thought about all the bad, not once did my ed pop into my head. I don't know why this dream has sat so shity with me but it has, I mean is and was it telling me that I am a bad mom and that little c is depressed or was it about some inner child bull shit or what, I hate when dreams effect me so deeply.
My ed, has got such a hold of me right now, but in a different way than ever before, I was telling my mom the other day that I was feeling really lonely right now, in the relationship department and I told her that I want to meet someone completely new that knows nothing about me or my shity ed, someone who I can be the fake me with the happy all the time no worries, no ed person with, I just want to feel free. I want to open up my arms and spin in circles like I did when I was a child no cares no worries of feeling dizzy and falling where ever the dizziness took me. I want to hear my dad say who wants to go for Ice-cream and to yell out loud "I scream you scream we all scream for ice-cream," and then go and eat it without the fear of gaining weight or the urge to vomit it up! I want to hold and be held, my eyes shut and open them with a feeling of relief and the urge to simply breathe!
Simply breathe.........god I would give anything for that!
I miss having someone that I WANT to confide in and wants to do the same with me. I feel like I destined to be alone in this world of ed and that scares me more than I can even express. I fear that little c will not be able to love his mommy because she is to weak of a person for him to even respect. I want so much for him I'm just afraid that I can not do it alone, I DON"T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!! I also know I do not have the energy to do the whole I tell you you tell me thing either! Ugh not a very upbeat post sorry, but on the up side I have super pretty tata's!! HeeHee
Second thank you all for your support this week, obviously my surgery went well and I'm actually back to work already. I wanted to come back last wed but had to do a follow up with my Dr. and luckily she said all looked good and I was finally able to take a shower, haha my smelly self with no shower for 2 days, I was going crazy!
Things with my sis are still the same only I have decided that I am going to cut off the ties between her and my son, she was asked by my dad on Tuesday to pick up Chance since I would be in surgery and she said no so that was the deciding factor on Little C and her relationship, all for the best I guess!
Sorry I have not posted in awhile I just have not been up for it, not sure why maybe I'm just ashamed in myself for my actions with my ED lately, its not out of control in any way just not where I wish I was at.
I had a really weird dream again the other night and I woke up feeling really depressed, it was about little C and I also had another baby who was like 6 months old and I left him at daycare not sure why but for some reason I did not take him with Little C and I. Anyways I left and was trying to hit on my cousins husband (gross) not sure why about that either, when all of the sudden I looked at my watch and it said 7:40 pm and and my heart sank, I rushed over to the daycare and the lady that was there said that she had the results on my son and that he was very depressed, I was confused how someone could tell that my 6 month old was depressed, anyways I woke up with this urge to want to get rid of all the bad in my life and be a better mom to little C, but for some reason when I thought about all the bad, not once did my ed pop into my head. I don't know why this dream has sat so shity with me but it has, I mean is and was it telling me that I am a bad mom and that little c is depressed or was it about some inner child bull shit or what, I hate when dreams effect me so deeply.
My ed, has got such a hold of me right now, but in a different way than ever before, I was telling my mom the other day that I was feeling really lonely right now, in the relationship department and I told her that I want to meet someone completely new that knows nothing about me or my shity ed, someone who I can be the fake me with the happy all the time no worries, no ed person with, I just want to feel free. I want to open up my arms and spin in circles like I did when I was a child no cares no worries of feeling dizzy and falling where ever the dizziness took me. I want to hear my dad say who wants to go for Ice-cream and to yell out loud "I scream you scream we all scream for ice-cream," and then go and eat it without the fear of gaining weight or the urge to vomit it up! I want to hold and be held, my eyes shut and open them with a feeling of relief and the urge to simply breathe!
Simply breathe.........god I would give anything for that!
I miss having someone that I WANT to confide in and wants to do the same with me. I feel like I destined to be alone in this world of ed and that scares me more than I can even express. I fear that little c will not be able to love his mommy because she is to weak of a person for him to even respect. I want so much for him I'm just afraid that I can not do it alone, I DON"T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!! I also know I do not have the energy to do the whole I tell you you tell me thing either! Ugh not a very upbeat post sorry, but on the up side I have super pretty tata's!! HeeHee
Monday, July 23, 2007
B DAY!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHH I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo nervous about tomorrow. Am I dong the right thing? What am I talking about of course I am, I'm just scared, surgery is never fun and the biggest downfall is that I will not be able to pick up my little man for 3 weeks. I can hold him but not unless someone picks him up and puts him in my arms! He is gonna not agree to this I can tell you that for sure right now. He has been so attached to me lately, my mom likes to say " he would crawl inside you if he could" meaning he is that attached, and that is the truth.
This weekend went pretty good, I had a few slip ups but I'm not going to be hard on myself about them, live and learn and that is really all I can do. I just wish they and the urges would disappear.
My gf S and I went looking at a house which I hope and think went well but will see what they say. Her mom has already said that she will co-sign for us if she needs to which will be nice. Hopefully we won't need that though. The house is a pretty good size and the yard is HUGE which is great. We decided that we will take the garage and turn it into a playroom for the boys, I told S there is no way I can live in a house that looks like a daycare. Little c has a lot of toys but I have never let my house look like it was run by a kid and I'm not about to start now.
I ended up spending all day with S and her twins which was an experience to say the least! Really her boys a good but so different from C. One of hers is a total bully and the other is a whiner, Chance falls really no where near either, so because of that they all got along pretty well. Which is good!
I am a bit nervous about living with two more kids because I see how stressed she gets with them, but I think it would and will be good for both of us to have some help considering kids tend to listen a bit more to people who are not there parents.
Will see won't we!
My poor body is gonna be so sore I hate the thought of more pain and pain meds, but I also know they will help me sleep through alot of the pain so that is good. ERRRRRRRR how did this all happen?
My sister is still being a royal bitch, no word from her at all which sucks but Im getting used to it I guess, she is such a damn chicken shit!
I get to quit smoking today to which sucks but I know I will feel so much better with out it! Will I ever find a good habbit????? God I hope so!
This weekend went pretty good, I had a few slip ups but I'm not going to be hard on myself about them, live and learn and that is really all I can do. I just wish they and the urges would disappear.
My gf S and I went looking at a house which I hope and think went well but will see what they say. Her mom has already said that she will co-sign for us if she needs to which will be nice. Hopefully we won't need that though. The house is a pretty good size and the yard is HUGE which is great. We decided that we will take the garage and turn it into a playroom for the boys, I told S there is no way I can live in a house that looks like a daycare. Little c has a lot of toys but I have never let my house look like it was run by a kid and I'm not about to start now.
I ended up spending all day with S and her twins which was an experience to say the least! Really her boys a good but so different from C. One of hers is a total bully and the other is a whiner, Chance falls really no where near either, so because of that they all got along pretty well. Which is good!
I am a bit nervous about living with two more kids because I see how stressed she gets with them, but I think it would and will be good for both of us to have some help considering kids tend to listen a bit more to people who are not there parents.
Will see won't we!
My poor body is gonna be so sore I hate the thought of more pain and pain meds, but I also know they will help me sleep through alot of the pain so that is good. ERRRRRRRR how did this all happen?
My sister is still being a royal bitch, no word from her at all which sucks but Im getting used to it I guess, she is such a damn chicken shit!
I get to quit smoking today to which sucks but I know I will feel so much better with out it! Will I ever find a good habbit????? God I hope so!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Melt Down at the Dr.
So I go in for my pre-op today and the med tech asked me what my weight is and I without thinking start to become VERY defensive, I told her that I WILL NOT get on the scale and she started giving me a bit of a hard time until I all of the sudden completely broke down into tears. WTF! My step mom kept telling me that it was ok and to breathe but all I wanted to do was slap the shit out of this girl for totally making me lose my cool. I guess when I think about it it was not really her fault but for the first time my step mom was able to see me in action which sucked because I hate being able to see how bad this damn thing effects me. I'm lost at my actions today and really depressed, I need a vacation and time to veg-out! I feel so pathetic for not even being able to allow someone to do a blind weight on me but the thought of someone I don't know knowing my weight and me not makes me crazy!
Its Friday and I'm sending all the happy thoughts I have left in me right now to all of you and hoping you all have an amazing weekend!!!! Love to you Lauren!
Its Friday and I'm sending all the happy thoughts I have left in me right now to all of you and hoping you all have an amazing weekend!!!! Love to you Lauren!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Just a thought!
Having a hard time connecting with myself and my feelings last couple of days, and not so sure why, I emailed Lisa and told her what had been going on and got an awesome response back from her, she asked me why I was avoiding her and honestly I'm not sure if this is the true answer or if it is the easy one, but I'm just not wanting to be honest with her or anyone else about what has been going on for me. I feel guilty when I post lately because there have been quite a few slips lately and I feel terrible about them, I don't in anyway want anyone to think that treatment cannot or does not work because it can and it does, I think that I have just not been wanting to follow the directions I was given of the amazing techniques I was taught because simply I'm lazy sometimes and it feels like a lot less work to just give into my ed.
I'm tired of the quilt though, I know that people are going to do what they want no matter what I say or do and I think that sometimes I need to be just good to myself and except that fact that some days are not going to be so hot for me and some will probably be just ok and some shit I may love those. All I know is today is not one of them. I have been hating how negative I have been sounding on my blog the last couple of weeks, I'm sick of feeling like I'm making people feel sorry for me because that is so not what I want. None of you make me feel that way by the way I'm just having a bit of diarrhea of the mouth, which remind me of a nasty dream I had about poo poo and Mc Donald's last night haha gross no one wants to hear that one....
Talked to my gf S last night and we are meeting with a man and his wife who are renting there house out on Saturday, I'm really excited, I think I need a change, funny thing happened to me this am, I was having a conversation with the dietitian I work with and she said that she thinks maybe the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my ed is because I went right back to the same environment that I was in when I was at my worst and maybe it was time for a change, I totally agreed ed, even though my parents have been amazing I started thinking that maybe it is just to easy for me and just maybe it is time for me to grow up a bit and start to really and fully take care of my life and my shit, I don't know just a thought!
I'm tired of the quilt though, I know that people are going to do what they want no matter what I say or do and I think that sometimes I need to be just good to myself and except that fact that some days are not going to be so hot for me and some will probably be just ok and some shit I may love those. All I know is today is not one of them. I have been hating how negative I have been sounding on my blog the last couple of weeks, I'm sick of feeling like I'm making people feel sorry for me because that is so not what I want. None of you make me feel that way by the way I'm just having a bit of diarrhea of the mouth, which remind me of a nasty dream I had about poo poo and Mc Donald's last night haha gross no one wants to hear that one....
Talked to my gf S last night and we are meeting with a man and his wife who are renting there house out on Saturday, I'm really excited, I think I need a change, funny thing happened to me this am, I was having a conversation with the dietitian I work with and she said that she thinks maybe the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my ed is because I went right back to the same environment that I was in when I was at my worst and maybe it was time for a change, I totally agreed ed, even though my parents have been amazing I started thinking that maybe it is just to easy for me and just maybe it is time for me to grow up a bit and start to really and fully take care of my life and my shit, I don't know just a thought!
Monday, July 16, 2007
NEW BOOBS!!!!! YIPPY
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS friday pre-op and surgery on tuesday!!!!!!! Just had to post Im so excited!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!
Pain meds thank god for them!
Ok and the count down starts again, 2 day no purging, I guess that's a start especially after this weekend! Fridays appt went really good, I LOVED the plastic surgery Dr. she was amazing and had so much great info for me, although I was really pissed when she told me the info that I should have been told 7 years ago when I first had the surgery. So yep for the great price of 7,000 dollars I can be back to somewhat normal where my boobs are concerned. Friday night was not good though, I came down with a fever and my poor boob hurt more that I could ever explain, also I started having pain literally all over my body, my skin hurt to even touch it, so I went to the hospital Sat morning and was given some vicodin and sent home but after 2 doses of that and no relief what so ever my gf took me back in to get a shot, and they pumped my up with morphine and benadryl since I started itching all over after taking the vicodin, after all that I finally started to feel a little bit better, as it turns out I had an infection, not sure what it was caused from but they think it was from the saline that was released from my implant! Funny how it did not hit me for 5 days though!
Feeling a bit better today but yesterday morning after getting all the narcs I seriously felt like I was hit by a truck!
Today has been pretty good so far, god 3 cups of coffee later, you all have no idea how fast I am actually typing this post so please forgive the many errors that are in it.
Little C and I had a terrible nights sleep, he is not feeling good either and was up all night which was hard to deal with since I have been on all these meds and have not napped at all, we were up and down for hours last night! I want a pillow right here right now. Actually I probably would not be able to sleep at all with all the caffeine I have consumed.
Stuff with my sis has not changed at all in fact there has been no contact what-so-ever! Oh well life goes on right?
I went to a baby shower on Sat morning after my first trip to the hospital and that was pretty good although I'm so still having problems with food at parties, so many finger foods and I just don't know when to stop eating them! Will the madness ever end????
I finally totally cut things off with 2 of the male friends I have been talking to, one was crazy overwhelming and the other well he was so speratic in everything that he did, Im just sick of them all.
SO my gf S and I have decided that we are going to move in together, she has 2 twin boys who are 6 months younger than little c and is ending her relationship with he boys father because he is a complete asshole, so both of us feel that it would be good to basically be support for each other and shit we have been best friends for 14 years, what more could you ask for, being alone in an apartment with little c I just don't think is the smartest thing to do right now!!
Ok well work is crazy like always so gonna jet but sending you all tons of love
Feeling a bit better today but yesterday morning after getting all the narcs I seriously felt like I was hit by a truck!
Today has been pretty good so far, god 3 cups of coffee later, you all have no idea how fast I am actually typing this post so please forgive the many errors that are in it.
Little C and I had a terrible nights sleep, he is not feeling good either and was up all night which was hard to deal with since I have been on all these meds and have not napped at all, we were up and down for hours last night! I want a pillow right here right now. Actually I probably would not be able to sleep at all with all the caffeine I have consumed.
Stuff with my sis has not changed at all in fact there has been no contact what-so-ever! Oh well life goes on right?
I went to a baby shower on Sat morning after my first trip to the hospital and that was pretty good although I'm so still having problems with food at parties, so many finger foods and I just don't know when to stop eating them! Will the madness ever end????
I finally totally cut things off with 2 of the male friends I have been talking to, one was crazy overwhelming and the other well he was so speratic in everything that he did, Im just sick of them all.
SO my gf S and I have decided that we are going to move in together, she has 2 twin boys who are 6 months younger than little c and is ending her relationship with he boys father because he is a complete asshole, so both of us feel that it would be good to basically be support for each other and shit we have been best friends for 14 years, what more could you ask for, being alone in an apartment with little c I just don't think is the smartest thing to do right now!!
Ok well work is crazy like always so gonna jet but sending you all tons of love
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Have to post!!!
Ok so I had to post because I feel like the biggest asshole, I was just emailing someone (you know who you are) and a few weeks ago I did something I should not have done. Not going to say what bacause now I'm just embarrassed about it but I had to let this person know how sorry I am. Never in a million years would I want to make someone feel like I was intruding or make them feel freaked out but being stupid I did do it and I have no idea of how to let that person know how truly sorry I am and how much I respect them and there choices! SO here it is I'm putting it out there for you to know simply that I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY!!!!!
A poem to all of my amazing friends out there!!!
Just as there are fish in the sea,
Life has meaning to me.
A strange combination of sights & sounds,
Everyday new battlegrounds.
But just as there are happy and fantastic times,
There are also those not so great and sad times.
But life's about not feeling blue,
It's standing up tall & getting a better view.
So don't feel sad, just be glad.
Wipe those tears, please have no fears.
Because the meaning to life, my new found friends,
Is having special lifelong friends!
All of you are so that for me!!!!
Last night was a bit difficult, b/p 2 times and honestly I did not even care, I was craving it and would have kept going had I not been completely beat up feeling. I miss my sister......and I hate my sister, I saw her car in front of my dads house this am and within 3 seconds I went from feeling good to feeling so out of control. Why would she do this to me, shame on me for thinking she gave a shit about me. The saddest thing is that she is my only full blood sister, I have 2 step brothers and 1 half sister and she is the one I should have been able to trust the most.
God how did we get here. I was given the great piece of advice to write her a letter and I totally would but I think I'm so angry right now that I just might send it so I'm thinking it might not be the smartest thing to do right now!!! Maybe I can write it and post it then I know someone is reading it!!! (People I trust)
Today has gotten a bit better I made an apt for tomorrow for a consult with a plastic surgery Dr so I'm very excited about that!
My dad got home late last night and I cannot tell you how happy I was seeing him, and at the same time I was so scared because I know my sister has always been the good one and I fear she will down talk me or advise my dad to distance himself from me she would totally do that shit!
Work is going good, really busy and my boss is being so great with me, she totally was there for me when I had my huge freak out on Tuesday, she held me and told me that I do not deserve this shit!
I have been some what avoiding talking to the one person I have trusted more than anyone for the last few days because I have been lazy I think and I am not really ready to hear what she has to say even though I know it will all be to help me!!! God Lisa why am I being so lazy when you are the one I need!!!!!!! I miss our sessions!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok have to run I have a patient wait to be checked in!
love to all of you and ae remember I'm holding you~!
Life has meaning to me.
A strange combination of sights & sounds,
Everyday new battlegrounds.
But just as there are happy and fantastic times,
There are also those not so great and sad times.
But life's about not feeling blue,
It's standing up tall & getting a better view.
So don't feel sad, just be glad.
Wipe those tears, please have no fears.
Because the meaning to life, my new found friends,
Is having special lifelong friends!
All of you are so that for me!!!!
Last night was a bit difficult, b/p 2 times and honestly I did not even care, I was craving it and would have kept going had I not been completely beat up feeling. I miss my sister......and I hate my sister, I saw her car in front of my dads house this am and within 3 seconds I went from feeling good to feeling so out of control. Why would she do this to me, shame on me for thinking she gave a shit about me. The saddest thing is that she is my only full blood sister, I have 2 step brothers and 1 half sister and she is the one I should have been able to trust the most.
God how did we get here. I was given the great piece of advice to write her a letter and I totally would but I think I'm so angry right now that I just might send it so I'm thinking it might not be the smartest thing to do right now!!! Maybe I can write it and post it then I know someone is reading it!!! (People I trust)
Today has gotten a bit better I made an apt for tomorrow for a consult with a plastic surgery Dr so I'm very excited about that!
My dad got home late last night and I cannot tell you how happy I was seeing him, and at the same time I was so scared because I know my sister has always been the good one and I fear she will down talk me or advise my dad to distance himself from me she would totally do that shit!
Work is going good, really busy and my boss is being so great with me, she totally was there for me when I had my huge freak out on Tuesday, she held me and told me that I do not deserve this shit!
I have been some what avoiding talking to the one person I have trusted more than anyone for the last few days because I have been lazy I think and I am not really ready to hear what she has to say even though I know it will all be to help me!!! God Lisa why am I being so lazy when you are the one I need!!!!!!! I miss our sessions!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok have to run I have a patient wait to be checked in!
love to all of you and ae remember I'm holding you~!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Support I could never repay!
Thank you all so much for your constant love and support. All of your words and advice are seriously what help me get through me days.
Last night was really hard, I don't think I have ever in my life cried as much as I have since Saturday, I was beginning to wonder where the tears where coming from since I had not had anything to drink in who knows how long! They just kept coming.
I had a long talk with my step mom and told her that never in my life not even at my sickest was I ever this depressed. I actually could see for the first time last night how it would feel so much better to just not be here anymore and just not feel, well that was until little c came up to me and said u be ok momma you be ok....then he wiped my tears and said you have boogies!!! Haha god the innocence is never ending!
My dad has been on a fishing trip for the last 2 days and he called me twice yesterday to tell me he loved me and to just check on me, he also said that I needed to make a dr's apt asap and to not worry about the money he said we will work it out later. I swear him just saying that lifted 10 lbs off my back. I think he may have a little bit of an idea about what is going on with my sister but not sure, I wrote her back and said to not email me anymore, I just am not going to allow her to do this to me! My step mom told me that I only need to worry about what little c thinks and no one else, so as of today I'm gonna do my best to remember that bit of advice. I cannot believe my sister and her shity comments, god I have read them 1000 times and it makes me cry every time, funny thing is is that she is such a hard ass that I'm sure none of this means anything to her~! I hate that I was so stupid to believe that my ed could bring us back to being sisters, nothing will now cuz I'm done!
My mom has been so amazing through all of this her support and all of yours is truly something I will never be able to repay!
Hey no purging yesterday which is freaking amazing...........at least I have something to be proud of, god I hope that can get me through today!
Last night was really hard, I don't think I have ever in my life cried as much as I have since Saturday, I was beginning to wonder where the tears where coming from since I had not had anything to drink in who knows how long! They just kept coming.
I had a long talk with my step mom and told her that never in my life not even at my sickest was I ever this depressed. I actually could see for the first time last night how it would feel so much better to just not be here anymore and just not feel, well that was until little c came up to me and said u be ok momma you be ok....then he wiped my tears and said you have boogies!!! Haha god the innocence is never ending!
My dad has been on a fishing trip for the last 2 days and he called me twice yesterday to tell me he loved me and to just check on me, he also said that I needed to make a dr's apt asap and to not worry about the money he said we will work it out later. I swear him just saying that lifted 10 lbs off my back. I think he may have a little bit of an idea about what is going on with my sister but not sure, I wrote her back and said to not email me anymore, I just am not going to allow her to do this to me! My step mom told me that I only need to worry about what little c thinks and no one else, so as of today I'm gonna do my best to remember that bit of advice. I cannot believe my sister and her shity comments, god I have read them 1000 times and it makes me cry every time, funny thing is is that she is such a hard ass that I'm sure none of this means anything to her~! I hate that I was so stupid to believe that my ed could bring us back to being sisters, nothing will now cuz I'm done!
My mom has been so amazing through all of this her support and all of yours is truly something I will never be able to repay!
Hey no purging yesterday which is freaking amazing...........at least I have something to be proud of, god I hope that can get me through today!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Letter from my sister! "I seriously don't think I can deal"
Here is a letter from my sister, god do you feel the love!! Basically she has stated that my eating disorder and breast bull shit I asked for! Or maybe not asked for but I deserve because Im not a Jehovah's witness!!! HMMMMMM I wonder why!
I completely lost it at work and had to leave!!!
Lauren
I m sorry about how life has been turning out for you but you REALLY need to get a grip on things. The choices we make in our lives now & in the past reflect on our current and future standing & predicament we get ourselves into. Honestly….. Yes we “all” have stuff going on in our lives but we have VERY different way of dealing with things in general. The way you have chosen to live and the way I have chosen to live are two totally different paths. What gets me threw situations is prayer and reliance on Jehovah. I think there comes a time when people need to stand up and takes the bull by the reigns so to speak and take responsibility for there actions and there lives. People cannot blame others for there mistakes and there choices they make you need to take blame for your actions yourselves. There are SOOOOOO many people in the world that have it worse than you Heidi, not to diminish your problems by any means but we reap what we sow so to speak. You can have such a better life with so much less stress if you just took to heart Jehovah and his way of life. I wanted to help you in the past but you really need to help yourself at this point! I love little c and I want a good life for the both of you, this is my wish for you both! Hopefully you will find real peace one day.
I completely lost it at work and had to leave!!!
Lauren
I m sorry about how life has been turning out for you but you REALLY need to get a grip on things. The choices we make in our lives now & in the past reflect on our current and future standing & predicament we get ourselves into. Honestly….. Yes we “all” have stuff going on in our lives but we have VERY different way of dealing with things in general. The way you have chosen to live and the way I have chosen to live are two totally different paths. What gets me threw situations is prayer and reliance on Jehovah. I think there comes a time when people need to stand up and takes the bull by the reigns so to speak and take responsibility for there actions and there lives. People cannot blame others for there mistakes and there choices they make you need to take blame for your actions yourselves. There are SOOOOOO many people in the world that have it worse than you Heidi, not to diminish your problems by any means but we reap what we sow so to speak. You can have such a better life with so much less stress if you just took to heart Jehovah and his way of life. I wanted to help you in the past but you really need to help yourself at this point! I love little c and I want a good life for the both of you, this is my wish for you both! Hopefully you will find real peace one day.
Monday, July 9, 2007
So I call this one flat pancake
Oh my god can I pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase have a break!!!!!
You are never gonna believe this one. So here we go, back in December of 2000 I got breast implants, as I'm sure most of you can tell, anyways Saturday night I got in the shower and after I was done I was standing in front of the mirror naked blow- drying my hair when all of the sudden I looked and my chest to see that one of my implants had leaked and that my freaking boob all of the sudden looked like a flat pancake,,,,,,I'm sure you get me now k!!!!!!! haha
SO ya after only 6 1/2 years my freaking chest looks like I had to have a boob cut off. I have been doing nothing but crying for the last 2 days. I feel like the most pathetic person ever, I mean my god even my dad and step mom were saying Lauren it is not all about the physical appearance, my god did they just forget I just got out of freaking ed treatment? Of course it is physical only this time it is not just bad body image it is the real thing, I as well as everyone else can see it for what it is.
What the hell am I gonna do? I cannot even wear and of my clothes anymore! It is gonna cost me at least 5,000 and that is only if I go to las vegas to get it done. If I go anywhere around her I'm looking at 9,000, where the hell am I gonna get that kind of money? and with my credit no one is going to approve me for a loan. I 'm stuck. Everyone keeps telling me to ask my dad and here is the thing, I was actually even considering it until today when I talked to him and he said to me "So I hear you had a bad weekend,,,,,,,and I said yeah to say the least, and he said I like to call it a deflating situation......" and started to laugh, then he said is that not funny and I said not in the slightest.
God the nightmare never ends~!
My mom has been freaking amazing and so supportive and I know if she had the money she would give it to me in a heartbeat but that is just not possible!
I don't even know what to do with the stress and depression I'm feeling, I had another slip last night and I know it is from all of this but my god what am I supposed to do! I'm really starting to feel like treatment was a huge joke and that none of this matters. I told my mom that sometimes I just don't want to deal anymore! I feel like I am never given anytime to pull myself out of a rut before I'm in another one! God like I don't feel like shit about my body as it is right not having gained all this weight but now I have to do it with one boob! God I'm so sick of crying and feeling so low!
I just want to go home!!! I have 2 bras and 2 tank tops on today that is under my scrubs how lame
You are never gonna believe this one. So here we go, back in December of 2000 I got breast implants, as I'm sure most of you can tell, anyways Saturday night I got in the shower and after I was done I was standing in front of the mirror naked blow- drying my hair when all of the sudden I looked and my chest to see that one of my implants had leaked and that my freaking boob all of the sudden looked like a flat pancake,,,,,,I'm sure you get me now k!!!!!!! haha
SO ya after only 6 1/2 years my freaking chest looks like I had to have a boob cut off. I have been doing nothing but crying for the last 2 days. I feel like the most pathetic person ever, I mean my god even my dad and step mom were saying Lauren it is not all about the physical appearance, my god did they just forget I just got out of freaking ed treatment? Of course it is physical only this time it is not just bad body image it is the real thing, I as well as everyone else can see it for what it is.
What the hell am I gonna do? I cannot even wear and of my clothes anymore! It is gonna cost me at least 5,000 and that is only if I go to las vegas to get it done. If I go anywhere around her I'm looking at 9,000, where the hell am I gonna get that kind of money? and with my credit no one is going to approve me for a loan. I 'm stuck. Everyone keeps telling me to ask my dad and here is the thing, I was actually even considering it until today when I talked to him and he said to me "So I hear you had a bad weekend,,,,,,,and I said yeah to say the least, and he said I like to call it a deflating situation......" and started to laugh, then he said is that not funny and I said not in the slightest.
God the nightmare never ends~!
My mom has been freaking amazing and so supportive and I know if she had the money she would give it to me in a heartbeat but that is just not possible!
I don't even know what to do with the stress and depression I'm feeling, I had another slip last night and I know it is from all of this but my god what am I supposed to do! I'm really starting to feel like treatment was a huge joke and that none of this matters. I told my mom that sometimes I just don't want to deal anymore! I feel like I am never given anytime to pull myself out of a rut before I'm in another one! God like I don't feel like shit about my body as it is right not having gained all this weight but now I have to do it with one boob! God I'm so sick of crying and feeling so low!
I just want to go home!!! I have 2 bras and 2 tank tops on today that is under my scrubs how lame
Friday, July 6, 2007
Ok so the saying is 2 steps forward 1 step back RIGHT?
So bad night,,,, not as bad as I guess it has been in the past and not to sure what exactly happened but I purged! Why, I kept freaking asking myself? The answer is plain and simple, I have no freaking clue!
Right when I start talking about feeling good or "ok" with my recovery status I seem to jeopardize what I have accomplished. I get scared and confused and the feelings of complete panic begin to take over.
Prozac you are not doing your job dammit!
I have a card that I have been holding onto and taking everywhere with me, and it reads; "You're Being Helped, Heaven is working behind the scenes to help you, even if you don't see results yet."
I have been trying to hold onto those words, even though I have no kind of relationship with any sort of higher power I still am hoping that one of some sort is out there for me and I have to have faith in something right?
This a.m. I'm feeling ok, I had my breakfast which consist of flax seed granola and frozen blueberries and milk, and have kept it down along with 2 cups of coffee, but still in the back of my mind I feel the stress. One min at a time Lauren that is all you have to worry about.
Something I was thinking about on my way home from work last night was how I started acting towards the end of my treatment with the new girls who were coming in. Not that I am proud of my actions but I felt myself getting frustrated with them, and then I realized why...... I have been feeling angry that this eating disorder is not JUST MINE! This whole time even though I knew others were suffering I have felt like it was my secret my passion my ed and now I realize I'm just one of so many who suffer, and that makes me feel so not important or at least no where near what I thought I was when I was at my sickest!
I feel so guilty saying this but honestly I don't know what else to do with it! I want to purge my feeling with the strength that ae had. I want to feel that relief from something other than food. Im so in awwwwwwwwwww of you ae!!!! You brave amazing thing.
Well I actually have to work today but I will try to post before this beautiful weekend happens!!! happy friday to all of you
Right when I start talking about feeling good or "ok" with my recovery status I seem to jeopardize what I have accomplished. I get scared and confused and the feelings of complete panic begin to take over.
Prozac you are not doing your job dammit!
I have a card that I have been holding onto and taking everywhere with me, and it reads; "You're Being Helped, Heaven is working behind the scenes to help you, even if you don't see results yet."
I have been trying to hold onto those words, even though I have no kind of relationship with any sort of higher power I still am hoping that one of some sort is out there for me and I have to have faith in something right?
This a.m. I'm feeling ok, I had my breakfast which consist of flax seed granola and frozen blueberries and milk, and have kept it down along with 2 cups of coffee, but still in the back of my mind I feel the stress. One min at a time Lauren that is all you have to worry about.
Something I was thinking about on my way home from work last night was how I started acting towards the end of my treatment with the new girls who were coming in. Not that I am proud of my actions but I felt myself getting frustrated with them, and then I realized why...... I have been feeling angry that this eating disorder is not JUST MINE! This whole time even though I knew others were suffering I have felt like it was my secret my passion my ed and now I realize I'm just one of so many who suffer, and that makes me feel so not important or at least no where near what I thought I was when I was at my sickest!
I feel so guilty saying this but honestly I don't know what else to do with it! I want to purge my feeling with the strength that ae had. I want to feel that relief from something other than food. Im so in awwwwwwwwwww of you ae!!!! You brave amazing thing.
Well I actually have to work today but I will try to post before this beautiful weekend happens!!! happy friday to all of you
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Yum puffins~
Ok so not sure if any of you have this particular store by you Trader Joe's? Anyways they have the best freaking cereal called puffins, so yummy in fact I cannot stop munching, no binge just simple munch :)
SO I have the worst story ever to tell, Tuesday night my gf's and I went out because as you all know or should the 3rd is always an awesome bar night, anyways one of my gfs is in the midst of a divorce and her soon to be ex was actually out with us, they had decided to be friends or so we thought. Well after a late night of drinking we went home and so did they, at 8:30 Wed morning I got a text from my friend telling me that M her husband had beat the shit out of her and was in jail! Ok first thing first.....she is ok I spent yesterday evening with her and stayed the night I did not want her to be alone, next What Kind Of a MAN does that shit?????? ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME????? Who that is 6'1 probably 190 picks up the mother of there child who by the way is like 95 lbs (not ed just small) and throws her over and over and over and over against the wall, strangles her, drags her down the hall by her leg and tells her they are going to knock there f'ing nose off there f'ing face!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
When I got to her house I wanted to cry she was so bruised up and she could barely pull the door open, her little face looked so puffy like she was crying all day. What is wrong with people? I don't understand how some people can just snap like that, he was totally fine in fact I hung out with him almost the whole night! He was talking about how happy he was that they were going to be friends and then they get home and he gets no ass so he flips out!
My gf thankfully got away finally after he came at her closed fisted and luckily stopping 1/2 of an inch before touching her face! God I love that girl and I am so proud of her for going to the police and for having the strength to say enough is enough and I'm done. She has been so upset about having to be so honest with there 8 y/o daughter but she also knows that there daughter is fully aware of what is going on and she wants to make sure she knows this is NEVER ok!
What a woman!!!!
So I know this seems so minor after reading that but I have been a bit stressed out after I made a stupid move last night by getting on the scale. It actually was 5 lbs less than I thought it was going to be which was nice to see, but now I know and now Im gonna go into tunnel vision if I don't get to a meeting asap!!!! Good thing there is one on Saturday!!!! I NEED IT!!
I have not gotten a call from my therapist since I left and Im totally bummed, I miss her and I want to talk, I need to talk, I have to talk, god that seems like all I do lately!
I'm at work right now and I'm totally bored and tired and irritated I miss talking about my feelings!!!!!! Irritated is always a safe one! Well my friends, till later I want to smoke!!! ERRRRRRR Now Im gonna have to find a way to quit that! Will it ever end?
SO I have the worst story ever to tell, Tuesday night my gf's and I went out because as you all know or should the 3rd is always an awesome bar night, anyways one of my gfs is in the midst of a divorce and her soon to be ex was actually out with us, they had decided to be friends or so we thought. Well after a late night of drinking we went home and so did they, at 8:30 Wed morning I got a text from my friend telling me that M her husband had beat the shit out of her and was in jail! Ok first thing first.....she is ok I spent yesterday evening with her and stayed the night I did not want her to be alone, next What Kind Of a MAN does that shit?????? ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME????? Who that is 6'1 probably 190 picks up the mother of there child who by the way is like 95 lbs (not ed just small) and throws her over and over and over and over against the wall, strangles her, drags her down the hall by her leg and tells her they are going to knock there f'ing nose off there f'ing face!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
When I got to her house I wanted to cry she was so bruised up and she could barely pull the door open, her little face looked so puffy like she was crying all day. What is wrong with people? I don't understand how some people can just snap like that, he was totally fine in fact I hung out with him almost the whole night! He was talking about how happy he was that they were going to be friends and then they get home and he gets no ass so he flips out!
My gf thankfully got away finally after he came at her closed fisted and luckily stopping 1/2 of an inch before touching her face! God I love that girl and I am so proud of her for going to the police and for having the strength to say enough is enough and I'm done. She has been so upset about having to be so honest with there 8 y/o daughter but she also knows that there daughter is fully aware of what is going on and she wants to make sure she knows this is NEVER ok!
What a woman!!!!
So I know this seems so minor after reading that but I have been a bit stressed out after I made a stupid move last night by getting on the scale. It actually was 5 lbs less than I thought it was going to be which was nice to see, but now I know and now Im gonna go into tunnel vision if I don't get to a meeting asap!!!! Good thing there is one on Saturday!!!! I NEED IT!!
I have not gotten a call from my therapist since I left and Im totally bummed, I miss her and I want to talk, I need to talk, I have to talk, god that seems like all I do lately!
I'm at work right now and I'm totally bored and tired and irritated I miss talking about my feelings!!!!!! Irritated is always a safe one! Well my friends, till later I want to smoke!!! ERRRRRRR Now Im gonna have to find a way to quit that! Will it ever end?
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACK
Oh my god are you kidding me, has it really been 10 weeks????? What the heck.
Hi everyone, I cannot begin to tell or explain to all of you how much you were missed.
Today is my second day back to work and all seems ok, kindof hard getting back into the swing of things but my god what a somewhat clear and fed head will do for ya.
So I graduated whatever that means................ No really I am so happy to be done but at the same time I'm scared shit less. I have had individual three times a week along with my dietitian and groups all day and now I have nothing set up, the VA is taking there sweet ass time getting me in with someone and I have an ANAD group that I go to 2x a month!
I feel really strong right now which I guess is good but I get scared that it is a temp high.
I did really well in treatment I went 38 days without and slips and then I fell apart for a while however thankfully I pulled myself up and now I really have no idea how long it has been, I think 2 weeks.
It is really weird what IP has done for me this time around, I have realized that this ED is so much more that I thought it was. It has truly become a passion and the way I deal with everyday life and that is what is hard to get over. I have figured out that really I avoid everything and everyone in my life. SO much shit came up for me that I cannot even begin to talk about (maybe someday) but for now it sits with me and I try to face and confront everything on a daily basis or shit even one minute at a time! Once again whatever works.
I have realized that every time I have slipped into my ed it feels like all the pressures have lifted and something I said all through treatment was that I suddenly felt like I could breathe....only way I could describe it, which was so odd for me because there have been so many times in my life where I have used that expression only because it seemed to fit a situation but now it all seems to make sense!!
I love feeling good, well healthy, now if I could just get rid of this damn body image, its the true bitch of it all. I gained 22 lbs in 9 weeks, is that even possible haha. I have honestly not had so many people in my life tell me that I was beautiful EVER!!!! Sometimes I actually think they mean it!
Little C is doing amazing, he is completely potty trained, off the bottle, and no more blanket!!! WTF??? He is a completely new man. I took him back to daycare today for the first time and no tears, it was awesome, he is so amazing and our relationship is so much better now!! God how did I ever lose all that precious time with him. Thank all of you so much for encouraging me to do this.
I struggle everyday trust me all is not fine and dandy but truth be told it is so much better!!! I missed my life and eating a freaking meal and actually tasting it, I struggle with the guilt but have found way for the most part to work through it or I make phone calls to the other girls I met and they are such awesome people they talk me right through it! I do have to admit I have missed all of your words more though.
kisses hugs and all the strength in the world to all of you!!!! I'm so happy to be back!!!
Hi everyone, I cannot begin to tell or explain to all of you how much you were missed.
Today is my second day back to work and all seems ok, kindof hard getting back into the swing of things but my god what a somewhat clear and fed head will do for ya.
So I graduated whatever that means................ No really I am so happy to be done but at the same time I'm scared shit less. I have had individual three times a week along with my dietitian and groups all day and now I have nothing set up, the VA is taking there sweet ass time getting me in with someone and I have an ANAD group that I go to 2x a month!
I feel really strong right now which I guess is good but I get scared that it is a temp high.
I did really well in treatment I went 38 days without and slips and then I fell apart for a while however thankfully I pulled myself up and now I really have no idea how long it has been, I think 2 weeks.
It is really weird what IP has done for me this time around, I have realized that this ED is so much more that I thought it was. It has truly become a passion and the way I deal with everyday life and that is what is hard to get over. I have figured out that really I avoid everything and everyone in my life. SO much shit came up for me that I cannot even begin to talk about (maybe someday) but for now it sits with me and I try to face and confront everything on a daily basis or shit even one minute at a time! Once again whatever works.
I have realized that every time I have slipped into my ed it feels like all the pressures have lifted and something I said all through treatment was that I suddenly felt like I could breathe....only way I could describe it, which was so odd for me because there have been so many times in my life where I have used that expression only because it seemed to fit a situation but now it all seems to make sense!!
I love feeling good, well healthy, now if I could just get rid of this damn body image, its the true bitch of it all. I gained 22 lbs in 9 weeks, is that even possible haha. I have honestly not had so many people in my life tell me that I was beautiful EVER!!!! Sometimes I actually think they mean it!
Little C is doing amazing, he is completely potty trained, off the bottle, and no more blanket!!! WTF??? He is a completely new man. I took him back to daycare today for the first time and no tears, it was awesome, he is so amazing and our relationship is so much better now!! God how did I ever lose all that precious time with him. Thank all of you so much for encouraging me to do this.
I struggle everyday trust me all is not fine and dandy but truth be told it is so much better!!! I missed my life and eating a freaking meal and actually tasting it, I struggle with the guilt but have found way for the most part to work through it or I make phone calls to the other girls I met and they are such awesome people they talk me right through it! I do have to admit I have missed all of your words more though.
kisses hugs and all the strength in the world to all of you!!!! I'm so happy to be back!!!
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