I never thought a cell phone was so important until.....

I left it at my dads over the whole weekend!!!!
I was losing my mind. I hate people not being able to reach me nor me them!!! I missed out on chatting with Carla and DG and my sweet new friend Julia!!! I will be calling I promise!
This weekend was the first time in a few months that I actually laughed and meant it!
I went and finally saw Sex and the City (i know i know im late but oh well) with my mom, it was such a good thing for us to do since we have been so distant lately! I saw N on Friday and for the first time I saw Bob Sagat do stand up and honestly he is so effing dirty but god sooooooooooooooooooooo funny! I just wish I would have been wanting to be with N. The night ended not so great we started talking and he started crying and I left, no tears no sadness just guilt for not feeling anything!!! WTF is wrong with me?
Then after the movie on Sat my roomie went out, it was by far one of the funnest nights I have had with her in years,,, we left our comfortable town and headed out, so worth it! I get so sick of seeing all the same people who do nothing but talk shit and act like your friend to your face!
New people that is so the way to go...
I also went to another ANAD meeting and had the most powerful experience... to long to type but holy shit it made me feel so not alone in all of this shit.......Breathe that was what I did this weekend.... Yesterday I spent the day with little C and my roomies twins at the pool all day, (she was so hung over I laughed the whole time) it was so nice out, finally a blue sky after 2 weeks of smoke from all the fires!
Work still suck and so does eating! But hey thats life I guess!!!!!!

Heidi think with your head please

Well so much for not knowing my name,,,well to those of you that do not already!!!!
It has been a busy and down right crazy week.
So much has been going on... I have another ANAD meeting on Sat thank god,,, I swear it is the only place I can vent anymore!! I went to one last night also!!!
Little C is doing great but N and I not so much!
I am pulling back like I do with all men well minus M the one I wanted and ugh f him heehee~~
Anyways he is so sad and being so patient but what I have figured out this week is that I have really BIG I mean HUGH commitment issues!!!! I am terrified of it... again it its not with M I just don't want it!!
N keeps telling me I am breaking his heart and it makes me feel heartless cuz I have NO feelings about it!!! This is what happens when my ED takes over,,,, I want nothing but what I want!!!! I did a very bad thing.....VERY BAD!!!!! Yes I saw M! Ugh wtf is wrong with me!!!!!!!! I know that until I am willing to face the fact that I really did love him than I will always deal with this!!!!!
OK enough I am a royal mess and all I can do is laugh!!!! I want to blow kisses to my sweet sweet friend!!! Sweet dreams!!!!!!!!!
Love you all so much you all make it so much easier to simply try to live and deal!!!! muah!

Not to much to say but wanting you to all know I love you and thank you for your support!!!! I'm still here and still trying to breathe!

Simply put

Seriously, I hate coming here to post sometimes because I never have anything good to say..................
I HATE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was told yesterday that I was only allowed to work 32 hours a week from now on!
WTF when I was hired at that in Aug of 06 I was told that by Nov 06 I would be full time,,,,,here we are two years later and my boss has been letting me do the 40 but yesterday her boss (FUCKING CUNT)excuse my mouth but I was in the military for 6 years!!!~ called and said that's enough
I was on the phone with our HR Dept yesterday for 2 hours pitching a fucking fit!
That is me losing 16 hours on every pay check...........
How in the fuck am I going to support my child and pay my fucking rent?
I want to seriously be done here. I cannot deal anymore!~
Other than C and a few people I know (of course all of you)
I want to just be done.
I don't want to fucking live with this anxiety and panic and bulimia anymore! I have said it a thousand times but C deserves so much better than me!
I honestly laid in bed till 3 in the morning pulling my hair out and trying not to let little c hear me cry because I do not know what I'm going to do!
Once again this is when I hate C's father................FUCKING PRICK!
I want to simply put die.

I hate my head!

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a glass house!!!! Like everyone and there mother knows what is going on with me, and is watching me waiting and hoping for me to fuck up yet again.
I admit I have not been the greatest with my ed stuff in the past and it is so weird how when is shows its ugly head if effects your head.
Like this post I have no effing idea what I am talking about!
I'm lost and I'm fucking sick of being judged and having others talk about me when they think I can't hear!
I feel like a SHIT mom right now! I have energy to do shit.
I ......................
never mind I'm not worth listening to right now I'm to angry or frustrated or sad or who the hell knows!!!!!

Ugh sick of that picture!!!!

Not a long post today guys, really been doing no good at all last few weeks and avoiding everything!
I try when I have the time and energy to check in with everyone but I'm so sorry it has been so up and down!!!
Really bad day today, lost and lots o body issues, lots on that effing scale again, a few tears, not many and lots of pointless work.
C is wonderful, N is great, too bad none of them know the truth....ACTUALLY thank god!
I'm sorry I had to cut so fast the other day dg and carla,, work has been insane!! I love you both so mucha!!!! and everyone else too you are all so important to me!