Feeling much to alone in this world of Blogs

Having a hard day today, but really what is so interesting about that? I swear no matter how hard I try I seem to never feel excepted....... I hate being so worried about what other people think, but I guess I will always be that way. Being brought up being told "You will care about what other think about you Lauren, there opinions are the one's that matters"! "There" being Jehovah's Witnesses. I guess by that comment you can tell how I was raised. Needless to say I left at 16 to pursue the life of a "WORLDLY" person. hahaha not so sure leaving was the best thing considering where I feel like I'm at today. A single mom!!!! It is the most difficult thing in the world to look at my son and know what a freaking looser his father is and to know that one day my little man C will ask me where his daddy is and why he is not around. What do you tell a child? Help please!
I have never been able to understand how someone can completely drop off the face of the earth and not want to be a father! Who in there right mind would not want to know what it feels like to be told by your child something you made that they love you?
SO on to other things such as I feel like a FAT ASS today.....I went up a pound which makes me crazy, I think I have already been on the scale here at work 8 times today.....up and down up and down up and down.
I need a break from this craziness.
To be honest with you I am not to sure how long lived this whole blogging thing is going to be for me, I am feeling so much anxiety about the fact that people can read what I have written, is that weird? Also I did not think I was possible but I actually feel very alone, I have no idea how to get to know others and for some reason no one (well one person) responds to what I write to them. Oh well maybe I'm just not very interesting. Get over it Lauren.
Sushi tonight with my gf's for one of there birthday's and I'm feeling so much anxiety about that. I know the first place I will run to is the bathroom and that is the last place I want to go but I just can't stop!! Went out with my mom last night to hear some jazz and ate a bit there but went straight to the bathroom as soon as the song was over. I hate lying to my mom about all of this. She has been through this with me to many times to make her go through it again. She is my best friend in the world and the though of hurting her makes me sick........no pun intended!
Well I guess I should get back to work, the patients are all looking at me wondering why I have not started them yet..UGH!!! Wish me luck tonight!!