Simply sharing today!

Feeling really bla today, actually other than being 100% completely unhappy with my body I feel not much of anything at all!!!!
Its kinda nice actually. Things have been really busy with work this week, I'm so grateful for it being Friday, because I don't think I could have handled another day of it.
I think I'm cutting off, not exactly sure from what but I feel like it is pretty much towards everything and anything that comes my way. Sushi boy left yesterday morning back to Hawaii, not sure how I feel about it, basically like everything else BLA BLA BLA!
M and I have chatted a few times, but finally I do not feel that needy thing for him which feels nice!
Who knows I just hope it is not my ED that I am turning to so that I'm not having to face all my other stuff.
I have a wedding to go to the day after my 30th Birthday which I am totally freaking out about because of my body and weight and the fact that I have already bought 2 dresses and have no interest in wearing either one of them!
The person who is getting married is one of my dearest friends from high school and it is totally going to be a reunion at this wedding and it scares me to death to think of being the fattest one there or being judged for not being 100% anorexic. I think I have gotten myself into a bit of a hole with wanting to lose some of this extra weight before I go. I keep telling myself it is ok to do because I can get back on track right after it's over but I think we all know that is not the truth.
I have been really fighting my b/p'ing and all I feel about it is that it is a losing battle never ever to be won!
Can that really be the case?
God I hope not!
After getting on the scale this week I have been totally freaked out at how FAT not PHAT but FAT FAT FAT that I have gotten. It is disgusting, nasty, and I almost not I take almost back I hate looking at myself in the mirror!
I have been out of treatment for only 2 1/2 months and I still can not figure out my comfort zone with myself, does it even exist or is it to far gone for far to long that I will never find it?
Yesterday I was feeling so much sadness AGAIN about my sons father and have even been lame enough to call and sit on the phone while he says hello 10 times and not say anything until he hangs up. It is so weird because he physically makes me want to vomit and I have no feeling towards him what so ever but I just hate what kind of a father he has become and I want to just start yelling and going off on him but like I tell my roomie and Best friend S I do not even know where in the hell to begin or how to start the conversation, S tells me to say "Well how in the hell are you?....Great now let me tell you how in the hell your SON and I am" that just does not feel right what I want to say I cannot even type because none of you would ever read my blog again! Lets just say I have a sailor mouth beyond what any of you would ever expect!
My feelings today are so weird, I am really feeling lonely but in some sick way I'm almost ok with it and almost liking it! I talked to my mom earlier and I told her I would bring little C and I over for the night and she said she was going to get a pizza and I felt my heart just drop because I went straight to where can I purge after I eat. THe fucked up part about all of it is that if I smell it I HAVE to eat it, I cannot just pull the anorexic card out and not do it, I try all the time but I feel so much more relieved I guess if I can just DO IT and purge!

Grow up HEIDI Fucking GROW UP ALREADY!

Moving on,,,,,,,, all of you out there I wanted to share with you a blog that I found somewhat randomly, It is a guy named Robert and to tell you the truth he has been nothing but a total and complete inspiration to me. I have learned SO MUCH from the information he has posted, Robert is a gay man who is HIV positive, and honestly has such an amazing attitude and will for life. His blog is so informative and he shares amazing things that are going on in his life as well. He is all about sharing as much information as possible to inform people about HIV and to share with them that just because you may have it, it does not mean by any means that your life is over. I have had such a fear for HIV and AIDS my whole life and have always wanted to learn as much as I could, I shared with Robert on a post that he left about Ryan White,how much that boy meant to me, may seem or sound odd to some of you because I never knew him but I can still to this day remember the first time I ever heard his name. I was 6 years old and was so saddened by what I heard. Anyways I would encourage all of you to just take some time to check out his blog, because I know that it would touch you the way it has touched me thank you Robert!!!!

http://soccerrob.blogspot.com/

Well its Friday and I am wishing all of you an amazing weekend and want to send a special Congrats and beautiful wishes to Lulu on her wedding and being able to share her future with this wonderful partner in her life. I also hope pav ae and roark have a wonderful weekend sharing lulu's special day with her!!
Love all of you!!!