CLEAN HAPPY MIRACLE

My weekend was crazy............................
Friday night my sister (the sweet one) came over and we had such a great night, I b/p a few times, because we did not stop drinking and eating so things felt really out of control in all of that.
Sat we went to breakfast, and I did fab.....ate tons and tons and went shopping so that I knew I would be ok, it was hard shopping after eating like that but I did really ok with it all. Later in the day Little C and I met up with my mom to watch all of the boats come into the Benicia Yaught Club, they were coming from the Jazz Cup~ it was so beautiful to see them all. After we went to dinner which I did really well with also, I needed it I think, well until I saw my body that night and realized that was SOOOOOOO not the case.
Sunday my stepmom called and asked if she could take Little C for the night so I dropped him off and went out with my mom to go listen to some live Jazz that was going on in our town.....Started to drink some wine and then got a phone call from M. God I HATE MEN>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO wonder why Im single. I found out from him that he had gone to Houston to go visit his friends and ex that I am now finding out he may just not be over. I actually found this all out on Friday and when we talked he kept saying that it was not just physical with me and that he wanted more bla bla bla and he called me several times through out the night so I knew he was alone, whatever Im not your mother do what you gotta do I kept telling him. I know it had only been a few weeks for us but my heart fell fast it has been 5 years since I allowed myself to get close to anyone. SO long story short I told him I will not be anyones 2nd choice let alone there 3rd considering there is still a wife factor till the divorce is final! It hurt so badly to say that and not to give into the feeling of just wanting to see him. Well after we talked on Sunday I decided I needed a shot to numb the pain so I left my mom and went to the bar ALONE,,,,,,until the music was over and my mom came and sat with me while I cried like the biggest baby ever. We finally left that bar and went to go eat and I decided that since my favorite bar is like a block away from my moms house I would go drown my sorrows there. SO I DID! After being there for about an hour I got another phone call from M saying he had landed back in town so stupid drunk me told him to come by the bar. Now this is stupid for 2 reasons....1 being our town is way to small and it takes us seeing 1 person for the word to get out and the other being I was not sticking to my plan. Anyways he came and we played a game of pool and talked and he left. IT SUCKED! He tried to get me to come over that night but even with being totally smashed I denied! I told him that night before I went to bed that I did not want him to call me unless he decided that I was something he wanted to pursue, and guess what I have yet to hear from him! God why did I even open my heart??????? Thats it "Heart Closed Forever"!
Before my mom dropped me off and looked at me and told me "Heidi Clean Happy Miracle" Its out there and we WILL have it! My mom was so wonderful with me even though she knows the whole situation, she knows I cannot help who I fall for!
I want to call him so badly but not in a million years will I allow myself to fall to the pathetic side and give in. Fuck him if he cannot see how worth it I am then he does not deserve me.........................RIGHT???????
God this post is all over the place.
Sorry.
SO here is the hardest part of my entire weekend.
We out with a friend of mine to the lake this weekend, and never in my life have I been so uncomfortable with my body NEVER I am so much bigger that I have ever been I wanted so badly for have a great time but the entire time I was focused on how my body looked and how much it giggled every time the damn boat moved. I was disgusted.
And to even make matters worse we tied up with a bunch of other boats where there were all of these tiny little stick figures all over the place, not to mention the 2 80lb ers we had on our boat, no shit either 82 lbs at the most! I wanted to be sick again so badly.
I know that is not really an option but god I just dont want to do this anymore, I am so fucking judgemental with myself and my heart cannot deal with this!
Ok well I need to be done but I miss you all and hope you had fab weekends!!!!!!