Just one good thought

God will this rain ever stop? Sitting here looking out the window at this gray depressing day makes me think about how sweet it would be to be in Tahoe, in a log cabin curled up next to a fireplace with a glass of cab. Sometime a nice thought such as that is all I need to smile!

Life without Gray's "No Way"

Today has been interesting, I woke up feeling a bit refreshed which was so nice for a change.
My little man slept like crap too and had me up quite a bit. Not sure if this whole moving thing is making him sleep bad or if he is just going threw a change! Whatever it is I hope he starts feeling better, it hurts me to see him sad and unhappy.
I watched Grays from last week finally last night and cried like a big lame baby threw the whole thing. I swear I am totally addicted to that damn show.....working in the medical field I never have been able to watch the medical shows unless it was like Trauma life in the ER or some reality one, but for some reason since day one I have been hooked. Its the drama part of it I think, like I don't have enough of that in my life right now as it is.
Talked to my ex from like 7 years ago last night. We actually talk quite often, however mainly when he is alone. He is in a relationship,,,,I think,,,, we don't much talk about her because they have a child together and it ended up being one of those situations where she stopped the pill and never told him. BITCH! She knows how to pick a good man that's for sure. So long story short he moved them into his house so that he could eventually be granted more custody. He is an amazing father. I miss him! We saw each other in Vegas last year for the first time in 6 years, it was like no time had passed at all. We have this bond the neither one of us can quite explain and I think he may be a big reason why I cannot commit to anyone else. Big problem happens to be he lives in Nebraska and neither one of us are will to make the move! I guess actions say it all pretty loudly.
I'm at work all alone today, both of my nurses called in so that leaves little ole me to hold down the fort! It's quite and not a good space for me to be in considering I have already managed to b/p 2x today and its not even 11:30... Im just hoping I can manage to make it through the rest of the day without anymore. Problem is I love the after effect more that any feeling I have ever felt... And when that feeling feels better than even sex there is for sure a big freaking problem.
Having huge issues with my thighs and tummy again today, I feel like there are times when I cannot even see my feet, so lame I know but push your stomach out just far enough and it happens,,,,ok maybe not but feels like it! I want to be better so badly. I think.
I'm tired of doing my makeup and making myself look nice to just go and mess it all up by purging and having my eyes drain with tears!
I feel like I look like crap lately, my eyes have these unbelievably huge dark circles under them and my skin feel so dried out. I look like I'm 80.
I'm taking tomorrow off of work so that I can get some more moving and unpacking and shopping done, need to get a new comforter for my bed, a girl always needs new bedding when she moves. So most likely will not be posting tomorrow but who really cares.

No matter what

I keep thinking that this will be the last time, no this will be, no tomorrow will be.....but it never seems to end just a disgusting cycle of b/p. Today at lunch I swore to myself I would stay at work and eat my healthy little snack which I did but as soon as it was over where was I but out the door in my car and at the first fast food dump I could find...Ate till I could not breathe and purged for what seemed to be forever! Then I made my way to the scale which made me even more crazy because I gained again!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate this life. Anyways I just had to get it out or I thought I was going to lose it.....
I want to be thin I have to be thin I need to be thin I will be thin...no matter what

I ache all over!!!!

This weekend was CRAZY..... Moving is the most stressful and painful thing in the world to do. Sat my dad and brother helped me move all of my furniture out of storage which was so difficult to watch considering my father broke 3 ribs 3 weeks ago but he thinks he has super power..god I love him. My brother however had to go on and on about how I was such a terrible mom because he says I do not punish my son and that I let him walk all over me. Shit he is 2 years old, what am I supposed to do beat him? Hell no. Physical punishment in no where in the way I choose to raise my son, no matter how bad he is. I just think the are more effective way of child rearing. It is pretty funny though that my younger brother who has no children is giving me advice on bringing up baby!
Friday was terrible....................I b/p way to many times,,,Lunch, Dinner, and late night!!!! UGH I
wish I could stop, and just be skinny naturally like all of those naturally beautiful tall thin girls..I hate them! not really just jealous.
I got on the scale this am and was up 2 lbs. how does that happen? I know it is just water weight but still it is making me crazy! I am so tired of planning my day around what I am going to not keep down and what I will, which is always way to little! I forget what it is like to have a normal meal, be full, and just enjoy that feeling...
Went to the bar on Friday with my gf's as well and had a great time,,,to may drinks though, well not really but 3 drinks and I'm wasted. I met a guy well not really I have seen him there several times and talked to him a few, gave him my number but not to sure why because now I'm not even interested, alcohol is not my friend sometimes.... F the amazing overwhelming guy has still been calling and now is tell me he has this video and book het got for me called "The Secret" said it is amazing and has completely changed him. HMMMMMM interesting.
I am tired of being the man in a relationship, why cant I just be the sensitive one for just once? I would love to be the one who is in love! Maybe is I could get over my "WHATIF" then that could happen. Shit is has been 7 years, forget forget forget Lauren!
On Friday my gf asked me what was going on and she told me my legs looked like twigs! How do you take that? I loved hearing that they looked thin but at the same time it sounded like something disgusting when it came out of her mouth! I told her nothing but that I was getting over strep and maybe I had lost a lb or two while I was sick! What a lier, having strep did not even stop the purging.. Painful!
Yesterday I wanted to pull out my hair, shopping for toddler beds with a toddler is so hard....he was all over the place and really I only have 2 hands sometime I hate his father so much for being such a pathetic piece of crap..... and that's being sooooooooooooooo nice! I have not even heard from him since last June, and he was for sure out of it then. Got an email from his mom who lives in WI which was pretty sweet, she does not even hear from her son. She came to visit my little man in November for the first time, it was awesome. I wish I was able to provide a better relationship for the two of them but it is just not possible right now, WI is to damn far! and cold!!!
Well like always time to get some work started, god knows I to far away from finishing it.

Feeling much to alone in this world of Blogs

Having a hard day today, but really what is so interesting about that? I swear no matter how hard I try I seem to never feel excepted....... I hate being so worried about what other people think, but I guess I will always be that way. Being brought up being told "You will care about what other think about you Lauren, there opinions are the one's that matters"! "There" being Jehovah's Witnesses. I guess by that comment you can tell how I was raised. Needless to say I left at 16 to pursue the life of a "WORLDLY" person. hahaha not so sure leaving was the best thing considering where I feel like I'm at today. A single mom!!!! It is the most difficult thing in the world to look at my son and know what a freaking looser his father is and to know that one day my little man C will ask me where his daddy is and why he is not around. What do you tell a child? Help please!
I have never been able to understand how someone can completely drop off the face of the earth and not want to be a father! Who in there right mind would not want to know what it feels like to be told by your child something you made that they love you?
SO on to other things such as I feel like a FAT ASS today.....I went up a pound which makes me crazy, I think I have already been on the scale here at work 8 times today.....up and down up and down up and down.
I need a break from this craziness.
To be honest with you I am not to sure how long lived this whole blogging thing is going to be for me, I am feeling so much anxiety about the fact that people can read what I have written, is that weird? Also I did not think I was possible but I actually feel very alone, I have no idea how to get to know others and for some reason no one (well one person) responds to what I write to them. Oh well maybe I'm just not very interesting. Get over it Lauren.
Sushi tonight with my gf's for one of there birthday's and I'm feeling so much anxiety about that. I know the first place I will run to is the bathroom and that is the last place I want to go but I just can't stop!! Went out with my mom last night to hear some jazz and ate a bit there but went straight to the bathroom as soon as the song was over. I hate lying to my mom about all of this. She has been through this with me to many times to make her go through it again. She is my best friend in the world and the though of hurting her makes me sick........no pun intended!
Well I guess I should get back to work, the patients are all looking at me wondering why I have not started them yet..UGH!!! Wish me luck tonight!!

Cola Gummi Candy

If I eat one more I swear I'm gonna turn into one! One of my weird eating disorder issues. I eat cola gummi bottles and red licorice. Lived on it for a really long time in fact. Not sure why I have always been ok with eating those considering the sugar in them is off the charts. My jaw and mouth are actually beginning to hurt from chewing so hard.
Last night was the night of all nights.........I hate taxes I hate the IRS and I hate all the assholes who decide to have a career working for the 800 number that you call. Its just like the damn people at the DMV, never happy never nice never make any kind of an effort to be remotely understanding. SO long story short I have been in the process of moving and along with moving comes big financial STUFF. I filed my taxes a few weeks ago and was expecting my return to be in yesterday however to my surprise it wasn't. I called the IRS to find out what the holdup was and they told me that they were holding my return because I had not filed my 2003 W2 and as soon as I did that I would get my return the guy was so mean though and talked to me the whole time like I was a complete looser! I had to be nice and kiss his ass because I knew that if I was not he would totally blow me off and not fax me my paperwork but kissing ass prevailed and within 2 hours I got my W2. SO ended up going to the tax place last night to file my 03 and surprise surprise I owe! Now due to my penalties I may not get my large return I was planning on. God when it rains it pours. I quit smoking 3 years ago in Jan and have not even had a drag since, but last night I would have paid any amount of money for just 1. I decided that since my mom was watching my son I would just stay there since I was so upset. My mom calmed me down gave me an ambein and made me a sandwich which usually when I'm on ambein I can eat anything and everything but lately all I do is b/p. In the state I was in last night you can only imagine how many times that happened.
I'm feeling so terrible today.....I feel like I will break out in tears at the drop of my pen. Getting dressed this morning was a bit crazy since I I was running late however I managed to get a good look at my thighs which made me so sick. I know it is wrong and never right to use numbers and I'm sorry for that my my weight has hit as of this am 98.1. I'm only 5'2" so I know I not huge in theory but when I look at myself all I see is the fat and if I have to tuck in my back fat into my jeans one more time I'm just going to cut it off, not really but wouldn't that be easy!
Ok enough bitching for today! I spent a few hours with my little man last night which was really good and the highlight for sure of my day! Later on in the evening he saw me crying and looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and said momma with the biggest smile ever... How lucky am I?

The new journey I guess

So not to sure how exactly to start this whole blog thing off but I gonna do the best I can. Ok after saying that, I am completely at a loss for words.
I'm a 30 year old single mother who is basically a complete mess. I have been suffering with Bulimia and Anorexia for the last 12 years. I guess I was a late bloomer when it came to my Ed but when it came..... it came with the vengeance. I was always having issues with my weight although what teenage girl doesn't? I have been in and out of treatment centers and every time I come out a new woman.....Or so I think! It seems to be only a matter of time before I am up to my same old tricks though.
My son is 2 1/2 years old and truly the joy in my life. He makes me laugh, cry and leaves me completely breathless on a daily basis, although at times I want to pull all of my hair out too.
Alot of the time I feel nothing but guilty when I look at him because the last thing I want to do is affect my soon in a negative way and all I seem to be doing is setting him up for a life with a mom who has no control over anything except her ed and that is even in question.

I was on the straight and narrow for a really long time, well as straight and narrow at I could possibly be, that is up until about 15 months ago, where I started restricting again that right along with a few other things. However in the last month or so I feel like I have completely lost control of everything. I am eating so little and when I do actually decided to eat a meal It takes EVERYTHING I am to not purge which usually happens. I have been reading blogs for about the last 6 months or so ranging from Jeremy to frida to palmtreechick to several others and they have all left such a deep mark on me, all in such different ways. I read about all of you who are in complete recovery and working so hard to keep yourself there and some of you that have completely given up to those of you that are in the same boat as I struggling each and everyday to do the right thing and make the right decision but what is the right decision? I really don't know anymore.
I do know for certain that when I was in treatment journaling got me through alot of the hard times so maybe this blog is a step in the right direction. Who knows..
Recently ok I'm lying but in the last year or so I stepped back into the dating world which when I look at it now may not have been the smartest decision to make. I just started dating someone ok F about 1 1/2 months ago and for some odd reason I only get the men who fall in love way to damn quickly... meaning I heard I love you after 2 weeks.... as well as talk of marriage!!! WTF don't men know how to date anymore! Nothing like scaring a woman off. Ok to be fair he is one of the sweetest men I have ever met!! I guess no man has a shot when it come to my relationship phobias. I run.....
Well I know this is all over the place but for the most part it was just important for me to start so there I did!!!