Sweet Little C..... He Lights Up My Life!

Making cookies with auntie titi

new haircut..... I could not take it anymore!!! haha

Good, Bad or WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!

So I just got off the scale and for the first time in over a year I remembered what it felt like to lose weight....
I am 3 lbs below my goal weight,,,, I know it will probably be back up tomorrow and I really could give a shit less but for today it feels great.
I'm sorry if this is triggering for anyone but for me it is what I need to vent on.
It scares me to have lost and excites me in a way that only I think us who are struggling from and ed can understand.
I want to do a cartwheel like I did when I was younger every time I got excited about something..
I think the most weird part is that when I am at a less weight I actually feel like that number is going to be so high and that I will freak when I see it. But even if only for today I am a bit smaller I am at peace,,, I know its a sick way to be at peace but for today I simply just don't give a poop.
I need peace in my life.
I deserve some right?

Wow can this be anymore boring?? I mean seriously!

Sleepy girl snap out of it!
That is the best I have today..
So much has been going on in my life it has been unreal! Some good some bad but the best part is that I'm going back to school next month and so cannot wait,,, also starting a 2 hour yoga 2x a week and 1.5 hour step class 2 timws a week and that is really exciting to because my lazy butt needs to get back into shape.
My mom is really worried about me working out that much but she knows I'm gonna do what I wanna do.... that's that!
Not sure if I posted about this or not but my mom was Really sick a few weeks ago and thank god is doing much better, but she has had some of her own eating issues come back up for her and finally talked to me about them the other day, she was scared to because she thought she would be a trigger,,, I told her never, and that it made me feel better to have her talk to me because sometimes it just makes me feel not so alone in this shity world of ed... My mom was ana for a very long time and has been in recovery for a long time as well but still has issues from time to time. don't we all!
Anyways today is also 10 months since my nana passed and I honestly cannot believe it, it makes me so sad and scared because I am starting to forget what her voice sounded like and I HATE THAT!!! I don't want to forget, shit she was in my life for 29 years how can I forget so soon?
Today is such a shity day at work, I am here alone and have no patients, all I want to do is sleep and dream a few more of the amazing dreams that I have been having lately.. uuuuuhhh those put me at ease!
I have not gotten on the scale since Friday and honestly after what it said then I don't ever want to get on it again. I gained 2 lbs in like a day, I hate when the scale runs my life so this time I'm trying to not let it!
Little C is doing great, I miss him when he is with my dad but I know it is good for me to have some alone time too and it works out with my daycare schedule also.... Especially since I am going back to school!
Stuff is ok with my roomie we are both trying to quit smoking but that is so effing hard,, in due time I guess! I'm really ready to move out because I have paid my time that I promised and I cant stand life with the twins anymore,,, if it was just one that would be fine but shit with there being 2 and one is a total nightmare sometime I want to pull out my hair,,, I have never seen a child act the way he does,, and all the yelling and spankings he gets I'm sure does not help matters..
I have not started seeing my therapist yet still waiting on info from my insurance, but my ex N told me he wanted to pay for it,,, we all know I would never take that from anyone especially him,, he is to sweet... Ugh why can't I love him the way he deserves....
So I agreed to do this thing with my gf on Friday night, working for her company for some show but not so excited about it now that I know I have to dress up as a German Beer Maiden,,, WTF is that about? Ugh even had to give my measurements today which was not a fun job getting,,,, I never measure myself but thinking I just may start that,, easier than getting on the scale that's for sure!

Ok enough about me for today!

pause

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
So yawning huge right now,,,, I have zero energy today..
May have a bit to do with the lack of sleep these past few weeks but I will catch up tonight I'm sure.
I don't know why I have not been in blog mode at all lately but maybe for me writing has taken its last few breaths,, then again maybe not, will see what happens!

My peaceful little C!!!! Thats the true love of my life!

What an amazing 4th we had....

Spent the day with my little man and my gf and her 10 month old!!!! Love them all dearly!!!

Wonderful hot beautiful day in Napa,,,, not amount of wine to go with it!!!

Sending you all such love and so many hugs, extra ones sent to you Jen, you are in my thoughts and heart.

It think it is a bit of a trend right now with taking a break here and there with blogging but hey gotta do what we gotta do.

My life is all over the place right now, the good news it that I think I have found an ED therapist FINALLY!!!! Hey hard work can pay off, what do you know!!!!

Not doing great in the eating department,,, actually think I had the worst day ever yesterday, my mom has been really sick for the last week and I have been trying to do everything I can to be with her and help take care of her but seeing a parent or child suffer is the worst feeling in the world,,, I hate feeling helpless! C also got pretty sick last week and had a very bad reaction to some eye drops he was on..... scared the shit out of me~~ needless to say I have spent a lot of time in the hospital this last week...

Well gonna be a short one work is very busy and trying to keep up with things is so difficult!!!!

I miss all of you so much!!

xoxo Lauren

My peaceful little C!!!!!

My Quote for a happy life now!!!!!!!

"It is important for people to figure out their own lives before involving someone else-to gauge where u are and work on your own issues"

I have to believe this,,,,,and believe my decisions were correct!!!

Happy 4th I love you all deeply!!!!!