Where have I been?

First off I just have to send my love and thoughts out to Jen, not going to say anything else other than my heart is so with her!
Second thank you all for your support this week, obviously my surgery went well and I'm actually back to work already. I wanted to come back last wed but had to do a follow up with my Dr. and luckily she said all looked good and I was finally able to take a shower, haha my smelly self with no shower for 2 days, I was going crazy!
Things with my sis are still the same only I have decided that I am going to cut off the ties between her and my son, she was asked by my dad on Tuesday to pick up Chance since I would be in surgery and she said no so that was the deciding factor on Little C and her relationship, all for the best I guess!
Sorry I have not posted in awhile I just have not been up for it, not sure why maybe I'm just ashamed in myself for my actions with my ED lately, its not out of control in any way just not where I wish I was at.
I had a really weird dream again the other night and I woke up feeling really depressed, it was about little C and I also had another baby who was like 6 months old and I left him at daycare not sure why but for some reason I did not take him with Little C and I. Anyways I left and was trying to hit on my cousins husband (gross) not sure why about that either, when all of the sudden I looked at my watch and it said 7:40 pm and and my heart sank, I rushed over to the daycare and the lady that was there said that she had the results on my son and that he was very depressed, I was confused how someone could tell that my 6 month old was depressed, anyways I woke up with this urge to want to get rid of all the bad in my life and be a better mom to little C, but for some reason when I thought about all the bad, not once did my ed pop into my head. I don't know why this dream has sat so shity with me but it has, I mean is and was it telling me that I am a bad mom and that little c is depressed or was it about some inner child bull shit or what, I hate when dreams effect me so deeply.
My ed, has got such a hold of me right now, but in a different way than ever before, I was telling my mom the other day that I was feeling really lonely right now, in the relationship department and I told her that I want to meet someone completely new that knows nothing about me or my shity ed, someone who I can be the fake me with the happy all the time no worries, no ed person with, I just want to feel free. I want to open up my arms and spin in circles like I did when I was a child no cares no worries of feeling dizzy and falling where ever the dizziness took me. I want to hear my dad say who wants to go for Ice-cream and to yell out loud "I scream you scream we all scream for ice-cream," and then go and eat it without the fear of gaining weight or the urge to vomit it up! I want to hold and be held, my eyes shut and open them with a feeling of relief and the urge to simply breathe!
Simply breathe.........god I would give anything for that!
I miss having someone that I WANT to confide in and wants to do the same with me. I feel like I destined to be alone in this world of ed and that scares me more than I can even express. I fear that little c will not be able to love his mommy because she is to weak of a person for him to even respect. I want so much for him I'm just afraid that I can not do it alone, I DON"T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!! I also know I do not have the energy to do the whole I tell you you tell me thing either! Ugh not a very upbeat post sorry, but on the up side I have super pretty tata's!! HeeHee