Thank you all so much for your constant love and support. All of your words and advice are seriously what help me get through me days.
Last night was really hard, I don't think I have ever in my life cried as much as I have since Saturday, I was beginning to wonder where the tears where coming from since I had not had anything to drink in who knows how long! They just kept coming.
I had a long talk with my step mom and told her that never in my life not even at my sickest was I ever this depressed. I actually could see for the first time last night how it would feel so much better to just not be here anymore and just not feel, well that was until little c came up to me and said u be ok momma you be ok....then he wiped my tears and said you have boogies!!! Haha god the innocence is never ending!
My dad has been on a fishing trip for the last 2 days and he called me twice yesterday to tell me he loved me and to just check on me, he also said that I needed to make a dr's apt asap and to not worry about the money he said we will work it out later. I swear him just saying that lifted 10 lbs off my back. I think he may have a little bit of an idea about what is going on with my sister but not sure, I wrote her back and said to not email me anymore, I just am not going to allow her to do this to me! My step mom told me that I only need to worry about what little c thinks and no one else, so as of today I'm gonna do my best to remember that bit of advice. I cannot believe my sister and her shity comments, god I have read them 1000 times and it makes me cry every time, funny thing is is that she is such a hard ass that I'm sure none of this means anything to her~! I hate that I was so stupid to believe that my ed could bring us back to being sisters, nothing will now cuz I'm done!
My mom has been so amazing through all of this her support and all of yours is truly something I will never be able to repay!
Hey no purging yesterday which is freaking amazing...........at least I have something to be proud of, god I hope that can get me through today!
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15 comments:
Wow, your dad is so amazing Lauren. This is all going to work out, I promise.
Chin up girl!!
Love
Frida
We're all here for ya, Babe! Keep your head up there, make a doc's appt. and try to cheer up. We love ya!
We all love you and are so proud of you! Thank God you have a great family (except for you know who) to support and help you.
I am so proud of you for not purging! Especially when things are so hard. You really can do it, you're proving it over and over.
About what you told your stepmom about being so depressed -- even more than when you were at your sickest. That makes sense to me. I think we tend to use our symptoms to numb that pain and push it away. So, when we aren't using our symptoms -- there's nothing to hide the pain and we feel it all. Ugh. But you are doing so great! I am so proud of you.
xoxo
Sarah
SO weird for you to leave a message Sarah just when I was checking your blog!!!!! See we must be related!! ;)
It is weird to not purge when I have the stress but I guess it means that that is not all I am, I need to begin to realize that my ed is just a part of me not the whole me!
My parents are being great, which I am thankful for just wish my blind, deaf, and clueless sister was! Oh well we can't have everything we want right?
Hey I have an appt for a consult with a dr on Friday, yippy!!!
xoxoxo to you sarah
Oh gosh, Lauren, I'm so sorry your sister hurt you. I'm sure on some level she thought she was being helpful but so often people can't see past their own agendas and it hurts. I sure as heck know what you are feeling and it SUCKS! If you feel the relationship is hurting you right now, take a step back from it. Do what is healthy for you.
I'm glad you have such a loving father. Hang in there girlie.
gd- I so know that you feel my pain, you have been going through such a loss yourself. THe relationship is totally hurting me and the worst part is that I have to cut it even though I want my sister in my life more than anything, I know her intentions and they were to shut me the hell up and whatever if that is how she feels then fine, funny part is that we were great the other day but I guess my boob poping just put her over the top, lame god she sucks.
xoxo lauren
Lauren,
Sometimes, you have to let people go. I had to do that with my brother as well. It sucks horribly, but I'm trying to learn that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him.
HUGS.
Carrie-
I wish you me and basically everyone who had to go threw this would never have to the pain is seriously unbareable what to do????
Thank you for your words.
xoxo Lauren
I'm so glad you have your dad and your mom supporting YOU lauren. And what your mom said is right - what matters most is what little C thinks and knows of his mommy's love. You keep taking care of you, and taking care of that sweet little boy of yours. That's most important.
You are strong, lauren. You can get through this. I am here to support you however I can.
I think all the tears are probably a good thing, I know they most likely don't feel like it, but I do think they are helping to cleanse the bad stuff, the pain, the hurt, out of your system. (too funny, I just wrote "sister" instead of "system" - what a slip! well, I want to cleanse the bad stuff out of your sister, too!)
and thank god for little c and his sweet love for you, remember that, when you feel sad or hopeless, honey, that he is there to adore you and loves you more than anyone on the planet.
love,
lulu
lauren,
you have a lot to be proud of--you are an amazing mom, friend, woman...!
amazing!
and we need to you to live. you know depression is just part of the cycle, and crying it out is so much better than purging it or drowning it in alcohol.
we're here for you love.
ae
lulu- it is amazing how crying so much can make you feel so much better and so much worse all in one. I have such a hard time with doing it and accepting that it is ok to do that I just feel stupid for doing it altogether.
I thank whatever higher power there may be out there everyday for my little man, he is so smart and knows his momma so much better than anyone.
We hugged and kissed for like an hour last night before bedtime last night and just seeing his laugh and little teeth makes me proud to have him and to be his mommy!! God I know Im lucky!
xoxoxoxoxoxo lauren,
ae-I know depression is part of the cycle but I honestly have never felt it the way I did last night, like I felt this feeling of peace when I thought of not being alive, it was weird and scary. I have always been someone who has wanted to live no matter what, I love to laugh and party and work and be a mom and daughter at times I wanted to crawl (ok alot of times) under a rock or into a hole but never have felt such peace with the thought of death, my sister has made me feel pathetic in a way that I have never felt, she makes me feel like I have done nothing with my life and all the bad I deserve! Wtf is that?? Who knows...what I do know is that all of those good qualities you see in me, I see in you 10 fold!
xoxo love lauren
Sorry I haven't left a comment lately. Please know I read everything, though.
Have you considered writing your sister a letter? I'm not saying you actually have to send it, but maybe putting some things on paper will help.
I forget who said it, but sometimes we do have to let people just go...sometimes we need to realise they just plain don't deserve to have us in their lives! :)
I don't know your Dad or even your history with him, but I want to hug him and thank him for helping take care of you.
Hugs, and let's meet up sometime!
good morning beautiful sista
sarah-
good moring to you my sweet sweet favorite sista!! hee hee
hi lauren,
i'm angry with your sister for making you want to die.
i solidly support the plan to replace her with sarah.
keep going, okay?
love,
ae
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