WORD at last!!!!!

I got the phone call I have been waiting for...........................I was accepted into the program!!!! FINALLY, can you believe it??? Well I still don't know all the details but I do know that they want me to start on Monday or Tuesday however I'm gonna try for next Monday so that I can get all of my shit and stuff for little C in order.
Oh my freaking god, I was just telling ff that I know I should be happy about all of this and in a way I guess I am but mostly I'm scared shit less. I felt my heart in my throat when Jennifer called me. I wanted to hang up when she gave me the word because all that meant was that this is real and that now I'm gonna have to face all of my stuff which I'm so scared about because who the hell knows what it is and why my head is such a freaking mess right now!
I feel totally lost and outta control at this moment, I have b/p'd 3 times already since I found out 2 hours ago~
I don't know how I'm ever gonna get threw this but Fu&k I'm gonna do it even if it physically hurts which I know it will!
I think right now I'm more scared of facing my own faults more than anything, god knows there are tons. Another thing that I am completely freaked out about is being in therapy for 12 hours a day, ugh art therapy, group therapy, swim therapy, one on one therapy, meditation classes, after hours group, MEALS!!!!!!! ICKY SO NOT READY for that one! Positive body image classes, those are always great! When I was in my last IP program, we used to have to stand in front of this mirror that was completely circled around us and look at our body and point to every part and tell why we loved or hated that part, I always had such a hard time with that because the only part I like about myself was my eyes, and they were almost off my list because of being sunken in!
Swim therapy was also difficult for me because my therapist was a man and I hated him seeing me in a bathing suit let alone me see myself in one, especially next to all of the other girls who were so much thinner than I was.
OMG what if everyone hates me???? I'm definitely a love me or hate me person, not sure why but people always think I'm a bitch when they meet me. They say I don't smile and that makes me look like a snob. I always ask what in the hell do I have to smile about? They usually get over it and accept me but what if they all just think I'm some stupid fatty who has no reason what so ever to be there? Oh my god I'm gonna lose it. I so wish I could go with someone I knew because then maybe I would not be feeling all this pressure. I'm so not looking forward to opening up to a bunch of people I don't know, but then again I do that almost everyday here and it has been nothing but a positive experience for me! Thanks to all of you of course! So maybe I just need to listen to myself for a minute and take a deep breath and remember little C and what an amazing gift he is that was given to me and I need to do this for him if nothing else. He is so my entire life! I'd be lost without him.
OMG again what am I gonna do without him with me everyday? Ok why was that not my first thought? I'm such a shity mom for that, why on earth would I think about anything else? I guess that just shows where my head is at with this whole thing!!
I can barely carry him into his car seat anymore with out feeling like I'm going to collapse afterwards, He wants me to hold him all the time and I want to but I am completely weak when it comes to doing it all the time! I HATE THIS LIFE OF ED!
I HATE this damn ed so much. I want it to just die!!!!!!
Will it ever???? Is this all worth it? Am I wasting my time doing this to just get out and go threw it all over again? Will little C have a screwed up mom forever! God I hope not!
I need to be in my thoughts for a little while!
I hope all of you have an amazing weekend, you are all in my thought!!
love Lauren