Ok so here is the deal, I got a phone call from the VA telling me that they will come my intake appt, so yesterday I called the program and left a message for them to call me to find out what program I should go into. The one I am hoping for is 5 days a week from 7:30 in the morning to 7pm, then I stay at an apartment there which they pay for. And on the weekends I think I'm free to go home. So I know this may not sound as smart as doing the inpatient program, but the truth is I think I can do this! Not sure how but I have faith that I can make it threw this program and come out a better person for everyone. I mean how much worse can it get?? I hate asking that because I always jinks myself but I'm tired of being so sick, I was in bed and over the toilet for 7 hours yesterday morning, my throat hurt so bad as well as my stomach.
I keep ODing on the lax I seem to have forgotten my limit.
I want this woman to stinking call me back so that I can get this terrible feeling of fear out of me. It is taking over seriously. I have already purged 3 times and it is only 10am.
My body feels like a big fat pig today, more that normal, it is crazy how much food I am able to fit into my body only to get rid of it faster than I ate it.
My parents keep asking me if I'm making myself more sick so that when I go into treatment they will think I need to be there and my reply in no but the god to honest truth is I am and I don't think I will be able to get where I need in time for them. I look at myself and all I see is a fatty and someone who is not able to get control over her huge body which is so weird because I spend all of my day either writing about it or acting on every urge I have which lately is more and more! I have also stopped my Prozac because I felt like that was making me gain and until I have to I'm just not willing to. I know by my writing it does not sound like I can do an outpatient program but.......hmmmmm maybe I can't!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Lauren-I try to be a hopeful person, but I want to be an honest person to. I feel that outpatient is not the answer. Leaving at 7 is too early. You need someone looking after you 24/7. At least for now. Ask yourself why you want to do outpatient. Do you want to engage in your ED behaviors after 7? Also, please don't make yourself sicker. You may end up in the emergency room. You obviously need to be IP they way you are right now. You have nothing to prove. You are such a beautiful person inside and out.
I hear everything you are saying k and you are probably right.....and thank you for your honesty, I treasure that in people!! I would just like to think I am strong enough to go full force on my own. I guess we will see what happens at my intake appt, I will keep you up-to-date on when that will happen!!!
thank you for you support!
xoxo lauren
Hey Lauren,
I hope that things turn out well for you. I hope you don't feel like you have to keep making yourself sicker before you go. You're doing so much damage to yourself, you don't need to do more. It makes me sad. I want you to be healthy and happy.
Good luck with everything.
Thank you PTC!
You are a person I look forward to hearing from!
take care today!
xo lauren
Hey Lauren,
I hope the appt goes well, keep us posted. I think inpatient would be good for you too, but I really don't know much about it. Be honest at your meeting and something good will come of it.
Please take care--you are so beautiful in that picture with your boy!
DG
hey DG-
god I so wish I saw beautiful! Thank you for the encouragement, I will be honest!!! I hope!;)
xo lauren!
Post a Comment