Remember me????

Oh my god, thank all of you so much for all of your words of support!! I and so worn out so I won't be replying to each message, I hope you all understand, but please know that I think about all of you on a freaking daily basis! I miss catching up and sending you all messages, I'm hoping that with time my energy will increase since all I do is sleep lately.
Thank you so much ff for your post, I have been so stressed out and wanting to let all of you know how I am and ff you are such an amazing woman as I know all would agree, god little e is so lucky to have you!
Treatment has been ............god I don't know hard to say the least! Good news is I have amazingly not binged of purged since Monday morning on my way to treatment! It has been crazy hard but I have actually kept on my meal plan to the tee, not that I really have any other option. Being away from little c has really hit me hard and I mean HARD. I cannot even believe I have been doing this for so long. I have really felt like I have been focusing on him so far which is ok because he deserves it but I think that I need to focus on me too which I'm just not feeling right now.
I really like my new therapist, she is so sweet and gentle with me but very harsh as well, tells it like it is, she just wants me to get it I think.
For example she told me on Tuesday the first time I met with her that I looked like I was starving to death and that she had no idea how I was still alive. For the first time in my life I HEARD someone say that not me, not sure I really believed her but I heard her. She also told me that because of how thin and sick I was she was not sure still if I was going to be able to stay in the program but honestly by Friday she told me I could stay and that she was so proud of me for my hard work through the week. I have started the Prozac again and am also on a few other meds. As for as the laxative's I have not stopped them due to there advice, they said that with the amount I was taking it would be really bad for my body to stop cold turkey so by my choice I have cut the intake in half and am slowly taking 1 or 2 away at a time.
Meals are really hard for me but somehow I'm able to work through them, so much food though I don't think I have EVER in my entire life eaten this much.
As far as my body well I look like I am 8 months prego, I'm so bloated and I know I have had to have gained a ton of weight, but luckily right now I have to do blind weight which is probably better. Being home is so great seeing little c and all but I think that it is hard as well, when I was driving back I was actually giving myself permission to b/p on my way back up.....I was planning what I would eat where I would eat it and where I would purge.
I feel like my mind is all over the place and I just want to cry which for some odd reason the only time I cry is when I think of little c. I feel so damn numb when it comes to anything else.
I'm living in an apartment with 3 other ladies who are wonderful. Actually 2 of them left on Friday which was sad but good because now two new women or men will be able to fill there spots. Luckly I joined the program the same day as another girl so we have been hanging out quite a bit and it was nice to not be the only new girl.
I hate the way I have been feeling about myself, sometimes I wish I could just die instead of deal. I know that is wrong but right now that is where I am. I want to be healthy for little c but I just wish I could take that magic pill that PTC was talking about one day and just have it be all over,,,,no memory at all!
My body literally hurts to move, and my sleeping is slim to none at night even with my meds.
I curl up with a blanket and pillow almost all day in treatment. I just don't want to open up at all. Please god let me make it through this!
God I really miss all of you so much and wish the best in everything. I'm so worn out I mean incredible worn out I don't even know how I have typed this much!
Please is you would like to write email ff she has my address I would love to hear from anyone who has the energy them self to write!!!
I miss all of you!
Love and positive thoughts sent your way!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo Lauren