Matsuri's.......that is the name of the sushi restaurant that I stare at every single day all day long out of the window of my office. It is actually one of the best sushi places around which is really hard for me because today unlike any other I am completely craving sushi, only today again unlike any other I refuse to give in. I have realised over the last few days that I tend to binge on food that I could really care less about, food that is terrible for me and food that I would never otherwise eat. So I have decided that I will keep it to those foods and not involve the foods I truly love because one day I'm gonna get over this shit and I want to be able to sit back and eat freaking sushi and not have to think about how many times I b/p'd over it! Weird or logical? Who knows.
Having a real hard time with the issue of leaving little C. I heard him crying for me this am when he woke up and I was getting ready, I went in to get him and he was completely hysterical huge tears and huge slimy runny nose crying for mommy!! It was terrible, I grabbed him and even though I was 20 minutes late already I curled up and layed back down in bed with him for another 15 min. He was so upset it broke my heart. I then started thinking about how it will be with out me there and I cannot even go there right now never mind..........
Having dinner with my sister and step mom and little c tonight..... I can do this not much longer and I will not have to have my body go into complete stress mode, this numbing and tingling is driving me crazy. Last night I had to lay down because it go so bad I could barely feel anything, I think it is anxiety to has to be there is no way that is just my electrolytes being off.
Really excited about tomorrow night. My gf Sarah from HS actually my oldest and dearest friend and I and her little sister are going out. Funny story but a few weeks ago I went to the town we grew up in and called her crying, for some reason I missed her so much and I had just seen her 2 days earlier. Anyways I missed us going to the old run down hole in the wall bars that we used to go to and spend hours in drinking, smoking and talking shit. So tomorrow we are going rewind and pulling an olden days night. So hard for us to get them with me having little c and she has twin boys who are 6 months younger than little c..... crazy life of ours!! I so excited about it. Lame I know how can some one be excited over something like that???? Who knows but I am!
Ok gonna get back to work for a bit. I'm send hugs and positive thoughts to all of you out there!!!! WHERE EVER YOU MAY BE!!!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
It can't be
Wow is it really already Wednesday? As of today I'm totally ready for Monday. Scared shit less but ready. I went to the Dr's yesterday and had to have another EKG and lab work up and my labs came back not so great, they said that my potassium amongst other things were way off so yesterday they started me on some oral potassium pill which are to big for even a horse to swallow. Funny thing is that the direction's say "can cause nausea unless taken with food", shoot do they know who they gave these things to? HaHa, I took one with a glass of strawberry milk yesterday and all seemed ok. I was feeling like total poo so I made myself keep it down. I'm also down in my weight again, which is not so great because I need to keep myself stable to get into the program.
Ok weirdest thing EVER, I know no one wants to really hear this but it totally threw me for a loop. I have not had my cycle in 3 months and yesterday out of the blue and at my low weight I started, is that even possible? I was completely shock and pissed at the same time. Made me start evaluating myself pretty hard. How could I have started?
Ok enough of that just made me wonder!
Work is pretty slow which is nice. I got a lot done this am. I talked to my boss on Monday and things went amazing!!!!! My boss was by far the coolest I have ever seen her! She was totally understanding and said that my job will be here waiting for me and to take as much time as I needed, she said that she would hire a temp so on Friday I get to train this temp, ick, but I guess I cannot complain. She said that all she wants is for me to get better and take care of myself. I even talked to our social worker who was a great deal of help to me, (very sweet)! My boss sort of has diarrhea of the mouth though and she told out dietitian and so yesterday when I was at my other job I got a call from her. Everyone is so amazing I do not even know why I questioned it!
The purging has gotten a bit worse in the last few days but I think it is just me trying to hold on or I don't know but it is so exhausting, I just want it to end.
I want to never have to stand on a scale or look at my body in the mirror again. I hate my body so much. I feel like crying every time I see the fat. The more I lose the fatter I feel. I don't understand. I really cannot imagine having to gain so soon but the little bit of my head that is still clear knows that I need to. I feel like men do not even look at me anymore. Makes me sad to think that I'm not worth looking at.
I hate my arms today well everyday but today they look especially skinny. Like long ass monkey arms. I'm a freaking ape! haha
Have to do grocery shopping for my step mom tonight and I'm totally dreading it! That is the one reason why I don't want work to be over today. The store is where I totally lose my mind and buy everything I shouldn't and why wouldn't I, I get away with the binging AND purging with my partents.
My dad came into my work today to get the keys for my apartment and met my boss. He totally charmed her. He does that with most women, totally handsome man and knows his shit no matter what the issue.
It was funny to watch.
SO my mom I totally forgot to write about this but she had met a guy online about 4 months ago and he lives in England, anyways he flew out to meet her for 8 day and just left on Monday. She was so excited and was so hoping to find love. Unfortunately that is not exactly what happened, she did however make a really good friend! I guess something like that is totally the risk that we take when we put ourselves out there. I wish I was in love....wow did I really just write that? Something must definitely be wrong with me.
Ok weirdest thing EVER, I know no one wants to really hear this but it totally threw me for a loop. I have not had my cycle in 3 months and yesterday out of the blue and at my low weight I started, is that even possible? I was completely shock and pissed at the same time. Made me start evaluating myself pretty hard. How could I have started?
Ok enough of that just made me wonder!
Work is pretty slow which is nice. I got a lot done this am. I talked to my boss on Monday and things went amazing!!!!! My boss was by far the coolest I have ever seen her! She was totally understanding and said that my job will be here waiting for me and to take as much time as I needed, she said that she would hire a temp so on Friday I get to train this temp, ick, but I guess I cannot complain. She said that all she wants is for me to get better and take care of myself. I even talked to our social worker who was a great deal of help to me, (very sweet)! My boss sort of has diarrhea of the mouth though and she told out dietitian and so yesterday when I was at my other job I got a call from her. Everyone is so amazing I do not even know why I questioned it!
The purging has gotten a bit worse in the last few days but I think it is just me trying to hold on or I don't know but it is so exhausting, I just want it to end.
I want to never have to stand on a scale or look at my body in the mirror again. I hate my body so much. I feel like crying every time I see the fat. The more I lose the fatter I feel. I don't understand. I really cannot imagine having to gain so soon but the little bit of my head that is still clear knows that I need to. I feel like men do not even look at me anymore. Makes me sad to think that I'm not worth looking at.
I hate my arms today well everyday but today they look especially skinny. Like long ass monkey arms. I'm a freaking ape! haha
Have to do grocery shopping for my step mom tonight and I'm totally dreading it! That is the one reason why I don't want work to be over today. The store is where I totally lose my mind and buy everything I shouldn't and why wouldn't I, I get away with the binging AND purging with my partents.
My dad came into my work today to get the keys for my apartment and met my boss. He totally charmed her. He does that with most women, totally handsome man and knows his shit no matter what the issue.
It was funny to watch.
SO my mom I totally forgot to write about this but she had met a guy online about 4 months ago and he lives in England, anyways he flew out to meet her for 8 day and just left on Monday. She was so excited and was so hoping to find love. Unfortunately that is not exactly what happened, she did however make a really good friend! I guess something like that is totally the risk that we take when we put ourselves out there. I wish I was in love....wow did I really just write that? Something must definitely be wrong with me.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Just Scream
Long weekend, but really nice!
Little C was my date to both a birthday party and baby shower on Saturday, and to be quite honest with you he was the best date ever! We had such a great time at both, there were so many kids all over for him to play with he did amazing, and when he wanted he would come back and do a check-in just to make sure I was still there. It was so cute I was holding a few of my gf's baby and he would come up and point on my face and the baby's that I was HIS momma.... I loved it!
Sunday was pretty hard for me, I went to my apartment to finish packing up and made it to sitting down in the middle of my living room. I did not do a single thing except eat Cheetos and cry.
At least I ate right....
I'm having such a hard time because I am so angry that this damn ed is taking away everything in my life again, everything that I have worked so hard for in being a single mom, going to school and working my ass off to provide and for what to lose it because of this life consuming piece of shit gd F'ing disease. (sorry had to get it out)
I know Im doing what I have to do right now but I just wish it never had to happen again, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh
Ok now I need a ambien
I begin next Monday! I cannot breathe about that!!!!!!!!
Little C was my date to both a birthday party and baby shower on Saturday, and to be quite honest with you he was the best date ever! We had such a great time at both, there were so many kids all over for him to play with he did amazing, and when he wanted he would come back and do a check-in just to make sure I was still there. It was so cute I was holding a few of my gf's baby and he would come up and point on my face and the baby's that I was HIS momma.... I loved it!
Sunday was pretty hard for me, I went to my apartment to finish packing up and made it to sitting down in the middle of my living room. I did not do a single thing except eat Cheetos and cry.
At least I ate right....
I'm having such a hard time because I am so angry that this damn ed is taking away everything in my life again, everything that I have worked so hard for in being a single mom, going to school and working my ass off to provide and for what to lose it because of this life consuming piece of shit gd F'ing disease. (sorry had to get it out)
I know Im doing what I have to do right now but I just wish it never had to happen again, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh
Ok now I need a ambien
I begin next Monday! I cannot breathe about that!!!!!!!!
Friday, April 20, 2007
WORD at last!!!!!
I got the phone call I have been waiting for...........................I was accepted into the program!!!! FINALLY, can you believe it??? Well I still don't know all the details but I do know that they want me to start on Monday or Tuesday however I'm gonna try for next Monday so that I can get all of my shit and stuff for little C in order.
Oh my freaking god, I was just telling ff that I know I should be happy about all of this and in a way I guess I am but mostly I'm scared shit less. I felt my heart in my throat when Jennifer called me. I wanted to hang up when she gave me the word because all that meant was that this is real and that now I'm gonna have to face all of my stuff which I'm so scared about because who the hell knows what it is and why my head is such a freaking mess right now!
I feel totally lost and outta control at this moment, I have b/p'd 3 times already since I found out 2 hours ago~
I don't know how I'm ever gonna get threw this but Fu&k I'm gonna do it even if it physically hurts which I know it will!
I think right now I'm more scared of facing my own faults more than anything, god knows there are tons. Another thing that I am completely freaked out about is being in therapy for 12 hours a day, ugh art therapy, group therapy, swim therapy, one on one therapy, meditation classes, after hours group, MEALS!!!!!!! ICKY SO NOT READY for that one! Positive body image classes, those are always great! When I was in my last IP program, we used to have to stand in front of this mirror that was completely circled around us and look at our body and point to every part and tell why we loved or hated that part, I always had such a hard time with that because the only part I like about myself was my eyes, and they were almost off my list because of being sunken in!
Swim therapy was also difficult for me because my therapist was a man and I hated him seeing me in a bathing suit let alone me see myself in one, especially next to all of the other girls who were so much thinner than I was.
OMG what if everyone hates me???? I'm definitely a love me or hate me person, not sure why but people always think I'm a bitch when they meet me. They say I don't smile and that makes me look like a snob. I always ask what in the hell do I have to smile about? They usually get over it and accept me but what if they all just think I'm some stupid fatty who has no reason what so ever to be there? Oh my god I'm gonna lose it. I so wish I could go with someone I knew because then maybe I would not be feeling all this pressure. I'm so not looking forward to opening up to a bunch of people I don't know, but then again I do that almost everyday here and it has been nothing but a positive experience for me! Thanks to all of you of course! So maybe I just need to listen to myself for a minute and take a deep breath and remember little C and what an amazing gift he is that was given to me and I need to do this for him if nothing else. He is so my entire life! I'd be lost without him.
OMG again what am I gonna do without him with me everyday? Ok why was that not my first thought? I'm such a shity mom for that, why on earth would I think about anything else? I guess that just shows where my head is at with this whole thing!!
I can barely carry him into his car seat anymore with out feeling like I'm going to collapse afterwards, He wants me to hold him all the time and I want to but I am completely weak when it comes to doing it all the time! I HATE THIS LIFE OF ED!
I HATE this damn ed so much. I want it to just die!!!!!!
Will it ever???? Is this all worth it? Am I wasting my time doing this to just get out and go threw it all over again? Will little C have a screwed up mom forever! God I hope not!
I need to be in my thoughts for a little while!
I hope all of you have an amazing weekend, you are all in my thought!!
love Lauren
Oh my freaking god, I was just telling ff that I know I should be happy about all of this and in a way I guess I am but mostly I'm scared shit less. I felt my heart in my throat when Jennifer called me. I wanted to hang up when she gave me the word because all that meant was that this is real and that now I'm gonna have to face all of my stuff which I'm so scared about because who the hell knows what it is and why my head is such a freaking mess right now!
I feel totally lost and outta control at this moment, I have b/p'd 3 times already since I found out 2 hours ago~
I don't know how I'm ever gonna get threw this but Fu&k I'm gonna do it even if it physically hurts which I know it will!
I think right now I'm more scared of facing my own faults more than anything, god knows there are tons. Another thing that I am completely freaked out about is being in therapy for 12 hours a day, ugh art therapy, group therapy, swim therapy, one on one therapy, meditation classes, after hours group, MEALS!!!!!!! ICKY SO NOT READY for that one! Positive body image classes, those are always great! When I was in my last IP program, we used to have to stand in front of this mirror that was completely circled around us and look at our body and point to every part and tell why we loved or hated that part, I always had such a hard time with that because the only part I like about myself was my eyes, and they were almost off my list because of being sunken in!
Swim therapy was also difficult for me because my therapist was a man and I hated him seeing me in a bathing suit let alone me see myself in one, especially next to all of the other girls who were so much thinner than I was.
OMG what if everyone hates me???? I'm definitely a love me or hate me person, not sure why but people always think I'm a bitch when they meet me. They say I don't smile and that makes me look like a snob. I always ask what in the hell do I have to smile about? They usually get over it and accept me but what if they all just think I'm some stupid fatty who has no reason what so ever to be there? Oh my god I'm gonna lose it. I so wish I could go with someone I knew because then maybe I would not be feeling all this pressure. I'm so not looking forward to opening up to a bunch of people I don't know, but then again I do that almost everyday here and it has been nothing but a positive experience for me! Thanks to all of you of course! So maybe I just need to listen to myself for a minute and take a deep breath and remember little C and what an amazing gift he is that was given to me and I need to do this for him if nothing else. He is so my entire life! I'd be lost without him.
OMG again what am I gonna do without him with me everyday? Ok why was that not my first thought? I'm such a shity mom for that, why on earth would I think about anything else? I guess that just shows where my head is at with this whole thing!!
I can barely carry him into his car seat anymore with out feeling like I'm going to collapse afterwards, He wants me to hold him all the time and I want to but I am completely weak when it comes to doing it all the time! I HATE THIS LIFE OF ED!
I HATE this damn ed so much. I want it to just die!!!!!!
Will it ever???? Is this all worth it? Am I wasting my time doing this to just get out and go threw it all over again? Will little C have a screwed up mom forever! God I hope not!
I need to be in my thoughts for a little while!
I hope all of you have an amazing weekend, you are all in my thought!!
love Lauren
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Never ending!
Ok so she just called and said that hopefully she will have an answer for me tomorrow!! She said she had to forward my labs to their Dr. now!!! I want a nap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just tell me already!
I have been totally not into blogging the last few days, not sure why other than I have been completely frustrated with this whole process and lack of urgency on the part of Summit treatment center! I have spoken with the woman from there a few times this week and all she told me was that she had not received my labs and that there decision to treat me was based on my lab work~ ERRRRR I have had the forms sent over there 3 times by my Dr. and I have sent them on top of that.
I just want to start this damn treatment already, I cannot even explain how freaking tired I am. I'm barely sleeping at all and I feel like if I close my eyes for even one second I will be completely out for days, which right now I would not mind.
I'm getting so irritated about all of this even as I type now, I just....never mind!
Ok so my feelings are kind of hurt and maybe I'm just over sensitive right now I don't know. so I decided to meet that guy friend of mine the other night that I have talking to for a few months and it was great, he knows some of my stuff, and knew that I would not be big on the idea of dinner so we met for drinks. It was really weird because with thinking I would not be attracted to him I had no fear until I walked in the door and saw him. He looked just as I thought he would and I was totally into him from the first second I saw him! I hate that I let myself do that! Anyways we had awesome conversation and went outback on this little patio with a great music and a fireplace, I smoked more cigs than I have in 3 years actually only like 3 but it was so nice out and he made it so comfortable!!! Now since Tuesday I got a few lame text messages yesterday, and I mean lame!!!!! He totally was into me or so I thought from what he said. Ugh I don't know but I feel stupid because we were seriously talking and emailing all day long everyday for like 2 1/2 months. I have not dealt with something like this in years and I'm scared that it is because of my weight or shit maybe its just me. Whatever it is I just wish he would say something. I would feel so much better even if he said hey Lauren lets just be friends, I'm totally down for that! I know a relationship is really not where I should be right now anyways but it feels nice to know a man cares, when you care about them. Ok enough complaining for now!
Well hopefully I will hear something soon, I have a crazy busy afternoon ahead of me so I will update as soon as I know or hear something!!!
I just want to start this damn treatment already, I cannot even explain how freaking tired I am. I'm barely sleeping at all and I feel like if I close my eyes for even one second I will be completely out for days, which right now I would not mind.
I'm getting so irritated about all of this even as I type now, I just....never mind!
Ok so my feelings are kind of hurt and maybe I'm just over sensitive right now I don't know. so I decided to meet that guy friend of mine the other night that I have talking to for a few months and it was great, he knows some of my stuff, and knew that I would not be big on the idea of dinner so we met for drinks. It was really weird because with thinking I would not be attracted to him I had no fear until I walked in the door and saw him. He looked just as I thought he would and I was totally into him from the first second I saw him! I hate that I let myself do that! Anyways we had awesome conversation and went outback on this little patio with a great music and a fireplace, I smoked more cigs than I have in 3 years actually only like 3 but it was so nice out and he made it so comfortable!!! Now since Tuesday I got a few lame text messages yesterday, and I mean lame!!!!! He totally was into me or so I thought from what he said. Ugh I don't know but I feel stupid because we were seriously talking and emailing all day long everyday for like 2 1/2 months. I have not dealt with something like this in years and I'm scared that it is because of my weight or shit maybe its just me. Whatever it is I just wish he would say something. I would feel so much better even if he said hey Lauren lets just be friends, I'm totally down for that! I know a relationship is really not where I should be right now anyways but it feels nice to know a man cares, when you care about them. Ok enough complaining for now!
Well hopefully I will hear something soon, I have a crazy busy afternoon ahead of me so I will update as soon as I know or hear something!!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Blah Blah Blah
Libra
""""Daily extended (by Astrology.com)There's no doubt that the tide is starting to turn. But the question is this: Are you ready? You're at the helm of a glorious ship that's sailing off into a very beautiful sunset -- but it's still very important that you know what route you're going to follow. You do know where you're going, don't you? Ask for advice from friends who have sailed these waters before. The ideas they offer could guarantee a successful voyage. """""
For some reason this one jumped out at me this morning. Normally I only read my ~love~ horoscope because usually it is really funny and so far from the truth but today I read my daily one because who knows why but I did and I thought it made a bit to much sense to me today!!
Still no word from the center but the told me I would know something by today for sure. SO do I wait til the end of the day or do I just freaking call this afternoon or be patient and do nothing? I will figure it out........always do!
SO I know it is totally stupid of me but I have a blind date tonight, well not totally blind we have talked on the phone a few times but have never met, what am I think doing this right now? Well maybe it will get a meal down in me or at least a few bites, which is better than nothing right now!
I feel like I'm so lonely right now but when ever a man gets close I run away as far as possible, my sister asked me if I was gay the other day, and she was totally serious. She said Lauren you are never attracted to men......I said so not true... I totally am I just run when it comes to anything that because to close. I never want to feel out of control when it comes to a man ever again. I'm talking totally out of left field today, I have so many other more important stuff I should be think about and I focus on the less serious!! That's me. I'm tired and hungry, god or whatever is out there please give me the strength to resist!
""""Daily extended (by Astrology.com)There's no doubt that the tide is starting to turn. But the question is this: Are you ready? You're at the helm of a glorious ship that's sailing off into a very beautiful sunset -- but it's still very important that you know what route you're going to follow. You do know where you're going, don't you? Ask for advice from friends who have sailed these waters before. The ideas they offer could guarantee a successful voyage. """""
For some reason this one jumped out at me this morning. Normally I only read my ~love~ horoscope because usually it is really funny and so far from the truth but today I read my daily one because who knows why but I did and I thought it made a bit to much sense to me today!!
Still no word from the center but the told me I would know something by today for sure. SO do I wait til the end of the day or do I just freaking call this afternoon or be patient and do nothing? I will figure it out........always do!
SO I know it is totally stupid of me but I have a blind date tonight, well not totally blind we have talked on the phone a few times but have never met, what am I think doing this right now? Well maybe it will get a meal down in me or at least a few bites, which is better than nothing right now!
I feel like I'm so lonely right now but when ever a man gets close I run away as far as possible, my sister asked me if I was gay the other day, and she was totally serious. She said Lauren you are never attracted to men......I said so not true... I totally am I just run when it comes to anything that because to close. I never want to feel out of control when it comes to a man ever again. I'm talking totally out of left field today, I have so many other more important stuff I should be think about and I focus on the less serious!! That's me. I'm tired and hungry, god or whatever is out there please give me the strength to resist!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Just had to share!
SO when I was with my sister on Friday she did the sweetest thing......we went to a restaurant and right when we sat down she pulled something out of her purse and set it on the table. She grabbed my hand and told me how much she loved me and that she want to give me something that was very important to her. You see my aunt died about 10 years ago, actually she committed suicide.....another long story but I was never given anything from my uncle of hers not even a sock which trust me I would have taken anything, I loved her so much. Anyways my sister was given this amazing gold watch and she told me that when ever she was feeling low or out of control or just lost in general she would go to her watch and it always brought her comfort. My sister and my aunt were very close! My sister said that she knew I would get threw this and that not all sadness had to end in death or tragedy. She told me that she believed one reason for my aunts life was to teach her how patient to be with me and to learn from struggles and try to understand them. I was so shocked when she handed me the watch that I have heard so much about! It is beautiful and I know this sounds weird but I took it out and looked at the inside of the watch and there is what looks like skin or old sweat on the watch, that may sound gross or odd but I don't know how else to explain it, anyways it made me so grateful for having got the time I did with my aunt and most of all the time I have spent with my sister, I'm so grateful for her and our new found relationship! I love you G!
My weight scared me this am!
First thing first, thank you all so much for your support. I so needed it on Friday.
Ok so thankfully Thursday night I slept amazing, and with no meds can you believe that??? Friday I got up and felt so sick, I was almost numbed by the fear and anger I was feeling. All that and I had to drive to Sacramento which is not a long drive but sure felt like it that morning! I stopped and picked up my sister on the way and we made our rounds to the nearest Starbucks...got on the road and before I knew it, it was 11:25 and we were there. I walked into the office holding onto my sister tighter than I had ever held anything wanting to run the other way but somehow I just kept little C's face in my head and sat down to fill out the 8000 forms that were there waiting for me. By the time I got to the last two forms I gave up and my sister had to fill them out, I just could not do it anymore. While I was sitting there 3 girls came into the waiting room, and you could totally see how all of us were sizing each other up each one feeling fatter and more disgusting than the next and all of us wanting to leave. The deep breaths were endless and each one louder than the one before. It was unbearable in this room! Finally a woman called my name and brought me back, her name was Kristine (let say)! As it turns out Mark was not going to be taking me in it was now Kristine, which I was actually happy about because I was really struggling with the issue of a man taking my life story in 45 min. just made me feel even more like crap!
So the questions began and so did the crying and not being able to breathe and the tingling and numbness, and loss of any bit of memory I have. My head was totally out of it!
I felt so out of control and just wanted to hide!!!!!
But........I didn't! I split as much as I was able to! I figure I have nothing else to lose right!
SO the interview went on for about an hour and after it was over she told me that she was going to have to weigh me, so we did. I honestly did not realize how bad I was about my weight til this very moment of being weighed. It read from what I saw 90lbs and I asked the woman what she read and she said 93lbs, I about freaked out on her ass. I said there is no way I gained 2 lbs. So she said ok lets do this again and when we did well who was right????? ME! ERRRRR I hate how bad the scale makes me feel about myself. I wanted to rip her head off and for what?? a stupid 3 lbs.
Ugh, well after that she went and met with a few of the Dr.s and came back and said that they wanted me to go directly to the ER. They said that she were very worried about my status, whatever that means! They also said that I had to have a medical clearance before they would allow me into the program. I told them there was no way I was going to the ER because I was fine but I did call my Dr. and made an apt with her for a physical which she ended up having an opening on Friday so I got labs, EKG, and physical done then! All was ok I think! LONG ASS DAY I started at 6:30 am and got home at 7pm. I was pooped!!!! Still am actually, this weekend was a hard one, I feel like the closer I get to find out anything the worse I get, My weight went down to 87.6 this am, which I'm sorry if that is a trigger but like PTC has said several times, it's my blog,,,,,thanks PTC! anyways I was actually scared. Maybe that is a good thing I don't know but what I do know is that I thought I would be happy when I got back to the 80's and all I feel is tension. Not enough to not purge though! I think I realized that before I was at least snacking here and there between the b/p but now I realized that I may have a bite of something but nothing else! What is wrong I want this nightmare to be over!
I will find out what program they recommend today or tomorrow!
Ok so thankfully Thursday night I slept amazing, and with no meds can you believe that??? Friday I got up and felt so sick, I was almost numbed by the fear and anger I was feeling. All that and I had to drive to Sacramento which is not a long drive but sure felt like it that morning! I stopped and picked up my sister on the way and we made our rounds to the nearest Starbucks...got on the road and before I knew it, it was 11:25 and we were there. I walked into the office holding onto my sister tighter than I had ever held anything wanting to run the other way but somehow I just kept little C's face in my head and sat down to fill out the 8000 forms that were there waiting for me. By the time I got to the last two forms I gave up and my sister had to fill them out, I just could not do it anymore. While I was sitting there 3 girls came into the waiting room, and you could totally see how all of us were sizing each other up each one feeling fatter and more disgusting than the next and all of us wanting to leave. The deep breaths were endless and each one louder than the one before. It was unbearable in this room! Finally a woman called my name and brought me back, her name was Kristine (let say)! As it turns out Mark was not going to be taking me in it was now Kristine, which I was actually happy about because I was really struggling with the issue of a man taking my life story in 45 min. just made me feel even more like crap!
So the questions began and so did the crying and not being able to breathe and the tingling and numbness, and loss of any bit of memory I have. My head was totally out of it!
I felt so out of control and just wanted to hide!!!!!
But........I didn't! I split as much as I was able to! I figure I have nothing else to lose right!
SO the interview went on for about an hour and after it was over she told me that she was going to have to weigh me, so we did. I honestly did not realize how bad I was about my weight til this very moment of being weighed. It read from what I saw 90lbs and I asked the woman what she read and she said 93lbs, I about freaked out on her ass. I said there is no way I gained 2 lbs. So she said ok lets do this again and when we did well who was right????? ME! ERRRRR I hate how bad the scale makes me feel about myself. I wanted to rip her head off and for what?? a stupid 3 lbs.
Ugh, well after that she went and met with a few of the Dr.s and came back and said that they wanted me to go directly to the ER. They said that she were very worried about my status, whatever that means! They also said that I had to have a medical clearance before they would allow me into the program. I told them there was no way I was going to the ER because I was fine but I did call my Dr. and made an apt with her for a physical which she ended up having an opening on Friday so I got labs, EKG, and physical done then! All was ok I think! LONG ASS DAY I started at 6:30 am and got home at 7pm. I was pooped!!!! Still am actually, this weekend was a hard one, I feel like the closer I get to find out anything the worse I get, My weight went down to 87.6 this am, which I'm sorry if that is a trigger but like PTC has said several times, it's my blog,,,,,thanks PTC! anyways I was actually scared. Maybe that is a good thing I don't know but what I do know is that I thought I would be happy when I got back to the 80's and all I feel is tension. Not enough to not purge though! I think I realized that before I was at least snacking here and there between the b/p but now I realized that I may have a bite of something but nothing else! What is wrong I want this nightmare to be over!
I will find out what program they recommend today or tomorrow!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
My F'd up Body Image
Thursday's........there for sure not the worst day of the week but it run's a close second,,,,,,usually! Today though is not such a bad day. Feels weird saying that because not a whole lot has changed but I guess it is just one of those days when I am in a space that is not so horrible!
I have been really anxious the past couple of days about tomorrows appt and simply the idea of gaining weight when I have "worked" so hard at getting this weight off. Never before have I been at this weight, it is weird because the smaller I get the BIGGER and FATTER I feel, why is that I wonder? Honestly when I look in the mirror I see someone who can lose 15 more lbs. Shit what am I talking about I could lose a few more than that.
Every moring for the last week I have gotten up and done my usual routine, shower, blowdry, makeup, hair, teeth, little C all ready, then I leave for daycare and work and every morning I wonder when I will snap, when I will no longer be able to do all of those things in a calm mood and no anger. Late relapse it did not last long although I did not have little C then, maybe he helps at keeping me calm and focused.
Thank god for his sweet little self!!! What a good little man he is!
He got the coolest Thomas Train Table from my parents yesterday, it's huge and he LOVES it. I could not get him away from it last night! My dad and him put it together, I was totally impressed with how great my dad was and how patient he was with him in letting little c help screw in the screws and put the pieces of wood together. I don't think I could have done it!
I want to be able to though!
M>A>R>K>!!!!!!!! Ugh get that name out of my head please! I'm so ready to go and get this done. My sister is going to come to my apt with me, hopefully she will be able to hear the details that I know I will have to share to decide my treatment plan. I'm ready to start but I also know that have 2 days to decide what they are going to do, and I cannot just leave my job with no effort of trying to keep it, as it goes so far I will not get to apply for FMLA because I have not been with the company for a year yet, but I'm hoping that since I have had to put up with ALOT of shit they will be somewhat understanding to my situation and hire a temp for the time that I am gone! Wishful thinking I think! Whatever happens happens I guess!!
Ok so I hope today starts going by a little bit faster because I'm already for bed and its only noon!!
Im sure I will be back, work is really slow and I'm gonna put in the "Holiday" I need to laugh!
I have been really anxious the past couple of days about tomorrows appt and simply the idea of gaining weight when I have "worked" so hard at getting this weight off. Never before have I been at this weight, it is weird because the smaller I get the BIGGER and FATTER I feel, why is that I wonder? Honestly when I look in the mirror I see someone who can lose 15 more lbs. Shit what am I talking about I could lose a few more than that.
Every moring for the last week I have gotten up and done my usual routine, shower, blowdry, makeup, hair, teeth, little C all ready, then I leave for daycare and work and every morning I wonder when I will snap, when I will no longer be able to do all of those things in a calm mood and no anger. Late relapse it did not last long although I did not have little C then, maybe he helps at keeping me calm and focused.
Thank god for his sweet little self!!! What a good little man he is!
He got the coolest Thomas Train Table from my parents yesterday, it's huge and he LOVES it. I could not get him away from it last night! My dad and him put it together, I was totally impressed with how great my dad was and how patient he was with him in letting little c help screw in the screws and put the pieces of wood together. I don't think I could have done it!
I want to be able to though!
M>A>R>K>!!!!!!!! Ugh get that name out of my head please! I'm so ready to go and get this done. My sister is going to come to my apt with me, hopefully she will be able to hear the details that I know I will have to share to decide my treatment plan. I'm ready to start but I also know that have 2 days to decide what they are going to do, and I cannot just leave my job with no effort of trying to keep it, as it goes so far I will not get to apply for FMLA because I have not been with the company for a year yet, but I'm hoping that since I have had to put up with ALOT of shit they will be somewhat understanding to my situation and hire a temp for the time that I am gone! Wishful thinking I think! Whatever happens happens I guess!!
Ok so I hope today starts going by a little bit faster because I'm already for bed and its only noon!!
Im sure I will be back, work is really slow and I'm gonna put in the "Holiday" I need to laugh!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Just thinking about~
.......why it is that I cannot grasp the fact that you can be ANY weight and have an ed? It does not mean that you are not sick if you weigh 150 lbs or 89 lbs ed is ed. Ok now I see that I just typed that but I still don't believe it!
I want to understand why I am at where I am, and why I feel the need to be sick? Am I needing attention and I f'd up am I crazy what is it and why me? Why do I have to suffer all the time? I feel lame for even saying this because so many others are going through this too but................. gawd why?
I miss the old me, where has she gone? And is it to late to find her again? I hope not because she was a good person, who cared about herself and not in a negative way. I cannot even remember what it was like to be her.
What I would give to have the energy to keep up with little C the way I used to be able to, to go have pizza and ice-cream with him and not have to make sure someone else is with me to watch him while I run to the bathroom. I took Ambein the other night and binged big big time and right after I ran to the bathroom, thinking C was asleep, but when I turned around he was standing at the door saying "you no like momma you no like"? I quickly collected myself and laid him back down only to run right back to finish the job that had been stopped to early! I am the worst mother ever!!!!
I have this constant headache right behind my left eye all the time now and it shoots up to the top of my head. Nothing helps anymore, and purging sure does not make it any better!
I think I have the biggest collection on VS lotion and spray one can have at work and I still know that vomit is just not an easy smell to hide!!
I wonder if anyone knows?
I want to understand why I am at where I am, and why I feel the need to be sick? Am I needing attention and I f'd up am I crazy what is it and why me? Why do I have to suffer all the time? I feel lame for even saying this because so many others are going through this too but................. gawd why?
I miss the old me, where has she gone? And is it to late to find her again? I hope not because she was a good person, who cared about herself and not in a negative way. I cannot even remember what it was like to be her.
What I would give to have the energy to keep up with little C the way I used to be able to, to go have pizza and ice-cream with him and not have to make sure someone else is with me to watch him while I run to the bathroom. I took Ambein the other night and binged big big time and right after I ran to the bathroom, thinking C was asleep, but when I turned around he was standing at the door saying "you no like momma you no like"? I quickly collected myself and laid him back down only to run right back to finish the job that had been stopped to early! I am the worst mother ever!!!!
I have this constant headache right behind my left eye all the time now and it shoots up to the top of my head. Nothing helps anymore, and purging sure does not make it any better!
I think I have the biggest collection on VS lotion and spray one can have at work and I still know that vomit is just not an easy smell to hide!!
I wonder if anyone knows?
I'm starting to get so nervous......
Ok so here is the deal, I got a phone call from the VA telling me that they will come my intake appt, so yesterday I called the program and left a message for them to call me to find out what program I should go into. The one I am hoping for is 5 days a week from 7:30 in the morning to 7pm, then I stay at an apartment there which they pay for. And on the weekends I think I'm free to go home. So I know this may not sound as smart as doing the inpatient program, but the truth is I think I can do this! Not sure how but I have faith that I can make it threw this program and come out a better person for everyone. I mean how much worse can it get?? I hate asking that because I always jinks myself but I'm tired of being so sick, I was in bed and over the toilet for 7 hours yesterday morning, my throat hurt so bad as well as my stomach.
I keep ODing on the lax I seem to have forgotten my limit.
I want this woman to stinking call me back so that I can get this terrible feeling of fear out of me. It is taking over seriously. I have already purged 3 times and it is only 10am.
My body feels like a big fat pig today, more that normal, it is crazy how much food I am able to fit into my body only to get rid of it faster than I ate it.
My parents keep asking me if I'm making myself more sick so that when I go into treatment they will think I need to be there and my reply in no but the god to honest truth is I am and I don't think I will be able to get where I need in time for them. I look at myself and all I see is a fatty and someone who is not able to get control over her huge body which is so weird because I spend all of my day either writing about it or acting on every urge I have which lately is more and more! I have also stopped my Prozac because I felt like that was making me gain and until I have to I'm just not willing to. I know by my writing it does not sound like I can do an outpatient program but.......hmmmmm maybe I can't!
I keep ODing on the lax I seem to have forgotten my limit.
I want this woman to stinking call me back so that I can get this terrible feeling of fear out of me. It is taking over seriously. I have already purged 3 times and it is only 10am.
My body feels like a big fat pig today, more that normal, it is crazy how much food I am able to fit into my body only to get rid of it faster than I ate it.
My parents keep asking me if I'm making myself more sick so that when I go into treatment they will think I need to be there and my reply in no but the god to honest truth is I am and I don't think I will be able to get where I need in time for them. I look at myself and all I see is a fatty and someone who is not able to get control over her huge body which is so weird because I spend all of my day either writing about it or acting on every urge I have which lately is more and more! I have also stopped my Prozac because I felt like that was making me gain and until I have to I'm just not willing to. I know by my writing it does not sound like I can do an outpatient program but.......hmmmmm maybe I can't!
Monday, April 9, 2007
Whats with the Salt Shaker?
This morning is bringing so many feelings up for me. I just got a phone call from my Dr. and she said that the VA will pay for treatment but that if I do the outpatient program that they will not pay for my housing which is just so not acceptable because that means almost 3 hours of driving everyday which is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not gonna happen, that is all I need is to deal with traffic after eating 3 meals having to keep them down and hours of therapy no thank you! SO not sure if it will be inpatient or Out, were gonna fight them as far as the hotel situation goes! ERRRRR I want this over already!
I'm giving my landlord my 30 day notice today, not ready to and not really sure it is the right decision to make but I cannot afford to commute and have my apartment it is just to expensive. Shit I still have to buy diapers....and that is the least of my expenses.
Easter was really nice, quiet but such a great time, I loved watching little C go crazy during the Easter egg hunt, he is to funny......He would stop after about every 2 eggs he would find to eat the chocolate, it was all over his little face!
I had a rough day though, probably one of the worst thus far, I swear I thought I was gonna step on the scale and have gained 5 lbs with as much as I b/p but to my surprise I lost another lb. Thank god.....
Ok so I have a story for my night on Friday!
It was girls night out and so we went to sushi and then down to a bar in my town, this little Irish one that I just love. We got there about 9 and drank too much and ran into a bunch of people we had not seen in years so we decided about 12 that we needed a change in scenery so off we went to another bar, actually it is our local white trash bar, but always so much fun to go to! We get there start drinking and then this guy comes up and gives my friend S a salt shaker, and 2 seconds later his friend comes up and gives her another one. Well S is a very sensitive person to say the least and she started saying that she was going to leave because she felt like they were talking shit about her, so me being a protective friend and quite drunk decided to be miss big bad ass and confront these assholes, so I do and the guy totally starts being defensive and so I start being a total bitch and he then decides to call me a skinny cracked out ugly bitch which in turn I call him a fat f&ck ( i know terrible to say but shit I was pissed) then he tells me "why don't you just go kill yourself because no one would give a shit", at that point I walked away, and I hate to say it but I went up to my gf and walked into the back of the bar and completely lost it. I could not stop crying, my body got so stressed out and started the tingling thing so bad that my hands completely cramped up so I should not move them and I could barely talk because my mouth cramped shut. It was so f&cked up! It took me a few to collect myself and when I did everyone came up to me and told me how bad this guy felt and how sorry he was, I said f that I need a shot! So 2 shots of tequila later I decided I would let this guy talk to me. He totally said sorry like 50 times and told me that he thought that I was so beautiful and that he was just pissed because he knew that someone like me (whatever that means) would never give him a chance. I told him that for starters telling someone to go kill themselves is not the way to go. I told him I forgave him but all I keep hearing is him telling me how ugly I was and to kill myself! Who does that?
I was so pissed because this was not even about me, I was just trying to keep my friend from going home and look what happens, that's it I'm staying out of it from now on! Oh and I never did get an answer on the salt shaker!
Maybe that is why this weekend was so hard for me, I don't know but what I do know is that once again I'm tired~~
I'm giving my landlord my 30 day notice today, not ready to and not really sure it is the right decision to make but I cannot afford to commute and have my apartment it is just to expensive. Shit I still have to buy diapers....and that is the least of my expenses.
Easter was really nice, quiet but such a great time, I loved watching little C go crazy during the Easter egg hunt, he is to funny......He would stop after about every 2 eggs he would find to eat the chocolate, it was all over his little face!
I had a rough day though, probably one of the worst thus far, I swear I thought I was gonna step on the scale and have gained 5 lbs with as much as I b/p but to my surprise I lost another lb. Thank god.....
Ok so I have a story for my night on Friday!
It was girls night out and so we went to sushi and then down to a bar in my town, this little Irish one that I just love. We got there about 9 and drank too much and ran into a bunch of people we had not seen in years so we decided about 12 that we needed a change in scenery so off we went to another bar, actually it is our local white trash bar, but always so much fun to go to! We get there start drinking and then this guy comes up and gives my friend S a salt shaker, and 2 seconds later his friend comes up and gives her another one. Well S is a very sensitive person to say the least and she started saying that she was going to leave because she felt like they were talking shit about her, so me being a protective friend and quite drunk decided to be miss big bad ass and confront these assholes, so I do and the guy totally starts being defensive and so I start being a total bitch and he then decides to call me a skinny cracked out ugly bitch which in turn I call him a fat f&ck ( i know terrible to say but shit I was pissed) then he tells me "why don't you just go kill yourself because no one would give a shit", at that point I walked away, and I hate to say it but I went up to my gf and walked into the back of the bar and completely lost it. I could not stop crying, my body got so stressed out and started the tingling thing so bad that my hands completely cramped up so I should not move them and I could barely talk because my mouth cramped shut. It was so f&cked up! It took me a few to collect myself and when I did everyone came up to me and told me how bad this guy felt and how sorry he was, I said f that I need a shot! So 2 shots of tequila later I decided I would let this guy talk to me. He totally said sorry like 50 times and told me that he thought that I was so beautiful and that he was just pissed because he knew that someone like me (whatever that means) would never give him a chance. I told him that for starters telling someone to go kill themselves is not the way to go. I told him I forgave him but all I keep hearing is him telling me how ugly I was and to kill myself! Who does that?
I was so pissed because this was not even about me, I was just trying to keep my friend from going home and look what happens, that's it I'm staying out of it from now on! Oh and I never did get an answer on the salt shaker!
Maybe that is why this weekend was so hard for me, I don't know but what I do know is that once again I'm tired~~
Friday, April 6, 2007
Chocolate Easter Chocolate ahhhhhhh
Ok so starting to freak out about Easter and having to be around my mom and family this weekend, it is so hard to sneak away when they are all watching me like a hawk.
Oh and the unbelievable amounts of chocolate and candy! I cannot even begin to tell you how bad that scares me!
Little C has his own Easter party on Saturday which I'm really excited about because I love watching him do the Easter egg hunts and seeing the excitement all over his face!!! What a silly little man he is. He has been such a good boy lately and has had a bit more structure since staying at my dads.
Ok so I need a bit of help from anyone who will offer it up to me!
Situation is:
My dad wants (or asked) me to give up my apartment, and said he wants me to move into his house until I get my stuff together instead of paying rent on a place I have stayed in like 7 times! I want my place and I want to have my freedom but it kills me paying rent every month when I don't even get to stay there, that and my damn landlord keeps calling to check on me because he says nobody has seen me around and it is driving me nuts, why is he so freaking nosey!
I would rather be living in another apartment but maybe I should just move there and save money and wait until I find a place that I LOVE! I don't know what to do I feel like such a child.
WTF do I do? Please help!
Ok enough whining for now!!
Well I went to the Dr today for a poopy pap and got on that scale and it read the same as mine so that is it I'm never getting on that other scale again! EVER! EVER EVER!!!!
I'm feeling like such a huge sloppy fat ass it is driving me nuts, I just want to grab every bit of loose fat I have and chop it off so that I can have none and be bones and skin!! Sounds good to me!
To easy though!
Well I hope all of you have and amazing Easter and weekend!!!
Oh and the unbelievable amounts of chocolate and candy! I cannot even begin to tell you how bad that scares me!
Little C has his own Easter party on Saturday which I'm really excited about because I love watching him do the Easter egg hunts and seeing the excitement all over his face!!! What a silly little man he is. He has been such a good boy lately and has had a bit more structure since staying at my dads.
Ok so I need a bit of help from anyone who will offer it up to me!
Situation is:
My dad wants (or asked) me to give up my apartment, and said he wants me to move into his house until I get my stuff together instead of paying rent on a place I have stayed in like 7 times! I want my place and I want to have my freedom but it kills me paying rent every month when I don't even get to stay there, that and my damn landlord keeps calling to check on me because he says nobody has seen me around and it is driving me nuts, why is he so freaking nosey!
I would rather be living in another apartment but maybe I should just move there and save money and wait until I find a place that I LOVE! I don't know what to do I feel like such a child.
WTF do I do? Please help!
Ok enough whining for now!!
Well I went to the Dr today for a poopy pap and got on that scale and it read the same as mine so that is it I'm never getting on that other scale again! EVER! EVER EVER!!!!
I'm feeling like such a huge sloppy fat ass it is driving me nuts, I just want to grab every bit of loose fat I have and chop it off so that I can have none and be bones and skin!! Sounds good to me!
To easy though!
Well I hope all of you have and amazing Easter and weekend!!!
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Ok to continue!
Ok so I went in for my EKG and blood work yesterday which all came back ok other than my electrolytes being off and being dehydrated but at least my heart is fine which I knew would be. SO that is all good news, but bad news is I got on the scale and it was 2 lbs higher than our scale at work which is calibrated as well, what the hell, which one is right? This has been weighing on my mind since I left the hospital at 8:45 yesterday morning. It is really driving me crazy not knowing the truth! Or thinking that I could actually be 2 lbs heavier than what I thought I was. I really wish I was able to go deeper with all of this because it all seems so superficial I know there has to be other stuff going on but god no matter how hard I try to think of anything else I find my way back to purging and nothing else! I was having a conversation with my step mom last night and she was a complete mess, her family is a bunch of losers and they have completely disowned her and her sister for no good reason other than they are CRAZY! Anyways she was telling me about how her sister has a bad heart and that her mom called to tell her and she started having a panic attack while we were just talking about it! I hate seeing her in pain, it scared the poo out of me! She also told me a few stories about my dads sisters and how they are. Basically they are a bunch of caddy bitches, stuck up rich snobs who care about nobody but themselves and it makes me sick to even be related to them after hearing how they treated her!
I feel like I have no energy to take on other BIG issues but I so owe it to her, she listens to me all the time and the least I can do is quit my selfish me me me me me attitude and be there for someone else! I hate this state of mind!
SO I am going to a new group tonight, not so into it though, I'm just so damn tired! I want to get into treatment yesterday so I can deal with this shit and get on with my life, but after yesterday and going to the Dr's all I feel is that I got an ok to keep doing what I have been until I go and who knows when or where I will be able to get in. Maybe tonight is so the right thing for me. I will give it all I have even if I just sit there like an asshole like I usually do!
I also just want to send out my love and concern for Jen and her family and all of her friends out there that are so worried and care so much for her!
with love Lauren
I feel like I have no energy to take on other BIG issues but I so owe it to her, she listens to me all the time and the least I can do is quit my selfish me me me me me attitude and be there for someone else! I hate this state of mind!
SO I am going to a new group tonight, not so into it though, I'm just so damn tired! I want to get into treatment yesterday so I can deal with this shit and get on with my life, but after yesterday and going to the Dr's all I feel is that I got an ok to keep doing what I have been until I go and who knows when or where I will be able to get in. Maybe tonight is so the right thing for me. I will give it all I have even if I just sit there like an asshole like I usually do!
I also just want to send out my love and concern for Jen and her family and all of her friends out there that are so worried and care so much for her!
with love Lauren
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Not a very exciting post!
I have not been feeling the whole posting feeling lately, not sure why because it was becoming something I looked forward to daily but the last few days just not in the zone I guess. My weekend went really well as far as my mood, I laughed alot which was really nice even if I spent the rest of the time in the bathroom.
I got to hang with my mom and we went to this house that was so amazing I cannot even begin to explain...it was so relaxing and the weather in Sacramento was unbelievable! tank top and shorts til 9pm so sweet!
Poor C I came home on Friday to his asthma being totally flaired up and pink eye as well! I hate daycare, I swear I have him for the weekend and things get back to normal and Monday morning he goes back and by Tuesday it is something else that he is dealing with. Daycare is nothing but a pool of the sickos!
Ok so on the health front I finally agreed to IP if that is what it comes down to! First I told my mom no longer than 30 days and she got a bit frustrated so I then told her ok mom ok whatever it takes I will do!
My little man needs me healthy no matter what that means so I guess we will see what happens from here and if my insurance is willing to pay for it now! They are making me get an EKG done tomorrow morning which I know will be fine but I still have to have it done! I told my parents yesterday that I could no longer deal with my therapist haha after only 1 visit and a few phone calls. The deal is every time we talk she is wanting me to find a place for treatment and that is just to much for me to deal with so my mom and dad have now taken control of the situation and I guess now I just wait and see where that takes me! The VA is acting like I have to be dying to get help, which means EKG bad and labs bad! My labs are not great and not horrible and so what do I have to be 80lbs for them to do something....who knows! My brain is beat down!!!
I have a date with my gf A tonight which I am so excited about, I miss my friends so much and I feel like I have not seen them in weeks! Which I haven't!
As far as F well that is over I guess, I have gotten an email that said he was thinking about me and wanted to know if I go into IP but that is it! Oh well better for him and me right now!
Well this is the latest and all I have the energy to post!
I got to hang with my mom and we went to this house that was so amazing I cannot even begin to explain...it was so relaxing and the weather in Sacramento was unbelievable! tank top and shorts til 9pm so sweet!
Poor C I came home on Friday to his asthma being totally flaired up and pink eye as well! I hate daycare, I swear I have him for the weekend and things get back to normal and Monday morning he goes back and by Tuesday it is something else that he is dealing with. Daycare is nothing but a pool of the sickos!
Ok so on the health front I finally agreed to IP if that is what it comes down to! First I told my mom no longer than 30 days and she got a bit frustrated so I then told her ok mom ok whatever it takes I will do!
My little man needs me healthy no matter what that means so I guess we will see what happens from here and if my insurance is willing to pay for it now! They are making me get an EKG done tomorrow morning which I know will be fine but I still have to have it done! I told my parents yesterday that I could no longer deal with my therapist haha after only 1 visit and a few phone calls. The deal is every time we talk she is wanting me to find a place for treatment and that is just to much for me to deal with so my mom and dad have now taken control of the situation and I guess now I just wait and see where that takes me! The VA is acting like I have to be dying to get help, which means EKG bad and labs bad! My labs are not great and not horrible and so what do I have to be 80lbs for them to do something....who knows! My brain is beat down!!!
I have a date with my gf A tonight which I am so excited about, I miss my friends so much and I feel like I have not seen them in weeks! Which I haven't!
As far as F well that is over I guess, I have gotten an email that said he was thinking about me and wanted to know if I go into IP but that is it! Oh well better for him and me right now!
Well this is the latest and all I have the energy to post!
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